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“I have it planned to take three weeks. We’ll spend two weeks at my family’s little seaside cottage, and then fly home.”
“Connor! That’s unbelievable. We’re really driving all the way up the East Coast and spending two weeks at Martha’s Vineyard?” I clap my hands like a child. I feel like a child. A kid on Christmas morning to be exact.
“I hope you’re happy. I’ve got a lot of cool stops planned for us along the way. But we’ll mostly be driving in this camper. That’s why I wanted something a bit more comfortable than my car. You can stretch out on the bed in the back and we can have snacks and stop and rest … or whatever … whenever we want to.”
His reference to “whatever” is obvious. I’m flattered that Connor finds me desirable. But I’m worried he’ll be disappointed when he learns we won’t be having sex. Last night, he made me promise I’d trust him with my anxious thoughts. And I’m about to test him in his commitment to listen without judgment.
“Connor, we’re not going to have sex.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because, I … that is, it’s um …” I falter in my resolve. I reach over to turn the music up, and he stills my hand by gently touching my wrist and holding it in his fingers.
“Lainey, tell me. Please.” His voice is serious and softer. All playfulness gone. I’m not sure what it is about the way he commands me to do things, but I am powerless to do anything but obey. It’s so frustrating.
I let out a long breath. “Look, I don’t mean to be a tease. That’s what you think of me, don’t you? Because of what happened at the spa. I don’t even know what on earth possessed me to do that. I have absolutely no clue. Because I’m not usually like that.” I’m rambling now, but he just looks at me like he doesn’t have the heart to interrupt. I haul in a deep breath, hoping the explanation I’m willing to give will be enough. “I don’t really like sex. I’m sorry, but I’m just not that girl. Are you disappointed?”
“No, I mean, yeah. But I respect your feelings, of course. It’s just … what do you mean, you don’t like sex?” His expression is not one of disappointment, but rather one of complete and utter disbelief. I know. I know. #freak.
“It’s … um, unpleasant. That is, uncomfortable for me, that’s all. I don’t really want to get into it. It’s embarrassing.” I hope that he’ll leave it at that, but no. He keeps on.
“Physically, you mean?”
“Do we really have to discuss this?” I plead silently with him to stop. I don’t know if I have the courage to say more. To tell him my darkest secret. The one that has derailed me into this life I’m in.
“Yes. I think we kinda do, Little Bird.” His voice is adamant. “After the way you made me feel in that shower? Raven, you can’t tell me you don’t like sex because it’s uncomfortable, and then just expect me to let that go. Why is it uncomfortable?”
“I don’t have a lot of experience, I guess. It was just that Jemmy, my ex, well, he was … well …it was always painful when we had sex.” My face is seventeen shades of crimson.
“Wait a minute!” Connor commands. He swiftly pulls the RV onto the shoulder, bouncing us violently as he careens to a stop from highway speed. He turns and looks at me with an expression of genuine concern edged with anger.
“Do you mean to tell me that some jackass hurt you? Forced you?” Connor’s eyes fill with what looks to be bordering on rage. His jaw muscles flex and I can tell he’s grinding his teeth.
“No. Of course, he never forced me. It’s just that … well, he didn’t mean to … he never intended to, of course. It’s just that I don’t have a lot of experience so …”
“Babe, stop.” Connor shakes his head in disbelief. “Raven, I’m sorry, but that’s utter bullshit. You know that, right? Being inexperienced has nothing to do with how it feels. Jesus, Lainey, he hurt you, baby.” His knuckles trail down my cheek in a feathersoft caress. “And that’s not OK.” Tears fill my eyes, but I swallow hard, willing them not to fall. For the moment, they obey. But I know it won’t be for long. “He’s the one, isn’t he? He told you that you weren’t good enough, didn’t he?”
“No.” I can feel my stone wall of insecurity being reconstructed again, mortared together by fear, doubt and anxiety. “Just drop it. This is a stupid conversation. All that is personal. We’re not having sex. The reason doesn’t matter, does it? I’ll keep my hands to myself from now on. Let’s go. We’ll be late for the dinner.” I sniffle, but the tears remain unshed. Thank God!
Connor unbuckles his seatbelt and comes to kneel between our chairs. I have no idea how he fits himself in that snug space, but the fact that he kneels in front of me weakens me in ways I can’t begin to explain.
“Nevermind about dinner. Lainey, I’m so sorry he hurt you.” His fingers come up and softly touch my neck. “This trip isn’t about sex. No expectations, right? All I want you to know is that I’m sorry you were hurt. You deserve so much better, Raven. I won’t always get things right, but I promise I won’t hurt you. Nothing happens unless you’re comfortable. One hundred percent comfortable. OK?” I nod slowly as he speaks. “You are wonderful, remember? You deserve for everything to be wonderful in and out of the bedroom.”
The tears pooling in my eyes reach nearly to overflowing, and my heart wants to break. The newly erected stones of the wall around me come crumbling down again. He actually stopped on the side of the road to apologize for what happened with Jemmy? Well, at least as much as he knows about it. And to remind me that he thinks I’m wonderful. I need to be reminded of that. And he somehow just gets it. I don’t know whether I’m more touched because of all of that or because he makes me feel brave. He doesn’t judge me. Doesn’t pry or force me to reveal everything. There’s no way I feel brave enough for that. I don’t know if I ever will.
“Thank you. It’s OK. I’m OK.” I whisper, holding back the tears somehow.
“No, Lainey Bird, you’re not. Not yet. But you will be. I promise.”
Connor’s hand reaches and touches my cheek again. He caresses my skin and gives me a compassionate smile.
“Connor, if you’re disappointed. I want you to know, I have no intention of teasing you.”
“That’s not what yesterday was to me, Raven. Shush now. No more talking. I understand. Don’t worry. And I still think you’re wonderful. Whatever happens or doesn’t happen, I’m still glad you’re here with me.”
He slides back into his seat and fastens his seatbelt again. Wordlessly, he maneuvers the camper back onto the highway. He turns the radio up andClimax’sYoungest Lovercomes over the speakers. I sigh, remembering my wish and wondering if it could ever come true.
* * *
