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“Yeah, that and”—Cal gestures a hand up and down the length of my body—“this is all a facade.”
“Then, I guess you really never did know me, did you?” I cross my arms over my chest. “Because what you see is what you get.”
“If you say so,” he replies sarcastically.
I open my mouth to say more in my defense, to try to convince him otherwise, but I close it quickly, no longer having the desire.
He’s not worth it.
I don’t care if he does know me.
He doesn’t need to.
It’s over between us.
Suddenly, the sight of Cal is no longer disgusting. It’s like I’ve gained some semblance of closure, fully understanding where we went wrong. Sure, he’s a complete dickwad, and his actions certainly do prove that, but we somehow lacked the connection needed for us to survive as a couple. As close as I might have thought we once were, it wasn’t meant to be.
Maybe I really didn’t give him my heart, like I once thought. If I had, he would never have doubted my affection, no matter my mother’s words.
Maybe I’m not capable of giving my heart to anyone.
Maybe it will never be available, stunted somewhere in time.
Is it because no one has ever fully given their heart to me?
Maybe some mysteries of the heart will never be solved, including mine.
Not wanting to dwell in some pathetic pity party, I focus on the check in my hand.
A decision is looming.
I fold the monetary promise in half and tuck it into my pocket. “I’m calling this Dickhead Severance Pay.”
He let’s out a sigh of relief. “If it helps you sleep at night.”
“It will. Now, give me the damn release forms.”
Cal hands over the envelope containing the formal papers.
“Do I need to sign it with blood?” I ask, trying to push his buttons a little.
He pulls out a ballpoint pen. “Use this.”
I sign the document, granting permission for his band to use the logo I created on any of their merchandise. I flip through the pages just to confirm that I agree to all the terms. When I come across the part about future royalties, I cross out and initial that section, indicating that I desire no further moneys from them, including the other half due from the initial purchase.
I don’t want to see Cal ever again.
I’m cutting all ties to this part of my life.
I’m letting go of any stored away anger, resentment, or regret.
I’m releasing.
