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“Would it have kept you from drinking, partying the way you did?” my dad asks, stepping back.
Letting out a sigh, I shrug. “I have no idea. I’d like to believe that. I hope so, because I’m definitely going to use myself as an example of what not to do for Harper.” I turn and look at her sitting in her highchair where she’s been happily demolishing almost an entire container of yogurt since I got home.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with both of you. I want to move forward from here.”
“Then you have to listen,” Brent says, rising from his chair and walking over to us.
My dad chuckles at that. “Never really been my strong suit, but I’ll give it a go.”
My mom stifles a laugh as she watches us. Harper smacks her spoon and sends it flying across the kitchen. She laughs, then shrieks, bringing me back to reality.
And reality is messy.
People are messy and imperfect. Maybe that makes it easier to tackle my guilt. I might need to share some of those coping mechanisms with my dad.
I’m glad I finally know what was going through his head. I’m not expecting a magic change. My dad is set in his ways about everything. But hopefully a line of communication has been opened between us so we can at least call him on it when he gets that way.
I walk over and pull Harper from her chair. I don’t like the way my dad handled things with us as kids. I don’t want to do that with her. But that said, as I look at the feisty little girl in my arms, the thought of losing her destroys me. Knowing that feeling is what made my dad act the way he did, makes it a little bit easier to deal with.
And in case I needed any further reminders of who I don’t want to be, I definitely got one tonight. I’m incredibly grateful I’m getting to the other side and working through all the pain inside me. I don’t ever want Harper to feel the way I’ve felt. And I’ll do everything in my power to make sure she never feels how Leigh feels right now or how my dad has felt for too much of my life.
I hold her tighter and kiss her yogurt-crusted hair. “I love you, baby girl.”
