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“You saw how I reacted on the beach that night. There’ve only been a few other times I’ve gotten that upset.”
“Tell me about them.”
“It mostly has to do with my dad.”
“And the time they sent you to solitary confinement.”
“And that.” He nodded. “If I let my temper get the best of me at any moment, it could change everything for me. I could go back to jail. Worse, I could hurt you.”
The hair on the back of my neck stood up. Not because I thought he’d ever get physical with me, but because I could hear in his voice that he believed he could. “You wouldn’t,” I said.
“You don’t know that. I told you how it was with my dad. There was no telling what would set him off. And I’m the same, Lake. That was what landed me in SHU.”
“You never told me why you snapped.”
“I never told you to protect you from that world.”
“But we can’t have secrets from each other now, Manning.”
He pulled me close, kissing me on the lips. “Your safety and happiness will always be my priority.”
I read between the lines. He would keep from me the things that might hurt me. “I don’t want to be in the dark, Manning.”
He looked anywhere but at me. “Hmm.”
I didn’t think I could ever make Manning do anything he didn’t want to, which was why it was important he see me as an adult, not the girl on the construction site. “We’re going to be partners,” I reminded him.
“We already are. We have been. Don’t you know, no matter what was happening around us, that you were always in the center of my mind? That I would never do or say anything to let anyone hurt you?”
“Anyone but you. You hurt me most of all.” As I said it, I slipped my hand back into his. I wasn’t sure why, except that I knew this conversation was hard for him. Still, I couldn’t stop from pressing the wound. Maybe it was revenge, or maybe it was that my insecurities needed coddling. I didn’t think I’d ever tire of hearing his thoughts.
“I was selfish. I didn’t want to be away from you. I wanted to feel like a good man, and that’s how your sister made me feel.”
“And I didn’t?”
“You just made me feel good. So good, I thought it meant I was bad. How could I feel such a connection for someone I shouldn’t? Can you see the logic in any of that?”
I twisted my lips. What would have happened if Manning had not come into the house that day at Tiffany’s invitation, which later resulted in their first date? I’d been a child then, admittedly more naïve than most. I couldn’t have handled such a man as him, not like Tiffany. What if he’d done all the things I’d tried to get him to do, like take off my clothes in a truck while I was away at camp or kiss me on my sister’s kitchen counter while she slept in the next room? Would he still be here if any of that had happened? If not for Tiffany, would he have left for good to get away from his feelings for me?
We passed more beautiful, glossy stores. Whenever their doors opened, warmth seeped out. “I wish we could spend this Christmas together,” I said. “I’d cook you a turkey and you’d fix my heater. We could watch movies under the blankets and maybe fool around a little.”
He kissed the top of my head. “Not maybe. Definitely. Sounds perfect. Next year, Birdy, I promise you.”
I was stealing my sister’s husband, shattering her world so I could build my own. But my love for Manning was stronger than anything else. If I got to live eighty more years with him, I wasn’t sure I’d change anything about the past few that might’ve prevented that. And I understood why loving me sometimes made him feel like a bad person.
In that instant, it was true for me, too.
12
Lake
“Have you loved other girls?” I asked.
“I can tell you this much,” Manning said, lacing up his skates on a bench. “I’ve never gone ice skating with another girl.”
We’d circled around the city to Rockefeller Center. It’d taken a little bit of convincing on my part to get Manning to do this, but not as much as I had thought. “Why’d you agree?” I asked, standing over him. I’d had my skates on in a third of the time it was taking him.
He glanced up at me, which wasn’t saying much. His head came up to my breasts while seated. “When you smile like that, it’s hard to say no to you.”
“And how come you never skated with any other girls?”
He tightened the lace on one boot and stood up to his full height, causing my head to fall back. With the blades, he must’ve been over six foot six. “You know why.”
