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I love my sister. As the only family we have left, we always make sure to look out for one another. I’m just glad I was sleeping soundly and didn’t have to face her. I’m not ready for that. I still need time now that I’ve slept to process my actions. To process that he’s gone.
My heart twists in my chest when I think about how I ran out on him early this morning. I couldn’t face him. I didn’t want to hear him tell me that we had made a mistake. I don’t know for sure that’s what he would have said, but the fear of the unknown is strong. Now, we have a year. A full year to process it. Hell, I’m not even sure he’ll remember our night together. He was pretty wasted.
Knowing I can’t stay in bed any longer, I’ll be lucky to get any sleep tonight as it is. Tossing off the covers, I move to the edge of the bed and shoot my sister a text before heading to the shower.
Me: I’m up. Feeling much better. Thank you for the sub.
Raven: You’re welcome. Want to come have drinks with the gang?
Me: Nah. Not feeling that good. Have fun and tell everyone I said hi.
Raven: You want me to come hang with you instead?
Me: No. Go have fun. I’m going to shower, eat, and more than likely go back to bed.
Raven: If you need me.
Me: I love you too, big sister.
She sends back a heart and a smiling emoji. We’re twins, but Raven was born two and a half minutes before I was. Therefore, awarding her the older sister title. She loves to use it, and I knew she would enjoy the sentiment.
Chucking my phone on the bed, I make my way into the en suite bathroom and strip out of my clothes. I gasp when I look into the mirror and see bruises all down my neck and on my breasts. Just seeing them brings back the memory of his mouth on my skin. The smell of the beer on his breath and the way it felt as he pushed inside me.
I blink hard. Once. Twice. Three times to ward off the tears that threaten to fall. I miss him already. How am I supposed to go an entire year without him? How could I let things go as far as they did last night and then sneak out on him like I did? If he does remember what happened, he probably hates me. He doesn’t know my phone was off. I’m sure he thinks I was ignoring him, but that’s not the case. I mean, sure, I didn’t want to talk to him, but now I’m regretting that decision.
The service where he’s going will be spotty at best. Clayton had already warned us we’d have to resort to pen and paper to stay in touch, and even that’s slow as hell.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper into the mirror. I lose my battle with my tears as they race unchecked down my cheeks. Moving toward the shower, I turn on the water and wait for it to warm before stepping under the spray.
I’ll write him a letter. I’ll explain I was scared and that he’s been my dream for so long that I couldn’t stand the thought of rejection. That way, if he tells me it was a mistake like I’m fearful that he will, it will be via snail mail and not face-to-face. That will give us months until he’s home to let the sting of the rejection fade, and I can go back to pretending he doesn’t turn my world upside down every time I lay eyes on him.
This has been the longest week of my life. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I miss Hudson. Knowing he’s no longer here has a cloud following me daily. The other part is that I’ve been avoiding my sister and my friends. So much so that I went shopping in Jessup, the town next to ours, on my own. Raven seemed hurt that I didn’t ask her to go. I made up the excuse that it was last minute and she still had clients at the shop. That part was true, but I could have waited. I just needed to get out of our town. I needed to be able to walk around with tears in my eyes from missing him and from the hurt that my own actions caused. I’m scared to death he’s going to hate me when he gets home.
So I spent the day shopping. I even had to actually buy something so that when Raven asked about my haul, I could show her. It was a small price to pay to be able to disappear into my own head for a few hours. It’s hard as hell acting as if your heart isn’t cracked inside your chest. He’s Raven’s best friend, and Clayton, well, those two need to just get together and call it a day, but he’s gone too. For two years instead of one. I know my sister is hurting just like I am, but she didn’t make my mistake. Then again, maybe she did go home with Clayton. I wasn’t there, and I didn’t want to ask for fear she might suspect something. You know, double-edge sword and all that.
