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She sighs and glances at her watch. I want to rip it off her wrist. “You know how that will look.”
“I don’t give two fucks how it will look.”
She rolls her eyes and wrinkles her nose in disgust, as if I’m nothing more than gum stuck to the bottom of her shoe. “Why do you always have to resort to being crude?”
I shrug. “Just who I am, I guess.”
“We’re not getting divorced.” She says this like she has total control over me and my future. I suppose for a long time that worked for both of us, and I admit I’ve done my share of letting her dictate our lives for a very long time.
No more.
“We are getting divorced, Chantal. I’m having the papers drawn up now. I just wanted to give you the courtesy of knowing about it ahead of time.” I can only imagine how furious she’d be if she was served papers without warning. Not that I care particularly, but there is a small part of me that doesn’t want to do her any harm. Call it devotion, obligation, or call it stupidity, but to me she is still the person I once vowed to grow old with. Even though she’s done many things to hurt me, she is still technically my wife and I believe I owe her the courtesy of the truth. “Look, neither of us wants this so-called marriage anymore. You know it and I do to. It’s time to end this thing and get on with our lives.”
Eyes averted, she stoically pulls back her shoulders in a defensive move I recognize. “You have no idea what it is that I do or do not want.”
“Exactly.” Reaching out, I curl my fingers around her wrist, but she’s quick to yank it away. “I’m not doing this to hurt you, but what’s the point in staying married? We haven’t actually been married in a long, long time.”
Angry blue eyes flash to mine. “Is this about sex?”
I have to laugh at this outrageous question of hers. This is so, so much more than sex. This is about everythingexceptsex. “No, of course not. This is about being happy. This is about waking up in a house where the memories don’t cut you in half every day. This is about having a future filled with hope, instead of a lifetime being miserable.” I reach out again, and this time when she tries to pull away I tighten my grip. “I’m tired of being miserable. I’m tired of waking up each day and trying to figure out ways to avoid running into you. I hate waking up in a shitty apartment, but paying for a house I’m no longer allowed to live in.” I swallow back the anger and attempt to find calm. “Our time is over. We need to let go and say goodbye.”
“Say goodbye to Charlotte, you mean?”
Sighing, I attempt to suppress the pain that bleeds through my chest. “No, of course not. I will never say goodbye to Charlotte. She will always be a part of me and a part of you. You know that.”
Her eyes slowly fill with tears, but she stubbornly blinks them away. It’s the first human reaction I’ve seen from her in years. “So you’re doing this because you’ve met somebody, is that it?”
The sigh I omit is filled with frustration. “I’m doing this because it’s the right thing, for both of us. I’m doing this because living as strangers is tearing me apart. I’d say it’s probably doing the same to you, but you won’t talk to me anymore so I can only assume it is.” Fighting emotion, I struggle to get the words out. “I’m doing this because I’m tired of being lonely. I want to be happy again.” Meeting Merrick has certainly been the catalyst for this moment, but even if he walks away today, I will still want this for myself. I’m not taking no for an answer and this time I am not backing down. Either I move forward, or I might as well just end it all now. There is no middle ground.
Pulling my hand away, I slowly get to my feet. Her head tips back as she looks at me and in that moment she’s the girl I fell in love with; the beautiful, rebellious woman who made me believe that a blue collar guy like myself was the perfect partner for her.
The moment is fleeting and before I can blink the emotions wash from her face and she’s once more the distant, unfeeling, and unapproachable person that grief has turned her into. She gets to her feet and dumps her coffee in the sink, setting the empty cup on the counter. When she turns to face me again, her slim arms are pulled tight across her chest. “I’d rather you not serve me papers at work. I don’t want anyone knowing my personal business.”
“Fine. I’ll bring them to you here and you can sign them.” I’m not foolish enough to think that getting the documents signed won’t be a hassle. There’s no way in hell Chantal is going to make this easy on me.
“I suppose you’ll want the house.”
“No, actually I don’t. You can have it.” I cannot imagine keeping this house and living in it on my own. As much as I fear letting go of the memories of happier times, there are far too many painful memories I have to be willing to let go of if I can ever hope to find happiness again. “I’ll start looking for an apartment.”
She nods, jaw tense. “Fine. Is there anything else?”
Fuck….I hate what we’ve become. I hate this woman she’s turned into. Any love we once had for one another has been gone for a long time, but that doesn’t mean there’s not a part of me that still doesn’t care for her. She is the woman I married, the mother of my child, the first person I gave my heart to. Regardless of how we end this between us, she will always have a special place in my heart.
“No, we’re done.”
The meaning of the words isn’t lost on either of us. She looks at me with pain on her face and tears pooling in her eyes, and immediately steps past me to walk quickly down the hall. The bedroom door bangs closed, rattling the walls, putting a morbid finality on a once happier time.
