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I think back to the first moment I ran into Jack when he was freshly with Susie, and it gives me a stab of pain, even now.
Ant’s one step ahead of me.
“I thought better of the two of you. Gerwyn lost Jo because she cheated on him, you lost Jack because he cheated on you. Both of you have been betrayed and abandoned by cheating pieces of shit. So why the fuck would you do the same to me?”
“We wouldn’t,” is all I can say.
“You fucking did.”
I shrug, because I don’t know what else to do. I can barely speak because I have more tears coming, and I’m so fucked up with guilt, and shame, and panic that I’m shaking in front of him.
I feel like every scrap of self-worth has shrivelled to nothing in my stomach.
Two pitiful words come again.
“I’m sorry.”
Maybe they will be a mantra for the rest of my life with him, if there is one. It’s a card he’ll always be able to pull. Me going upstairs with his best friend, whether he offered it on a plate for us, or not. That won’t matter. I still wanted to have sex with Gerwyn. I still said yes and got into bed with him.
Watching Ant pouring another shot of vodka makes me flinch. He raises a toast when he’s done.
“Thanks for this, Cass. I was happily done with alcohol before you two pissed on my parade.”
“I’m sorry,” I say yet again, wishing I could magic the bottle away from him. I need to get some strength from somewhere, so I suck in a breath.
“Where do we go from here? Can you forgive me? What do I need to do to make it right? Please, Ant. Give me a chance.”
“Is that what you really want? Me over him?”
The choice hurts, even though it’s a ridiculous one. Ant is the man I’m going to marry. There can only be one answer.
“Yes. You’re the man I adore. More than anything, and how the fuck couldn’t I? You’re incredible. Everything I ever dreamt of. I love you, and my family love you, and my friends love you, all for a reason. Because you’re great, and you’re great for me.”
He’s filling his vodka glass again, so I carry on talking.
“Ant, you’ve done more for me than words could ever say. I’m so happy with you, I really am flying high and so in love.”
“Funny fucking way of showing it. Having my best friend eat your cunt while you moan for him like he’s some fantasy fucking hero. He was slavering over you like a desperate little boy licking a lollipop.”
His words make me feel ill in this context. The sneer on his face makes me feel like a pathetic little slut gone wrong.
I pull myself together as best as I can. “What do you want me to do to put this right? Please. I’ll do anything.”
He downs the vodka and I can feel his brain whirring.
“Anything, Cass? Is that right?”
“Yes,” I insist. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right again, I swear. The last thing I ever want to do is take this ring off my finger.”
He puts the empty glass down, folds his arms and leans back against the fridge.
“You’re going to have to make it up to me. I don’t trust you anymore. I don’t trust that you truly love me. I don’t trust that you wouldn’t do it again, and I don’t trust Gerwyn was ever going to be just a friend to you. You’re going to have to do a lot better than that from here on in. No friends for you, no outings for you, no anything for you, not until I’m sure you’re trustworthy.”
“Ok, sure. Whatever you need.”
He shrugs, and I see his control coming back. Brain whirring some more.
“Don’t expect me to forgive you easily, because I won’t. You were the only two people I loved. The only two people I trusted. The two people I wanted in my life. You both had all of my respect, every single bit of it. I’d never have done either of you wrong.” He sighs. “I thought more of you, Cass. Even more than I thought of Gerwyn. I thought you were a goddess who deserved everything I could give. Your parents are so proud of you, and everyone I met claimed you loved me, and you deserved all the love I was giving you back. None of them struck me as liars.”
“They aren’t!”
“You fooled them too, then?”
“No!”
“What the fuck did you want to happen on the back of this crazy night anyway? Did you hope that maybe I’d join in upstairs and stick my cock in his ass and we could all live a happy ever after?”
The thought brings me out in a flush, and he must see it. He laughs.
