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“One thing I’ve always admired about Mer is that he’s not willing to settle for quick one-nighters. He’s determined to be patient and find happiness and not wade through the pool of crappy men who want a quick hookup.” He sighs, tightening his arm inside mine. “Merrick is a person who loves really, really hard. It’s actually rather beautiful how deep the man is.” Still silent, I offer only a nod, unease settling in my belly at the turn the conversation has taken. “You know, I’m a pretty astute man.” He waggles his brows and drifts his free hand up and down his body. “Hot as fuck, but astute all the same.” I nod again, and snicker at his blatant vanity. “I’m so perceptive, that I can tell you two have a very strong connection.” Leaning close, he whispers, “Honestly, anyone in the same room as the two of you can see that if they look hard enough.” Once more, my face heats in response to his words, my mouth tightly shut to guard against over-sharing.Ifthat was what I wanted to do.
Gunner’s feet halt and he turns to face me, sliding the glasses off and hanging them from the V of his shirt. I think this brief stall is more for my benefit than his. Thank God too, because the breath I drag in feels like the first one I’ve taken since we began walking.
He waves to a passing car, then turns his attention back to me. “I can also see how conflicted you are about him, which is understandable.”
Again…what exactly am I supposed to say? Of course I’m conflicted…confused…out of my mind with the need to be near him on a daily basis. “Um…okay.”
He laughs, head thrown back. When he calms, his hazel eyes lock on mine, warm hands planted on my shoulders. “Let me tell you a story.” In a weird way, he kinda reminds me of my Aunt Lucy, who was always quick to sit us down and share stories of her past as only she could; loudly, with lots of cursing and innuendo. She passed on years ago, but memories of her stories and her typical opening line of ‘Once upon a time’, always bring a smile to my face. “I was thirteen when I announced to the world who I was.” His gaze drifts off, wistful. “I put on my most fabulous outfit, then I sauntered into my living room and shouted loudly ‘I’m a gay man’.” Pain litters his expression when he looks at me again. “From that day on I knew that being true to myself would be an uphill battle.” Warm hands frame my face. “You know, honey, there are all kinds of labels we put on ourselves and other people. We call ourselves fat, skinny, arrogant, distant, business-like. We call ourselves gay, heterosexuals, and the like. Our society practically demands that we fit ourselves into a nice, tiny, organized box.” When he leans closer, I can smell his cinnamon scented breath as it washes over my face. “Trying to fit yourself into one politically correct label of any kind is a disservice to yourself and to who you are as a person.” His smile once more is slight, the pain of his past showing across his entire face. “I have always identified as a gay man, and I’m completely okay with that. That doesn’t mean we all only have to identify as one thing. Being true to yourself, believing what’s in your heart, that is what matters.” He flashes me a wide grin. “If someone doesn’t like it, they can go fuck themselves.”
I wish I had his confidence. I wish I could walk out the front door and shout to the world that Merrick is mine. My what, exactly? My lover? My boyfriend? The man I really would like to be allowed to love?
Gunner loops his hand through my arm once more and we resume our strolling. “I like you, Davis. Besides being hot enough to fry an egg on, you’re a man of few words. And I like that about you.” He winks at me. “Are you just as circumspect in bed, or do you like dirty talk and loud moaning?”
My mind instantly goes to last Saturday night, Merrick demanding that I close my eyes and my complete compliance that followed. I hear our mutual sighs and groans, feel the warmth of his skin, his lips at my neck. And in other places. Suddenly walking is uncomfortable.
Squeezing my arm, Gunner chuckles. “That’s okay. You go ahead and keep those secrets to yourself. In my fantasies, you love it when I talk dirty.”
“Are you always this….this…..”
“Sexually fixated?” His laughter is joyous. “Oh honey, you know I am. And you are welcome.”
Nine months ago I was an overworked drunk, barely getting myself to work each day, caught up in the painful spiral that had become my life. Now, all these months later, I’m walking in my neighborhood with a colorful gay man who is talking nasty to me. I’m spending my time with a man who has wormed his way into my heart regardless of how hard I’ve tried to keep him out. I’m making a solid effort to end my marriage and finally….finally…move on. I’m leaving my pain-filled, miserable life in the past and making a new life for myself. Most importantly, I’m finally putting my own happiness above everything else. I’m giving myself permission to smile again, to laugh again, and maybe eventually—hopefully—to love again.
It’s not easy, that’s for sure. And I still have a long, long way to go to clean up the mess I’ve made of my life and move forward. But this is a good step in the right direction. This right here—this out of the blue friendship I’ve made with Gunner and the others—is a good thing. My relationship with Merrick….is a very good thing. Regardless of what transpired between us last weekend, or where we go from here, his friendship brought me to this place: A place of understanding, a place of forgiveness, a place to let the guilt wash away and for hope to take its forever place.
