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"Holland, c'mon, I'm serious. I've been searching online for an hour and it's telling me to get these books and treats and I just… fuck, I don't know. I feel like I'm failing at this." I exhale a frustrated breath.
She steps closer to me and slides her hands up my chest into my hair at the back of my neck. "First of all, take a breath. It's okay. Every parent goes through this, and you are not failing. You just have to figure it out, together."
"Alright. You're right."
"So, what most people do is Cheerios. Just toss 'em in there, and tell him to shoot for them. He'll figure it out."
Okay, Cheerios. Got it.
"Okay, I'll call down to concierge and see if they can send some up. Maybe we should pick this back up tomorrow." I nod at Evan, who's swaying slightly on the stool. His eyes beginning to droop.
Holland laughs, and then helps him down and gets his pull-up back on correctly. She helps him into his pajamas and he sighs sleepily when she picks him up, then lies his head on her shoulder.
"You're good at this, you know?"
She smiles. "He makes it easy. Let me put him down, and I'll be back."
I follow behind them back into the room, then sit on the bed and fall back.
Shit, parenting is hard. Rewarding as fuck, but still hard.
I've been thinking about my decision a lot lately, about taking Evan in, about my sister, about my father. I've got shit in my head I'm trying to work through because I want to be the best I can be for Evan.
I keep thinking about the fact that even though my father might not deserve it, what if I never get the chance to make things right with him? What if I spend all this time hating him, and then it's just over? And there's no closure. I still harbor all of this hurt from him abandoning our family to start a new one. But it doesn't hurt him; it hurtsme. It changesme.
"Reed?"
My eyes fly open, and I see Holland standing over me, looking concerned. I sit up and pull her toward me. She falls easily into my arms.
"Are you tired?" she asks.
I shake my head. "Just thinking. About your text message."
She stills in my arms. After a second, she pulls back and looks at me with wide eyes. "I'm sorry that I texted that. I should've waited until I saw you."
"Don't apologize. Holland, I'm not an asshole. I know the rules, and if you want to add a fourth, we can, but right now, I'm not interested in anyone but you. Period."
"I'm not interested in anyone either. I just wanted to be clear that I'm not comfortable sleeping together if there are other girls."
"There's not. While we're together, it's just us."
I watch as her expression changes from guarded to relieved, and I feel like a dick. A dick that selfishly wants her all to myself, but not at the expense of damaging my relationship with my sister.
And truthfully, it isn't just Emery that causes me to pause. It's the fact that I'm not, and never have been, a relationship kind of guy. I've never had a serious relationship in my life, and I know that if I take things further with Holland, I'll just end up hurting her. Maybe I feel this way because of my father abandoning Ma. Maybe it runs in the family, I don't know. But I do know that I can’t and won't hurt Holland, so this, whatever this is between us, is what it’ll have to be.
"You wanna stay tonight?" I ask.
"I'm honestly exhausted. I've been studying for my exam so late every night. Tomorrow?"
"Yeah, babe, go get some sleep."
I lean down and kiss her for the first time tonight, and fuck, it hits me square in the chest. Nothing feels the way it does when I'm with her.
"Goodnight, Reed," she says before leaving me in my feelings, alone.
Fuck, I'm in way over my head.
We beat Vancouver three to one, and fuck, it feels good. There's nothing like performing your best and the entire damn world seeing it. And now I feel on top of the damn world.
