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I simply stand and wait.
I wait for the world to start spinning again.
I wait for my head to be above water.
The sound of wheels against tarmac pulls me from my daze and my chest caves at the sight of him.
He’s been drinking again and his dishevelled, autumn red hair and wild eyes tell me he’s hurt without having to see any injury. Another bar fight.
“Mik.” His voice is too loud. Too heavy. “I’m sorry.”
“Just take me home, Matthew.” It takes everything I have not to fall apart on the sidewalk. “I just want to go home.”
I’m stepping towards the car when I hear it and pain flares in my chest. Spinning back to the doors I walked out of almost an hour ago, some internal fire burns and my heart shatters with the pressure.
“Mik! Mikaela! I’m so sorry. I - Mik.” Jamie’s face is contorted with agonising guilt as he races to me from inside.Inside. His arm is held across his chest in a sling and his left eye is swollen shut.
And I can’t bring myself to care.
The smell of whiskey smashes into me before he does. I push him.
“Don’t touch me.” My voice is weak and broken.
“Mik -”
“I called you.” I think my eyes might be just as hollow as my voice. “I called you so many times, Jamie. Where were you?”
“We were in the emergency room.” Jamie answers quickly. He keeps reaching out for me and I keep shrugging out of his hold and backing away. “My phone was off and I was getting my shoulder fixed and I - Mik, I’m so sorry. I should have been there.”
“We?” I don’t really need to ask. I know as soon as he says it. I know before his best friend steps out of the shadows and I push out a disappointed laugh. “Of course. I should have known Ben was involved.”
Jamie steps closer again and I hit him. My fist smacks his chest as fresh waves of excruciating agony tear through me.
“Don’t fucking touch me.” I sob, hitting him repeatedly. “Don’t touch me. You were supposed to be there. You promised her. You promised her you’d be there, Jamie. But you weren’t. You fucking weren’t. I hate you. I hate you so much.”
My fists slam against him, again and again, and he takes every blow. I know every connection hurts him but I don’t stop. I can’t see past the silent pain that had hung in her eyes as I held her hand and whispered to her. I can’t see past the way her lips trembled with every rasping breath. I can’t see past the way her lips formed his name with her last one.
I can’t see past the emptiness.
When I stop hitting him, when I crumble against him, he holds me tight, brushing his free hand over my hair and whispering apologies.
“You said you’d be there,” I weep. “Why weren’t you there, Jamie?”
He opens his mouth to explain just as Ben speaks.
Jamie’s hand stills when he does.
Ben
“I crashed my car, Mik. It’s my fault he wasn’t there.” I hang my head low, shaking it slightly as Jamie glances back to me.
The sound she makes is not human. It is visceral. And broken. Agonised.
I can’t look at her. I’m afraid that if I do, I’ll see how broken she is and it will kill me. “Don’t blame him.”
Just one glance at her is agonising.
Her tears keep falling, but a mask of emptiness takes the place of her pain as she pushes out of Jamie’s arms and stares past me. Without another word she turns away from us both and walks towards the car half pulled up on the sidewalk.
