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JOSIE
The surrounding walls are a pale yellow. Small and suffocating. Being back here, in general, makes me feel like I haven’t come up for air in weeks.
Swinging my legs off the bed, I slowly stand and pad towards the bathroom. My gaze wanders around the place as I brush my teeth. The house is small. And old. But now that I have my furniture, it seems so much like home. It’s my place. I’m safe here.
After dressing, I head into the kitchen and withdraw a bottle of water. I take a long sip and lean on the counter, staring out the window. The air simmers, showing how hot it is outside. I take another drink.
I walk towards the bedside table, and then yank open the drawer and rummage inside it. My fingers snag across a photograph, and I pull it out. It’s an old photograph of Elise and me. She’s holding out the camera, and I’m leaning my head on her shoulder, a small, shy smile on my lips. Her smile is confident and wide, so big that you can almost see every tooth.
Swiping my thumb over her face, I stare down at her.
“Oh, Elise,” I whisper.
Blinking away tears, I fetch my purse and jog to the car. I stop by the service station to fuel up my car and grab a bunch of flowers. I make tracks out to the cemetery. Glancing around, I see that it’s deserted.
I sit in my car for a good ten minutes before I’m brave enough to step outside of it. I twist the flowers nervously in my hands, having never visited a cemetery before. Taking a steadying breath, I explore the pathways, my eyes searching.
It only takes me a few minutes to find her gravestone.
IN LOVING MEMORY OF
Elise Porter
2000-2019
My heart sinks low in my chest. I find it hard to breathe as I read and reread the words in front of me. I drop to my knees and place a hand over the soft grass.
“Elise …” I whisper, hot tears burning my eyes. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
Tears run down my cheeks as I place the flowers down. I hunch over, pressing my fingers into my eyelids.
“You were too young. Too fucking young.” I sniffle, so many untamed emotions rearing up inside of me, tearing to break free and ruin everything I have fought so hard to build. “And I wasn’t here.”
My mouth is hot and sticky as I try to inhale evenly.
“It should have been me.”
Slowly, I sit back up. I hover a hand over my heart and the other on the grass, just before the gravestone. The tears keep coming and for a moment, I fear they won’t stop.
I cry until there are no tears left. Until my legs are numb and my throat hoarse.
“I loved you.” I clear my throat. “Iloveyou. You deserve better than this.” I choke on my words, exhaling. “You deserve the world.”
Pushing to my feet, I sway a few times, the pins and needles shooting down my legs making me feel unstable. I wait a few moments before I lean over and touch the top of the gravestone. Pressing my lips to my fingers, I trail them over the top of the gravestone.
“I’m sorry that I let you down.”
Breathe—in, one, two, three. Out—one, two, three.
I’m barely focused on the road when I drive back into town. I call into the supermarket to grab a few things. I internally groan when I spot the shiny, golden hair of Jess. I duck between the aisles and shake my hair over my shoulder, attempting to shield my face.
“Josephine?” I hear her call.
I exhale. “It’s Josie.”
“Oh. Sorry. Josie.” She says it just like Nick does.Joe-see. Like they’re having trouble pronouncing it.
“What is it?” I ask, sniffling, not looking up.
