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Twelve
There have been veryfew times in my life that I’ve felt pure, untouched happiness. The kind of feeling that you can recall at any given time, one that sends a shot of serotonin straight from your brain to your heart, at just the thought of that moment.
Like the first time I ever stepped onto the ice as an Avalanche. Or my first day as a coach for the Mighty Pucks and even the first game we won by a landslide. Or even holding the Stanley Cup in my hands after the most brutal and rewarding season I’d ever played.
But nothing, and I mean absolutelynothing,holds a candle to what I’m feeling right now with this small, fragile bundle wrapped in pink that’s snuggled in my arms.
I’m a father.
I have a daughter, and God, she’s the most perfect thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. And for the past forty-eight hours, I haven’t been able to take my eyes off of her at all. Worried that if I close my eyes, even if only for a moment, she’ll disappear from view as quickly as she came. Maybe that’s a tad neurotic, and if you would’ve told me this time last week that I’d be holding a baby, let alone my own, I would’ve told you that you were fucking insane. But now that I’m here, holding her in my arms, I get what everyone says about “new parents.” I never want to set her down, and I never want to forget what this moment feels like. Her tiny hand is wrapped around my finger as she sleeps, her eyelids fluttering with whatever she's dreaming of, while I memorize everything about her.
Her chest rises and falls steadily as she sleeps, and I count the breaths, over and over. Proof that she’s here, and she’s mine. That if I blink, she won’t actually disappear into thin air.
I don’t even want to think about what will happen when we walk out of these doors because it fucking terrifies me. What will it mean for us when we leave the safe, untouched bubble we’ve been in since her birth?
Will Maddison allow me to be present in their lives? Will these be the last moments I get with Olive before everything goes to shit? The thought alone causes my chest to seize in panic. I never really believed in love at first sight, not until her anyway. The moment that my eyes landed on her, still fresh from her mother’s stomach, I felt something unfamiliar in my chest. Something that, until this moment, I had never felt before. A mixture of pride and overwhelming love, knowing I created this tiny baby with strong lungs, and the cutest dimpled cheeks I’ve ever seen.
I don’t need a paternity test to know that she’s mine. She has my nose and my chin, and you know, more of me than she does Maddison, which is unlucky for Olive, since her mother’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. My eyes scan her face again for the millionth time, memorizing the slope of her nose, the long, dark lashes that fan out on her cheeks. Her lips pucker in her sleep, and I grin, so unbelievably proud.
I can’t believe I created something so perfect. I can’t believe I’m a dad. I can’t believe I love her so much already, and she’s only been here two days.
“Briggs?”
Looking up, Maddison’s eyes meet mine. A small smile sits on her lips, one that’s just for me, almost like a secret that we share that no one else is privy to.
“Yeah?” I whisper, careful not to stir my little girl from her peaceful sleep. Who knows how long that will last. She’s woken up every hour on the hour to feed from her mama, and if I can hold her even a second longer, I will.
“We’re going to be discharged soon. To go home.”
I chew the inside of my cheek until it’s nearly raw. I don’t want to leave her. Not now, fuck, not ever. Swallowing thickly, I reply, “I know. I wish we didn’t have to.”
Her eyes soften, and I drag my gaze back to Olive.
“I think we have some really important things to discuss, decisions that need to be made and the hospital isn’t a place to do it.” She pauses, clearing her throat from the exhaustion that’s made her voice raspy. “If you want to come home with us today, that would be okay with me. I mean, only if you want to.”
She looks as petrified as I feel, and I understand. Both of our lives have been turned upside down in the past forty-eight hours, and it seems unreal to think that the decisions we make in the next few days will change our lives even more, forever. I just hope that she allows me to be a part of Olive’s life. Their lives.
I nod. “I’d love that. I really don’t want to leave her.”
Her lips stretch into a smile that can only be described as adoration. “She is absolutely perfect.”
“I love her so much already, Maddison. I’m terrified to pull my eyes off of her for even a second.”
“Me too. I’m paranoid that if I look away, she’ll stop breathing. She’s so tiny. Breakable.”
As if she hears us talking about her, Olive begins to stir in my arms, her eyes beginning to crack open. She gazes up at me with dark green eyes that she definitely must have gotten from her mother.
Then she begins to cry, and I know it’s time for a feeding. Every hour, it’s like clockwork. I rise from the chair and walk over to Maddison, gently setting her in her arms, and then I look away as she begins to unfasten her top to feed Olive.
She never asks me to, but I give her privacy during those times she feeds Olive. The primal part of me wants to watch her feed our daughter, and then I realize that it would probably make her feel uncomfortable, seeing as how nothing has been discussed.
Instead, I give her a grin before exiting the room to text the guys. My phone’s been blowing up from our group chat and as I scroll through the messages, I can’t help but laugh.
Graham and Hudson are currently arguing over who’s going to be the best uncle, and if I had to guess, Reed and Asher are going to join in any second.
Graham: Hell no, I’m going to buy her so much cool shit she’s going to love me the most.
Hudson:Eyeroll emoji– Didn’t anyone ever tell you that you can’t buy somebody’s love, rookie? This kid is going to love me the most because I’m going to take her to every hockey game imaginable and I’m going to get her on the ice the second she learns how to walk.
