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Kimberly spent hers on a car that she immediately totaled and living a lavish lifestyle for a few months in Nashville.
When she bottomed out, she came to live at the cabin while I was still finishing up school, and I created a space for her in one of the bedrooms. The cabin wasn’t huge, but it did have enough room that with a little extra building, I could make her a little apartment of her own within my place.
After I fulfilled my promise to my mother and graduated, it wasn’t long before the job came calling. I was very thankful that my field was small and specialized, meaning that when I graduated, there were people already interested in hiring me. I took my first job working as a ranger for a few months before taking the new job that allowed me to move back home.
Once I was home, I spent what savings I had left on building a little office station for myself to do my work. It involved a considerable investment in technology, but when I was done, my cabin was essentially as operational as any government building that tracked wildlife on the East Coast. I was proud of what I had built, and for a short time, living with my sister there, I felt like I was accomplishing everything my mother asked of me. But Kimberly proceeded to leave in the middle of the night one night and not show back up for weeks.
When she returned, she simply said she had been away with a boyfriend. But the bruises over her eye told a different story. A day or two later, she told me she had left him at a hotel in Tulsa, taking a bus back. Then, a few days after that, she disappeared again. This routine repeated over and over, always some guy she was running away with and then running away from. Last year, it got to be too much, and I tried to talk to her about it, establishing that she couldn’t just treat me like that. That I was worried about her.
She blew up and ran off. She claimed that I was trying to control her, that I didn’t understand what her life was like. She had a point. I didn’t understand why she made the decisions she did, nor did I want to. I just wanted her safe. Eventually, we agreed that she would leave, but she would check in with me occasionally. I also promised to keep a room for her, but I hadn’t seen her since, though occasionally got a text message from her stating simply that she was alive. I had to deal with that being enough.
I hated that I was estranged from my sister. She was the only family I had left. Without her, I was alone.
It was kind of a paradox. I enjoyed the solitude. I enjoyed not being bothered by not having to deal with other people on a regular basis, usually only ever going down to the large department store at the corner of the four towns to get supplies. While I was, officially, a resident of Ashford, I hardly ever went into town. I didn’t care to see the people down there or make any connections with anyone. The occasional takeout from Dina’s or Sergio’s was all I needed.
Otherwise, I stuck to myself and the wildlife at the top of the mountain. There were a few families on the mountain with me, and I occasionally passed them on the road or on one of the hiking trails. They all seemed very nice and personable, but they also left me to myself, which I appreciated even more.
It might have seemed strange that I was lonely but at the same time didn’t want to be around anyone, had I not been like that all my life. I wanted my family, but that was it. I didn’t care to be around many other people, mostly because I couldn’t trust them. People always had ulterior motives, and I wasn’t interested in who they turned out to be once the mask of their presentation fell.
I wondered sometimes who I had become. My sister had changed, becoming a party animal who had zero responsibility to herself and the world at large. How had I changed?
Since high school, I had grown more reclusive. I had grown less personable, though I didn’t think I was rude or unpleasant. I just didn’t interact with people. I was also more cerebral now. In high school, I was confident with people, especially girls. I was aware of the effect I had on them, and I enjoyed it. But since my mother started to get worse, and then especially after her death, I pulled back. It was almost like I was punishing myself in some way.
Part of me felt like a failure for how Kimberly acted and wanted to be the opposite of that. For as extroverted and focused on partying that she was, I wanted to be focused and diligent. Responsible. I felt like it was my job to provide a stable lifestyle and somehow save my sister. But there was no rescuing someone who didn’t want to be rescued. All I could do was try to be there for her, and that meant getting taken advantage of.
