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“Gabriel will make a fine father someday.” I wasn’t clueless. I knew what she hinted at.
“And so will you.”
As much as I loved her, my mother didn’t know me very well. Like everyone, she only knew the man I showed her. Being her son was only one of my many faces.
“That’s not in the cards for me.”
I stood up to leave. The conversation was going to take an uncomfortable turn. It would break her heart if I told her the truth. That I was a miserable bastard who didn’t deserve love and didn’t know how to give it in return. That all the love she had showered on me over the years was wasted on a sociopath who got pleasure out of killing. A perverted soul who needed to end men’s lives in order to feel whole.
I was ready to step through the door when she reached for my hand again. ‘You never know,” she said softly, “when things will change.”
“Maybe you’re right.” I kissed her cheek, ending the conversation. “Let us know when you’re ready. Don’t hurry. It’s okay for the guest of honor to make a grand entrance.”
I went back to my room to get ready. I let the water pour over me in the shower, letting the heat scald me. It brought my body to life again. Worked its way through the tense muscles. I was stuck on her last words, replaying them in my mind. I could have blocked them if I tried hard enough, but I needed those words to harden me. To remind me. It was my weakness and the only way to overcome it was to pound it into my soul.
I would never change. My best chance of becoming a different man had long since passed. My destiny was final.Heno longer existed. What few sparks that were left of that man were extinguished by tears shed on a plane to England five years ago.
