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Chapter Ten
- Gabriel -
Ifought it all week- the need to be with her, the urge to touch her. I made a promise I shouldn’t keep. A redo of a kiss because the first one had disappointed even me. She deserved better than to be pushed against a wall, and while she said she didn’t mind - I did. I’m not saying I’m not that man, because clearly I was, and if I couldn’t get control of the animal in me, it’d happen again. I can’t deny I wanted to surrender to that primal instinct. Repressing emotions wasn’t something I was used to. I also didn’t let them control me. There was a balance, a system to walking the line between who I was and who I needed to be. Most of the time they were the same man.
And if Suzanne had been anyone else, none of this would matter. I’d get what I wanted from her and walk away.
That’s why I decided to not make that phone call. I told myself I wouldn’t see her again. She deserved better. It only took two days for me to figure it out. I was insanely attracted to her. That was an urge I thought I could tame.
The worst part was - I liked her. Like, really enjoyed being with her. Within minutes, I could forget who she was. She made me forget whoIwas - which was as liberating as it was terrifying.
And I couldn’t have both.
I would let her go. Now - before it was too late. Before I had a chance to be with her, to lie next to her, to really hold her and taste every sweet drop of what she offered. I could have fucked her in the back seat Sunday night. I could have. But I had never beenthatman. I never wanted anyone so desperately that I couldn’t do better. So, did me not giving in that night mean I didn’t want her badly enough... or did it mean I respected her that much?
I spent the entire week debating it. By Thursday morning, I had convinced myself she was too good for me, and I’d do the noble thing and leave her alone. I made myself fucking miserable and rained my misery down on everyone who came near me. I spent Wednesday and Thursday night sleeping at the club. I didn’t go home for two days because I didn’t want my mother or Lilly to bear the brunt of my frustration.
Finding out about a recent shipment of firearms that had been “confiscated” by authorities and that one of my faceless hackers had apparently been picked up by police for unrelated charges - or so my sources told me - added to my growing dissatisfaction with pretty much everything.
I call the hackers faceless because I never meet them. I don’t even know their names. Seven degrees of separation, but close enough to me that no one wants to renege on promises made and not delivered. We’d keep an eye on the hacker - use our resources to make sure he didn’t speak out of turn. If he had only been arrested for the incident in a bar where he’d allegedly smashed a glass pitcher into a guy’s face, then I’d let it ride and monitor the situation. If his chargers were anything related to cyber-crimes, even if they weren’t mine... It’d been a long time since I had to make a decision like that. I knew what I’d have to do, but that didn’t mean I’d like it. The more civilized my world became, the more my conscience suffered. Perhaps the age of brutality was best. You made snap decisions and people died, enough people that you became desensitized to the loss of life and the consequences the murders of fathers, brothers, sons, and grandchildren had on families.
I wasn’t a good person. Not really. My life centered around taking from others - money, prestige, pride. I never lost sleep over it.
But the more I removed myself from unnecessary bloodshed, the less thirsty for it I became.
If someone deserved to die, I didn’t give it a second thought. Hurt me and mine and there’s nothing to think about. All the more reason to work as hard as I did to limit collateral damage and guilt by association.
You ended up in jail after a weekend binge - that’s on you and you faced the consequences of your actions. Ourbusinesswas done.
You mentioned one fucking word about your computer skills, andyouwere done. I couldn’t wait to find out where the shrapnel would land. I couldn’t afford to.
The drunk was being monitored by a variety of sources. If he hinted at anything he shouldn’t, I’d make the call. Unfortunately, I wasn’t this particular hacker’s only client. There were some that needed him more than I did. He was expendable to all of us. I had others I trusted more - for that very reason – but there were offenses that couldn’t be overlooked.
My decision to take him out might ruffle some feathers, though I’d probably be doing them a favor. They’d thank me under their breath then, because I was the one who made the call, some of them would get their panties in a bundle and think they’d have to make a statement when they knew fucking well they’d do the same thing. It was a matter of who had the balls to call it - who was less afraid of all the others.
I didn’t give a fuck about any of them. We all knew it’d be me. I wouldn’t hesitate.
But the shit I’d have to deal with pissed me off. Coupled with my determination to walk away from Suzanne, my humanity crumbled. I didn’t say a nice fucking word to anyone all week. I put up with Sebastian’s idiot nephew. I swallowed my pride and pretended losing those weapons was par for the course. These things happened. But lately, they were happening too frequently. The implications were right in front of me - the one that kept me up at night. I let thoughts of Suzanne distract me so I could have something pleasant to think about, then when her light shined too bright for someone who belonged in the dark, I stamped it out. I was even too cowardly to pick up the phone and tell Suzanne that I’d changed my mind. I let the wounds fester until I could barely stand myself. It was ridiculous. She made me weak with just the thought of her. She had to go.
And then something occurred that made realize that drunken hackers, botched arms deals and all the angels on Earth weren’t the only thing to drive a man to the brink of insanity.
I hadn’t been home in days. My family was in good hands. The security crew worked around the clock and Lilly was in a prolonged state of cooperation. I had sent her a text earlier in the week, asking her to stay close to home because I’d be gone for a few days. She didn’t grumble or argue, just replied with a quick, “Sure. Be careful.”
Me: Keep an eye on Ma.
Lilly: Of course.
Me: See you this weekend.
Lilly: Duh.
She never said anything or acted like she knew my chances of coming home each night weren’t the same as the average person’s. I could rant about my frustration over her occasional stubbornness, but truthfully, I got it. I understood her more than anyone else ever would because I was the warden of her prison, and I didn’t like what I had to do any more than she did. I labored over each decision, never taking them lightly, feeling vindicated when I came home to her hugs and smiles, knowing she had survived another day.
It was a gift I was never able to give my father. I was never able to take the pain away for my mother. But I’d do everything, misguided or not, to try to do that for Lilly.
But that Friday, I was reminded again of my failures, and it had nothing to do with Lilly, at least, not with anything she could control.
I had showered and changed at the club. I’d made up my mind - no more Suzanne. I’d kill the drunk bastard if I needed to. The guns were gone and couldn’t be traced back to me. I could move forward.
