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The truth is that the woman I love went out on a date with someone else. The truth is, I want her to be mine. The truth is that my chest aches from missing her. Needing to do something to channel the anger, I reach for the journal my mother gave me the day we left. There is one entry so far, and it’s the one I wrote on the plane ride here. I read over it again to call forth those feelings to hopefully cover the rage roaring inside me.
Riley,
Everyone on our flight is asleep except for me. Every time I close my eyes, I see you sprawled out on my bed. I can more than see you, Riles. I can taste you. I can smell you. It’s as if you’re sitting right here next to me on this plane.
I came to your place earlier, but you didn’t answer. Raven said you had a headache. Did you, Riley? Really? Or were you just avoiding me? I wanted you to be the first thing I saw when I woke up this morning. I wanted you to still be wrapped in my arms. When I opened my eyes, I was all alone, and the sheets were cold.
I tried calling you to tell you that very thing, but you didn’t answer. At least I got to hear your voice on your voice mail. It’s not the same, but it’s something to hold me over until I’m home.
It’s been a few hours at best, and I miss you already. I don’t know how I’ll last a year without laying eyes on you, kissing you, or smelling your sweet skin.
Hudson
The words ring true, and when I close my eyes a month later, I can still see her on my bed. If I try hard enough, I can almost feel her next to me. Her voice is still in my head, and I hope all of it remains that way. I have eleven months left. While I don’t regret my decision to come to Guatemala, I do feel as though a piece of me is missing. She wasn’t mine, and I only believed that she possibly could be for a small window of time just before I left, but I still feel the loss of not seeing her every day.
I miss all my friends and family, including her sister, but none of them cause the ache in the center of my chest when I think about them. When I think about Riley, the hollow pit in my chest opens up and threatens to swallow me whole.
Pulling the pen cap off with my teeth, I use the small flashlight and begin to write.
Riley,
It’s been four long weeks without you. I miss you more than I can say, but I’m also angry. So damn angry. Why did you sneak out on me? I would give anything to know what was going through your mind. Surely, you know that I wouldn’t risk you or my friendship with Raven for a hookup. You have to know that you are more to me.
I know that I should have told you. Fuck, Riles, I wanted to. I wanted to shout it from the damn rooftop. In fact, I planned on calling Clayton when we woke up to tell him I’d changed my mind. The thought of leaving you after the night we shared, well, I couldn’t imagine it.
When you didn’t answer your phone or your door, I didn’t know what else to do. Did I leave Clayton and the team shorthanded and stay and fight? Or did I go and fulfill my promise? I didn’t know where your head was at, but ultimately, as you know, I left. If I could have just talked to you, or if you would have just stayed, things would have been different.
I miss you.
I’m mad at you.
Hudson
Placing the lid back on the pen, I close the journal and toss it back into the bag underneath my bed. Mom swears it helped her, and to be honest, writing out what I feel helps. I wish I could call her. Hell, I wish I could sit with her face-to-face, but until that happens, the journal it will be. I don’t plan to show it to her, but I’m glad I have it. I don’t know how else to get out these feelings raging inside me.
“Go on. You two deserve a day off. You’ve been working seven days a week since we got here,” Peter, the US leader for the corporation, tells us. “Take the day and relax.”
“You sure?” Clayton asks.
“Positive. Go take the day to explore.”
“You up for a hike?” Clayton asks.
“I said relax,” Peter jokes.
“It’s not like there’s a local bar or a club we can hit up.” Clayton laughs.
“I’m in,” I tell them.
“Pack water,” Peter reminds us.
