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Reed
The campfire crackles and pops.Its embers glowing orange and red in front of me. We’re all sitting around the fire pit together while Evan and Ma make s’mores. I move my gaze from the fire to Holland, who’s wrapped in a Sherpa jacket with a blanket draped over her shoulders, clutching a mug of hot chocolate and staring into the flames. I can see them lick and surge in the blue-glass reflection of her eyes.
“You okay?” I ask quietly. Ma’s occupied with Evan, but I don’t want to make Holland uncomfortable. She’s been even more quiet than usual since I took Evan on the ice.
Holland nods. “Yeah.” The smile on her lips doesn’t reach her eyes, and I can tell that it’s forced. I wish we were alone, so I could touch her. Hold her fucking hand and reassure her, but these rules we stupidly created prevent me from doing any of those things.
But tonight, it ends. I plan to tell her exactly how I feel.
“Evan, are you sleepy?” Ma asks him. I tear my gaze from Holland and glance at Evan. His eyes are heavy, and the stick he’s holding with gooey marshmallow on it is starting to droop.
I laugh. “I think so. I can put him to bed.” I start to rise from the chair, but Ma shakes her head and gives me a stern look. “You will not. I don’t get enough time with him as it is. I’ll get him ready for bed, and I’m going to turn in myself. I’m an old woman, I need my beauty rest.”
“You’re already beautiful, Ma,” I tell her.
Her gaze softens. “You and Holland enjoy the fire for a bit. There’s no sense in wasting a perfectly good fire. Plus, I think Emery will be here, at least I hope, before midnight. Wild girl.”
Ma chides, but Emery is her only daughter, and she lets her get away with more stuff than I ever did.
“Come here, bud,” I tell Evan. He pads over to me, and I scoop him up into my arms in a tight hug. “Goodnight, I’ll see you in the morning, kay?”
He nods, rubbing his eyes sleepily.
Ma takes his hand and leads him inside. Now it’s just Holland and me sitting in silence, with the sound of the sizzling fire.
“What’s wrong, baby?” I ask. I know Holland. I’ve known her since she was the shy, nerdy little girl who was best friends with my sister and lived next door. And in the last six months, I’ve spent every bit of free time with her and Evan, getting to know the parts of her I only saw from a distance, and I know her. Like the back of my hand. Better than I’ve known anyone before.
She’s been quieter, withdrawn, and she’s keeping me at an arm’s length. Completely unlike her, and I haven’t wanted to press or make her feel like I was suffocating her. Especially because of these damn rules.
Holland looks up at me, tears shining in her deep blue eyes. “I can’t do this anymore, Reed.” Her words are merely a whisper, but they pack more of a punch than anything she’s ever said.
It feels like a bucket of ice water has been dumped over my head. My fucking heart stops in my chest.
My voice is hoarse and raw as I croak, "What? What do you meanthis? Our arrangement? Us?”
Our eyes are locked until she tears her tearful gaze away, and it feels like each second that passes, she’s retreating further and further away from me. Maybe not physically, but right now, it feels like there’s a fucking ocean separating us.
She lifts a shaky hand and covers her mouth as tears fall from her eyes.
Seeing her cry is like a knife to the heart. A white hot, brutal pain that I feel deep in my chest. I want to pull her into my arms, and say fuck the world, but it isn’t that easy.
None of this is.
“I can’t lie to Emery anymore. I can’t keep secrets from my best friend. I can’tpretendany longer.” She looks away, staring off into the dark woods ahead of us then back to me, her gaze full of enough pain to hit me in the gut full force. “I can’t pretend that this arrangement is working anymore. Those rules… they were never going to work. I should’ve known that before I agreed to this. I can’t pretend that I don’t have feelings for you any longer, Reed.” Her lip quivers as she continues, “God, talking to your mom tonight… Reed, she thinks you're seeing someone. She said she’s never seen you so happy. You deserve someone you can be with, out in the open, not in secret.”
I stand from the chair and walk over to her, crouching down in front of her, sliding my hands up to cradle her jaw. She squeezes her eyes shut tightly, leaning in to my touch as steady tears fall down her cheeks.
“She’s right. I’ve never been happy this way. Fuck, I’ve never felt like thisever.And it’s terrifying. I’ve heard about this. From my teammates, my friends, from Liam. About how it feels to love someone.”
She stills beneath my touch, but I don’t stop. “That falling in love is the greatest feeling in the world, and they’re not wrong. But it’s also scary. That’s the part that no one tells you about. The vulnerable, raw part of you that you’re putting in another person’s hands and praying that they love you for who you are. I love you, Holland. I aminlove with you.”
Hot tears fall from her blue eyes, and she lets out a small sob at my declaration. “I am not sorry for falling in love with you. I’m sorry that I had to do it in secret, when all I want to do is shout it from the rooftop of the tallest building in the whole damn city. I fucking love you, Holland. I thought I could never love anyone, that I was broken, that I was messed up from my father, but then you showed me otherwise. You and Evan are the only future I see. Those feelings you have? Baby, I feel them too and I have for a long time. I should’ve told you sooner, but I wasn’t ready to be honest with myself, or with you. I had to figure it out the hard way.”
“Reed,” she cries. Her bottom lip trembles as she winds her hands through my hair to the back of my neck. This moment, it’s everything I’ve been holding inside, and fuck, it feels good to say it out loud. To tell her how I feel, even if I’m petrified of fucking it up. Of letting myself get hurt. Of hurting her.
I press my forehead to hers. “I can’t go back, Holland. I can’t go back to the way things were before. Not when I know what it’s like to love you.”
She nods against me. “I… I love you too, Reed.”
