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Merrick
There’s this assumption we sometimes make….that just because you live close to someone, you see them often.
The reality is that we all tend to live in a bubble; coming and going each day, barely noticing our surroundings. And while I truly dreaded the idea of running into Davis after we put an end to our relationship, we’ve somehow managed to steer clear of one another. There are days when I’m grateful for his absence, others when I linger too long in my driveway simply with the hope that we’ll cross paths once more.
The absence of him in my life has made me truly reevaluate what it is I want; for myself, for my future. I love my house and the neighborhood, but damned if I don’t wish I lived somewhere else. I’ve considered more than once just cutting my losses, selling my house, and relocating to a place that has no memories of him. I know the thought is foolish, but it’s really my only option. Falling out of love with Davis is not something I see happening anytime soon. For that matter, the pain that has lingered in my chest has only increased with each passing day apart from him. It feels like I am destined for misery regardless of where I go or what I do.
Being around my friends should help, but it doesn’t. Everyone is being gentle with me, but I feel the unspoken questions that burn against my skin; see the pity too. They are all very careful not to mention Davis by name, but I know they’re curious about what happened between us. I almost wish they’d call me on the foolish choice I made to get involved with a married man, or condemn me somehow for the chance I’ve taken with my happiness. Not that I believe their condemnation will take away the pain I’m feeling, but rather because I feel like I deserve it.
“You gonna eat those fries?” Aiden asks, pulling me into the present. I can tell by the worry in his eyes that he wants me to talk to him, to hear me explain all the details of the split. I’m not sure I could even if I wanted to. Putting into words how foolish I’ve been isn’t something I look forward to. Trying to explain all the reasons I have allowed Davis to stay in my life—even with the red flags that I chose to ignore—is not something I can justify to anyone, least of all myself. I was an idiot, plain and simple. I lost my heart because of my stupidity, and the only thing left for me to do now is move on.
Shoving my plate toward Aiden, I sigh and glance out the window. Food is something I’ve lost a desire for this past month. I go through the motions when it’s required, but I know I’ve lost weight. I know the stress of our breakup is affecting me physically as well as emotionally. I can’t even run anymore without my mind fixating on Davis. I’m stuck on this agonizing merry-go-round with no way to get off.
Aiden shoves a few fries into his mouth, then tosses down some cash and gets to his feet. He gives me that “poor guy” look—part frown, part pity—and gestures with his head for me to follow. I wish I could talk to him, but the words seem stuck in my throat.
The silence continues between us as we climb into his car and he heads toward my house to drop me off. I should invite him in. I shouldn’t choke on the words that might explain my foolishness. I sure as hell shouldn’t feel like sobbing is my only option.
Aiden turns the car down the block, slowing as he reaches my driveway. It’s then I seehim—and her. He has keys in hand, though they’re making their way to her car and not his truck. He’s a few steps behind his wife, and even though he appears stoic, he smiles warmly when she turns to say something to him. The closeness between them, the damn normalcy of it all, knocks the wind out of me.
I have to look away. I cannot torture myself with moments ofwhat if.I can’t look at him and see the man who was once my friend. My lover. My soulmate. Bile crawls up my throat knowing how close the two of them are once more, and how perfect it all seems.
It’s as if I never even existed.
I close my eyes and attempt to concentrate on sitting upright and breathing as the car comes to a halt. I hear the sound of the car door opening, then footsteps, but I’m held hostage by the realization that while I’m drowning with sorrow and missing Davis so completely it’s in each painful beat of my heart, he’s moved on and appears to have done so quite easily. The breath feels caught in my throat, strangled by the sobs that refuse to surface. Forget drowning, I’m being buried alive by heartbreak.
I’m coaxed out of the car with a gentle hand to my arm, led to the front door like a blind man. Lost in the haze of reality and the fog of regret, I have no idea how I end up seated on my couch. Aiden shoves a glass of water in my hand, then sits down on the coffee table facing me, guiding the glass to my lips.
“You gotta talk to me, Mer. I’m worried about you. We’re all worried about you.”
The wordsI’m fineform on the end of my tongue, just as they have every single day since Davis so easily walked away from all we were. But they feel stuck there. Just like the breath. Just like the tears.
Until now I’ve never understood what it means to feel real pain. Sure, I’ve had losses the same as anyone else, but in the grand scheme of life I’ve been pretty lucky. My parents are healthy and living good, productive lives. I’ve never been seriously ill or even hospitalized. The only physical pain I’ve ever felt was when I broke a finger playing basketball when I was twelve. All in all, I’ve been pretty lucky.
I’ve never been invested enough in any of the relationships I’ve had to care that my life was imploding once my lover walked away. Even the high school crush I had on Tim can’t compare with what I’m going through now. This devastation feels insurmountable.
Aiden takes the glass from my hand, replacing it with his warm fingers in what should be a comforting gesture. But the only thing his touch does is remind me that I’ll never again feel Davis’s skin against mine. “I know you’re in pain and I want to help. Tell me what I can do. Talk to me.”
I glance at him briefly, then immediately look away. I don’t want him to feel sorry for me. I don’t want to see my foolishness in his eyes. I don’t want or need to hear all the lame phrases we say to someone in pain…..this too shall pass….every day will get easier….we can all learn from our mistakes.
Davis wasn’t a mistake, regardless of how stupid I might have been. I may have regrets, may wish I hadn’t been so impulsive and naïve, but I will never regret his place in my life or in my heart. I will never apologize for loving him or for believing he wanted the same things I did. Maybe I should. Maybe then I wouldn’t be crippled with the idea of never talking to or seeing him again.
“He went back to his wife. Didn’t he?” Unable to process words, I can only nod. “Goddamn it, I knew this would happen.”
Really? I want to ask.Because I sure didn’t. I was the dummy who truly believed that Davis was finished with his marriage, having given it every chance to succeed. I was the chump who once knew deep down in my heart that we were meant to be together, maybe even forever.
“I’m really sorry, my friend.” What he doesn’t say, I hear loud and clear.What did you expect?
Shaking my head, I feel the tears welling in my eyes. I expected to believe Davis when he said he loved me. I expected that if he’d taken the chance to love me, he’d have been invested enough to stay. I expected that a leap of faith such as the one he took on the two of us would have been worth fighting for.
Cradling my head in my hands, I brace my elbows on my knees and groan. The torture is immense, covering my entire body; snaking through my blood, taking my heart into a vice-like grip. Aiden pulls me close, arms wrapped around me in solidarity, in friendship. He may not fully understand my grief, but he’s rock-solid in his support of me, just as he’s always been.
The tears I’ve refused to shed since that gloomy morning after Davis walked away resurface with a vengeance. The sobs, while silent, are nothing short of intense. I’m shaking, the need to scream out my pain to the heavens clawing at my throat. I want to throw things against the wall, to lie down on the floor and tantrum like a child. I want someone—anyone—to share this agony with me.
Then Davis’s face looms in my memory, the conflict and strain in his teary eyes that morning. An image I can’t seem to forget, no matter how hard I try. I may be feeling ten kinds of stupid, but that doesn’t dismiss the fact that our split wasn’t easy on him either. Sure, he may have rebounded and found a new direction for his life rather quickly, but the Davis I once knew wasn’t unaffected by our breakup. Not initially, at least. Now? Well, I hate to admit that the man I saw a few minutes ago was nothing like the person who once placed a very impulsive kiss on my lips one summer day. That stranger I saw outside his house, dressed in a crisp button down shirt and slacks, the clean-shaven, perfectly put-togetherhusbandhe was trying to be, was not the man who once was red-faced at my touch, my kiss. The person I saw today was honorable, duty-bound. Committed. Everything I once admired about him. Everything I now loathe as well.
I want him duty-bound to me, to us. I want him committed to a life spent together, to weekends spent running, and mornings spent cuddling in bed. I want him to be a part of the beautiful circle of friends I have; to laugh at Gunner’s oversharing, to enjoy beers with Aiden, to have deep conversations with Chloe. I want it all, everything I once had. Everything I once assumed he wanted too.
“I miss him so damn much,” I somehow manage to whisper, even though each word feels like a knife against my tongue.
“I know you do.”
I’m not sure what I expect Aiden to say, but it sure as hell isn’t the nothing that he’s giving me. I need his reassurance. No, Iwanthis reassurance… that time will heal all my wounds. That one day I’ll open my eyes and not wish for Davis to be lying next to me. That somewhere in the future I might find another man to love me, who wants to be with me, and who will honor our relationship with the truth.
Tears continue to trickle down my face as I sit back against the couch and sigh heavily. There’s no easy solution to any of this and as much as I hate to admit it I do know that I need time; time to heal, time to forget, time to remember all the good things between me and Davis. All the warmth, laughter, and love.
One day I hope to think of him and feel grateful. Thankful. Blessed that he wandered into my life one winter’s day, totally and completely unexpected. One day I hope to think of him and not have to bite back the urge to scream out in frustration. One day I hope we can speak again without pain and regret. One day I pray I can think of him as a friend again, instead of the man who ruined me for all others.
