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"I sent them away," I said.
He looked at me with real curiosity. I searched for contempt in his face--part of me wanted to see it--but there was none that I could tell. "Did I raise you to the gun so you could become an ammie and nurse a broken old man?"
I felt my anger flash at that. Cort had raised a moit of boys to the tradition of the Eld and the way of the gun. Those who were unworthy he had bested in combat and sent west with no weapons other than what remained of their wits. There, in Cressia and places even deeper in those anarchic kingdoms, many of those broken boys had joined with Farson, the Good Man. Who would in time overthrow everything my father's line had stood for. Farson had armed them, sure. He had guns, and he had plans.
"Would you throw him on the dungheap, Father? Is that to be his reward for all his years of service? Who next, then? Vannay?"
"Never in this life, as you know. But done is done, Roland, as thee also knows. And thee doesn't nurse him out of love. Thee knows that, too."
"I nurse him out of respect!"
"If 'twas only respect, I think you'd visit him, and read to him--for you read well, your mother always said so, and about that she spoke true--but you'd not clean his shit and change his bed. You are scourging yourself for the death of your mother, which was not your fault."
Part of me knew this was true. Part of me refused to believe it. The publishment of her death was simple: "Gabrielle Deschain, she of Arten, died while possessed of a demon which troubled her spirit." It was always put so when someone of high blood committed suicide, and so the story of her death was given. It was accepted without question, even by those who had, either secretly or not so secretly, cast their lot with Farson. Because it became known--gods know how, not from me or my friends--that she had become the consort of Marten Broadcloak, the court magis and my father's chief advisor, and that Marten had fled west. Alone.
"Roland, hear me very well. I know you felt betrayed by your lady mother. So did I. I know that part of you hated her. Part of me hated her, too. But we both also loved her, and love her still. You were poisoned by the toy you brought back from Mejis, and you were tricked by the witch. One of those things alone might not have caused what happened, but the pink ball and the witch together . . . aye."
"Rhea." I could feel tears stinging my eyes, and I willed them back. I would not weep before my father. Never again. "Rhea of the Coos."
"Aye, she, the black-hearted cunt. It was she who killed your mother, Roland. She turned you into a gun . . . and then pulled the trigger."
I said nothing.
He must have seen my distress, because he resumed shuffling his papers, signing his name here and there. Finally he raised his head again. "The ammies will have to see to Cort for a while. I'm sending you and one of your ka-mates to Debaria."
"What? To Serenity?"
He laughed. "The retreat where your mother stayed?"
"Yes."
"Not there, not at all. Serenity, what a joke. Those women are the black ammies. They'd flay you alive if you so much as trespassed their holy doors. Most of the sisters who bide there prefer the longstick to a man."
I had no idea what he meant--remember I was still very young, and very innocent about many things, in spite of all I'd been through. "I'm not sure I'm ready for another mission, Father. Let alone a quest."
He looked at me coldly. "I'll be the judge of what you're ready for. Besides, this is nothing like the mess you walked into in Mejis. There may be danger, it may even come to shooting, but at bottom it's just a job that needs to be done. Partly so that people who've come to doubt can see that the White is still strong and true, but mostly because what's wrong cannot be allowed to stand. Besides, as I've said, I won't be sending you alone."
"Who'll go with me? Cuthbert or Alain?"
"Neither. I have work for Laughing Boy and Thudfoot right here. You go with Jamie DeCurry."
I considered this and thought I would be glad to ride with Jamie Red-Hand. Although I would have preferred either Cuthbert or Alain. As my father surely knew.
"Will you go without argument, or will you annoy me further on a day when I have much to do?"
"I'll go," I said. In truth, it would be good to escape the palace--its shadowy rooms, its whispers of intrigue, its pervasive sense that darkness and anarchy were coming and nothing could stop them. The world would move on, but Gilead would not move on with it. That glittering, beautiful bubble would soon burst.
"Good. You're a fine son, Roland. I may never have told you that, but it's true. I hold nothing against you. Nothing."
I lowered my head. When this meeting was finally over, I would go somewhere and let my heart free, but not just then. Not as I stood before him.
"Ten or twelve wheels beyond the hall of the women--Serenity, or whatever they call it--is the town of Debaria itself, on the edge of the alkali flats. Nothing serene about Debaria. It's a dusty, hide-smelling railhead town where cattle and block salt are shipped south, east, and north--in every direction except the one where that bastard Farson's laying his plans. There are fewer traildrive herds these days, and I expect Debaria will dry up and blow away like so many other places in Mid-World before long, but now it's still a busy place, full of saloons, whoredens, gamblers, and confidence men. Hard as it might be to believe, there are even a few good people there. One is the High Sheriff, Hugh Peavy. It's him that you and DeCurry will report to. Let him see your guns and a sigul which I will give to you. Do you ken everything I've told you so far?"
"Yes, Father," I said. "What's so bad there that it warrants the attention of gunslingers?" I smiled a little, a thing I had done seldom in the wake of my mother's death. "Even baby gunslingers such as us?"
"According to the reports I have"--he lifted some of the papers and shook them at me--"there's a skin-man at work. I have my doubts about that, but there's no doubt the folk are terrified."
"I don't know what that is," I said.
"Some sort of shape-changer, or so the old tales say. Go to Vannay when you leave me. He's been collecting reports."
"All right."
"Do the job, find this lunatic who goes around wearing animal skins--that's probably what it amounts to--but be not long about it. Matters far graver than this have begun to teeter. I'd have you back--you and all your ka-mates--before they fall."
*
