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I had no idea what Dante did for a living. He was twelve years older than me; twenty-four when Lilly and I met. He was always traveling. Here one day and gone the next. Sometimes for a few days. Sometimes for months at a time. When I asked Lilly about it when I was a teenager, she shrugged it off. She said he worked in investments, the stock market, stuff like that. It wasn’t until I matured that the answer she gave no longer made no sense to me. Why would he have to travel so extensively to work the stock market?
“—love life. Girl, we’ve got to get you hooked up now that you’re home.”
I blinked as I realized Lilly had changed the subject and my mind had been on Dante once again. I needed to get that under control.
“I don’t ‘hook up,’” I laughed, and Lilly knew that. She always put gentle pressure on me to be more open to spontaneous relationships, as she called them. “One-night stands” was more like it. Personally, I found the idea gross. I don’t judge those who partake of that choice, but being intimate with someone you didn’t know, someone you’d just met... it made me queasy just to think about it. What if they don’t shower regularly? Not to mention other diseases, and stuff, not just those you can prevent with a condom, but ... ick. I couldn’t even fathom having sex with a stranger.
“I know,” she teased. “You may not wear it openly, but I know you’re a card-carrying member of the V-club.”
“V-club? Seriously? And that’s not a shocker. I just haven’t found anyone I want to get that close to.” I defended myself and my rights not to fall into bed with every guy who wanted to use me for his pleasure.
“You’re twenty-six, Noemi. It’s time to get rid of the baggage.”
“It’s not baggage.” I scoffed. “I don’t even think about it.”
“Okay. So then there’s no reason not to find someone for you. Jacko seemed plenty interested last night.”
I frowned. He had definitely been interested, but he was overbearing, presumptuous and kind of a jerk. I wasn’t too drunk to not notice that. “Not really my type.”
Lilly swirled her linguini around her plate before she put down her fork and sighed. “I love you, Noemi, but... I don’t want to see you get hurt. I don’t think it’s ever going to happen.”
“What’s never going to happen? What are you talking about?” I got a nauseous feeling in my stomach. It was something we’d never discussed before, and I had a feeling that Lilly was going to bring it all out into the open.
“You and Dante.” She whispered. “I know how you feel about him. I know that you had a crush on him before you went to England. That you’ve had a crush on him for a long time, but... he’s not the guy for you, Noe,” she said, using Willis’ nickname for me. “You need to stop waiting. He’s never going to come around and see what’s right in front of his face.”
A strange pain zapped through me. It hurt to hear her say the words. It was true. All of it. I had held onto my teenage crush on Dante Calegari and his mysterious darkness long after my childhood was over, long after I should have realized that he had absolutely no interest in me. He’d even told me so. To my face. And now, I faced the realization that I hadn’t listened to him. “I’ve never said –”
“You don’t have to say anything,” Lilly cut off my weak denial. “It’s all over your face. I know you’re shy but you’re pathologically so when Dante enters the room. Then there’s the way you look at him when you think no one is watching. Even Gabriel thinks –”
“You’ve discussed this with Gabriel? My God, Lilly!” I felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment.
“Well, at least now you’ve admitted it.” She reached over and grabbed my hand across the table. “That’s the first step, but you need to move on. It’s never going to happen.”
“How can you know that?” Hearing her be so blunt about my feelings hurt, especially since it was coming from one of the people who knew Dante better than anyone. If Lilly thought there was no hope, then there really couldn’t be. Not for me. The shy girl in me was devastated. I made one last ditch effort to not blame myself for not being the kind of woman Dante could ever want. Maybe, he just wasn’t interested in women and I didn’t have to berate myself for all the shortcomings that made me unattractive in his eyes. “Is he... he’s not... Is he?”
“Gay?” Lilly supplied the word for me. “No. At least, Gabriel says he’s not. He’s just... different.”
My eyes narrowed. “Different...how?”
“Listen, I’ve never seen him with a girl, but that doesn’t mean anything. He’s so private, you know. He doesn’t share much of his life outside of our family. Gabriel says he has his women. People who take care of his needs, if you know what I mean. But ... he doesn’t have relationships, Noe. He’d only hurt you more.”
“More?” After the way he treated me in the last forty-eight hours, I couldn’t imagine him hurting me “more.”
“You may not be willing to admit it, but you’re holding out for the unattainable. It kills me to say this,” she whispered, squeezing my hand, “but now that you’re home, I couldn’t bear to watch you sit and wait for another five years. He’s not the right person for you.”
I didn’t want to give up hope. I was a romantic. I needed the cold truth to set me free. “When you see me watching him,” I asked, fidgeting with my fork. “When I look away, does he ever look back?”
Lilly shook her head. “No. He doesn’t. Nobody wants the two of you together more than I do, but it’s impossible. He likes... Gabriel wouldn’t elaborate, he just said a nice girl like you didn’t belong with a man like Dante.”
That meant Dante had never said there was no hope. It was Gabriel’s decree? That pissed me off. “Really? So, Gabriel Calegari is in charge of my love life now?”
“He doesn’t want you hurt either. Listen, Noe. Gabriel understands Dante even better than I do. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“Quit saying that, Lilly. It’s not like I’ve been pining away for your brother and I kinda resent that you think that.” Lying was about the only thing I could think of to save face.Deny. Deny. Deny.
“Don’t get upset. I’m just trying to look out for you. Dante’s a wonderful brother. But other than that, he’s cold. Standoffish. Honestly, I don’t know what you see that would interest you in him in the first place. You wouldn’t be happy with him. I know you wouldn’t.”
Lilly couldn’t imagine what I saw in Dante because Lilly wasn’t in the kitchen the night before my parent’s funeral. She didn’t see the way he looked at me,really looked at me, as if in that one moment of time, his entire world revolved around making me feel whole again. She didn’t know what I knew, what I saw, what Ifeltwhen his arms had closed around me and his hand had cupped my head. She wasn’t there when he got that same look in his eye right before he told me to “get the fuck on that plane.”
Maybe she was right. Maybe it time to let was. Wasn’t that the real reason I’d come home? Because I needed to face him. I needed to find out if I was over him, if five years had been long enough to be able to tell the difference between dreams and reality. And if it weren’t, I needed togetover him because I needed to move on with my life. I could have gone anywhere, lived anywhere, but I came home to Bridgeport to deal with my feelings for Dante. I just didn’t have the courage to admit it.
And I wasn’t ready to admit anything over lunch with Lilly, either.
“I didn’t come back so we could fight over your brother. Let’s table this for another day. I need to get home so I can meet the repairmen. What do I need to wear for dinner?”
“Dress up. Gabriel has some associates coming over. Who knows? Maybe we’ll find your new guy,” Lilly suggested slyly.
I rolled my eyes, not letting her see the absolute dread the thought created within me. “Don’t do anything crazy, please. I’ll come for dinner, but I don’t need any matchmaking sessions at my expense. Let me get settled in before you start lining up the eligible bachelors.”
“I won’t do anything crazy,” she agreed. “Just keep an open mind. I’ve met some of these guys. They’re not my type, but some of them are pretty hot.”
