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No disease.
Just a baby.
I drove to Jessup and bought a pregnancy test. No, that’s not right either. I bought one of every brand of pregnancy test that the pharmacy had on the shelf. They’re currently sitting in the pharmacy bag underneath my bathroom sink. I’ve yet to use them, and even though I know that I should, I also know that I don’t need to. My gut tells me that my self-diagnosis is correct.
I’m pregnant.
I’m pregnant, and my baby’s father is in another country. Not only that, but I ran out on him. If I thought my regret those first few weeks was heavy, it’s now sitting on my shoulders as if it were the weight of the world. I’ve screwed everything up, and to make matters worse, he’s gone for a year. That means I’m a single mom for a good few months and through this entire pregnancy. And what if he hates me? I’ll be a single mom for life.
As soon as I figured it out, I knew there was no question as to whether I would keep this baby. He or she is a part of me. And a part of Hudson. I place my hands against my belly. There’s a tiny little human living inside me. More tears fall as my heart swells with love for this little miracle.
“Mommy loves you,” I whisper. Regardless of anything else, this baby is everything. I know that I need to take the test, and I need to write Hudson a letter to let him know. It’s not exactly something you want to tell someone in a letter, but then again, it’s better. This way, I don’t have to see his hate or his anger at me or our new situation. Hudson is a good guy. One of the best I’ve ever known. He might not want me, but I know him. He’s going to want to be in his child’s life.
A knock sounds at the door. “Riley?” Raven’s soft voice greets me. “Are you okay in there?”
Pulling in one more slow, even breath, I plaster a smile on my face and open the door. “I’m good,” I assure her.
She studies me for several heartbeats, and I start to squirm. “We better get back to work.”
“Margaret’s gone, and neither of our next appointments has arrived yet.”
“Oh.”
“When were you going to tell me?” She crosses her arms over her chest and glares at me. That look reminds me so much of our mother, and another wave of crippling sadness washes over me. My baby will never know his or her grandparents. We lost them too young. We were eight when Dad passed in a farming accident. I don’t know the details. I was young, and honestly, back then, I didn’t want to know. All that I knew was that my daddy wasn’t ever coming home.
When we were nineteen, we lost our mom to a heart attack. It was sudden and devastating. My hands instinctively go to my belly.
“Riles,” Raven says with tears in her eyes. “You’re pregnant?”
I shrug and nod at the same time. “I don’t know for sure, but I think so.” I don’t have time to say anything else before my sister’s arms are wrapped around me in a fierce hug.
“Talk to me, sissy,” she whispers, and my heart cracks open.
I want to tell her everything, but something is holding me back. I can’t tell her what I did. I can’t tell her that I seduced her best friend when he was drunk at his going-away party, and now here I am six weeks later with a parting gift he left behind. I just can’t seem to make the words move past my lips.
“Do you need me to drive you to Jessup to tell him?”
My eyes widen, not from her offer but from her assumption that this is my random date’s baby. “No.” I shake my head. “I need to take a test and see what it says and make a doctor’s appointment. I don’t know for sure.”
“I’ll run out and buy a test.” She turns to do just that, but I call out to stop her.
“Raven!” She stops and turns to look at me over her shoulder. “I don’t need you to go buy a test. I have like twenty already at my place.”
“Why have you not taken them?”
I shrug. Not willing to give her my truth. Not yet. “I don’t know.”
“Well, after work, we’re going straight there, and you’re going to piss on a stick, and we’re going to face this together.” A slow smile lights up her face. “I’m going to be an aunt.”
“Probably,” I reply.
“I love you, little sister.” She takes a few steps toward me and hugs me tight. “I’ve got you. Us Burke girls have to stick together.” The bell over the door chimes, and she pulls away. “Take a few minutes to get yourself together. I’ll see you out there.”
