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“You’ve been a positive influence on her, though. Lydia thinks it’s because of you, too.”
“Yeah?” I raised my chin, nodding a little. Any positive changes Tiffany’d made, she got the credit for that, but if I’d helped motivate her like she’d told me I had, I felt good about that. Real good. I’d struggled so much in prison with all the ways I’d brought Lake down, and I hadn’t even realized how my visits with Tiffany had had the opposite effect.
“You know I work with kids a lot,” Gary said, “and not that she’s a kid, but I can kind of see how one person can really make a difference in someone’s life. Let me ask you something.” He shifted in his seat to face me better. Gary always got worked up when he talked about his job. In a way, what he did was similar to what I’d wanted to accomplish as an officer. He helped kids, gave them a safe place to go after school, talked to them like adults, provided them with tools to succeed they might not find at home. It was a shame my record meant I couldn’t really get involved in any way. “Does Tiffany have issues with her parents?” he asked.
I shrugged. “I mean . . . yeah. Her dad. He sort of favors her sister. A lot, actually.”
“I thought so, the way she seeks out attention.” He took a pull from his beer. “It’s good she has you. Dads can really do a lot of damage when you’re young, you know?”
Fuck, did I know it. My dad’s actions had changed my life irreparably. I could go on to get everything I wanted in life, but losing Madison, knowing what my dad had done to her—I’d never get over it.
“And the shitty part is, that stuff gets passed down, so you have to break the cycle.”
I looked into my beer. “What do you mean?”
“The parents treat the kids a certain way, and those kids grow up to recreate those behaviors with their children. It’s really fascinating, that stuff. How much is ingrained and how much is learned, you know?”
Ingrained. What Gary was saying, I already knew. I had my dad’s darkness in me. It could flip on like a switch, but how bad could it get? It wasn’t the first time I’d wondered what kind of dad I’d be. My control had already slipped with Lake, even though I’d known the potential consequences. Not just for me, but for a young girl getting involved with someone older.
“You think that’s always true?” I asked.
“Not always, but often enough from what I’ve seen at the Y. You find out a kid’s being abused, and, man,” he shook his head at me, “making that discovery’s not something I’d wish on anyone, but I guarantee, the abuser . . . he came from the same kind of household. You think it’d be the opposite. It’s pretty fucked.”
Abuser. That was my father. That was my grandfather.
What about me?
I’d snuck off with one of Gary’s sixteen-year-old campers. I’d come from a history of abuse.
Terrified he’d start prying into my childhood, I changed the subject. “Anyway, not sure what’s down the line for me and Tiff, but we’re in a good place for now.” We’d gotten into a routine. She worked most days, and in the evenings, she was—slowly—learning to cook. Or we got takeout. She was catching me up on movies I’d missed while inside. “This cohabitating thing isn’t so bad.”
“Don’t admit that to her. She’ll think you’re ready for the next step.”
I grunted. “I think this is the last step for a while.”
“Sure,” Gary said. “I thought the same thing about Lydia. She said she wasn’t looking for anything too serious. Six months later, she’s been hinting about the fact that her lease is almost up.”
“I already bit that bullet.”
“Exactly. You’re one step ahead of us. You know there’s more coming, too.”
I frowned. “I don’t think so. Tiffany’s not really the settling-down type.”
“Denial will only get you so far, bro.” You’ve been together almost two years.”
“One of which I wasn’t around.”
“That’s not how chicks do math. Just watch. Can I bum one?”
I passed Gary the pack. I wasn’t so sure. As well as things had been going between us, Tiffany got frustrated with me, too. She wanted us to do more stuff together, like hitting the bars with her friends, shopping, couples yoga. I didn’t have the money, and except for absolute necessities, I wouldn’t take more from her dad.
Not that I’d been so well-off before going away, but at least then I hadn’t had a record, and I’d been able to pay my student loans. Inside, I hadn’t made enough to keep up my payments, which once had felt manageable and now seemed to balloon.
There were some days where life had felt easier behind bars. I hadn’t had much time alone with Lake in the two months I’d been out. We’d had moments here and there. Some days, I read her like a book, and others, it terrified me how little I knew about her. She had a million things going on, from classes at community college to study groups to pep rallies and even a fucking job at some country club for rich people. She was due to hear from USC any day now. She seemed more and more anxious, unhappy even, but I wasn’t sure if it was just being around me that made her that way. Sometimes, she’d get a certain kind of look and go somewhere in her head—somewhere I wanted to be.
