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JOSIE
Four Years Ago
It is an unusually cool night. The wind sweeps over my legs, and I tuck them deeper underneath the rug.
John, Eric, Elise, Nick, and myself are spread amongst two of our dad’s trucks, huddled in the back of the trays. The screen flickers to life, and the sound booms around us in a patchy echo. Once a month the residents of Fern Grove gather in the soccer fields for a drive-in movie, like they used to “back in the day,” my dad often says.
I’m not particularly interested in the movie being shown, but it’s a fun excuse to meet up with friends and hang out. There isn’t all that much to do in this town, so we take anything we can get.
Elise and John are segregated in the other tray. Eric bounces between both groups, wanting to hang out with Nick and myself, but not wanting to leave John and Elise alone either, although neither boys realise her affections are solely on Brennon and their constant fight for her attention isn’t getting them anywhere.
I rest my head on Nick’s shoulder, a soft sigh leaving me, watching the screen, but not really seeing. For a week I blew off my hangouts with Nick. Guilt has my stomach in knots to the point I can’t stand myself.
Every time we hang out, it feels stale and forced, not that I think Nick has picked up on this. Sometimes I feel like it’s so obvious, there could be a sign flashing above my head, and other times I wonder if he notices my behaviour at all.
Every day I tell myself I’m happy. This is what I want. I love Nick.
I respect his decision to wait. I say it in my mind over and over. I’ve tried more than once this week to talk about our future. It’s whathewants, always.
My eyes roam around us. I can see multiple couples making out, the movie long forgotten. I envy them. Isn’t that normal? To explore? To push each other’s boundaries?
With my heartbeat loud in my ears, I place my hand onto Nick’s thigh. His hand strokes my arm gently, eyes not leaving the screen. Barely breathing, I move it up his leg.
“Josie,” Nick snaps quietly. His voice is low and this time, his patience has run out. “We are not having this conversation again.”
Heat slaps my cheeks, and I kick the blanket off.
“Josie,” he sighs, but I pull my hand from his outstretched one. “Where are you going?”
“To get more popcorn,” I hiss at him through my teeth.
I stomp past the lines of cars, feeling the familiar sting of rejection and embarrassment circulating inside of me. How many times am I going to put myself through this?
Hands find my waist, dragging me sideways. My breath gets trapped inside my lungs as I’m ushered to the back of a familiar black truck.
“Hey.”
Fire spreads through my body as those icy eyes settle on me. Harley’s trademark smirk is visible in the next-to-no light.
“Harley,” I whisper.
He combs my hair back from my face, tilting my head back. His breath is hot and buttery over my lips.
“I’ve missed you.”
A jolt of something I can’t describe makes my knees knock together.
“I’ve missed you, too,” I say back, surprised at my honesty. It’s true, I really miss him when he’s not with me. I’m constantly searching for him in the hallways, looking for his truck driving by, waiting for the next time he tugs me into a classroom.
“Have you broken up with that boyfriend yet, or are you still trying to kid yourself?”
It’s hard to process his words when his thumb rubs like that over my lip. My head feels foggy.
“You don’t want to date me,” I whisper.
“Don’t I?” he questions. “Why not?”
“Harley Caldwell doesn’t date.”
