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Today is a rare day off, and Clayton and a few of the others went for a hike. I passed, stating I was going to catch up on sleep, but I can’t sleep. All I can do is stare at her. I packed an image of her, but it’s a group shot with all our gang, as Raven likes to refer to our group of friends. This one, this is different. It’s her, with Raven folded to the back. Her smile lights up her face, but I can see that she’s holding something back in her eyes.
It’s with that thought a light bulb hits me. She’s doing this all on her own. That bastard who got her pregnant left her. She’s going to be a single mom, at least from the intel I’ve gotten from Raven and Clayton, who also seems to be getting his information from Raven. The others write, but it’s always brief and nothing about what’s going on with anyone but them. Not Raven. She keeps us updated, so it’s as if we were there with them.
I miss home.
I miss my girl.
That’s exactly what she is. She’s mine. I don’t care that she’s a single mom. That baby is a piece of her that I will love just as much as I love her. I want to bring the light back to her eyes. I want to be the man she leans on in good times and bad. I have so much in my head, so many thoughts and emotions. I reach for my journal and begin to write.
Riley,
You’re beautiful. If I were there with you, that’s what I would tell you. You’re glowing. Pregnancy suits you. Yeah, I’ve seen you. Raven sent a picture of the two of you, and you take my breath away. I can’t stop staring at you.
My first thought was that the baby you’re carrying should have been mine. My second was that we should be going through this together, and my third, well, that’s the biggest revelation of them all.
He left you. I want to hurt him for that. I’ll leave the violence toward him in my head, but I need you to know that it’s there. I hate him for leaving you. What’s worse is I hate myself for leaving you too. I should have stayed and fought. I can’t help but think that if I had stayed like I had decided on our night together, you might be carrying my child.
Anyway, back to my revelation. Your baby boy, he’s a part of you, and there is not a single part of you that I don’t love, Riley Burke. Since the day I stepped on that plane, my plan was to fight for you, to fight for us the minute I got home. When I found out you were pregnant, I struggled with how to make you mine, and lying here in my bed, it hit me.
I’m still going to fight.
Only this time, I’m going to fight for you and for your son. Is it weird that I feel like there is a piece of me that’s already his, just because he’s yours? Yeah, it sounds crazy to me too. I wish I could describe how I feel staring at your rounded belly. I guess I can try. I feel… protective, awed, lustful, proud, and most of all love.
For both of you.
I want you.
I want him.
I want us to be a family.
I’ll be home soon, Riles, and I won’t stop until we’re a family of three. Well, we’ll start with three and see where we end up.
All my love,
Hudson
Closing the journal, I fall back onto the pillow and close my eyes. I’m stunned by my own words, but I feel them deep in my gut. I want them both. I know that I can love them both better than anyone else could even attempt.
“Thanks, Mom,” I say with a slight chuckle. When she gave me this journal, I thought she’d lost her damn mind, but it turned out to be therapeutic. At least for now. When I’m away from her, I never would have believed that writing all the things I want to say to her would give me so much clarity.
Reaching for the picture that has fallen on the bed, I commit it to memory. I know that I have my work cut out for me. She ran from me, which was going to be a feat in itself, and now she has a son to think about. I know that single moms are hesitant to let men get close to their children for fear of them getting their hearts broken. I’ll have to work double time to show her that I’ll love them both without restriction for as long as there is breath in my lungs.
“Hey, Hudson.” Maria sits next to me where I’m leaning against a tree eating my lunch.
