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CHAPTERNINE
DÉSIRÉE
Fear lances through my body before I even open my eyes.
I knew it was too good to be true. It all was a dream.
I hear deep breathing right by my ear, and I wait for the pain to come. After a few seconds and nothing happens, I move my fingers to try and figure out what Dimitri has me on. My fingers slide against soft fabric. The smell of clean linen hits my nose again, and my head is on a pillow. I open my eyes slightly, and the same room I was in before appears in front of my eyes. I blink a few times just to make sure, when it doesn’t turn into that godforsaken room Dimitri had me in, I focus on my surroundings.
My heart starts beating faster when I realize there is still someone next to me, but the person isn’t moving. I don’t move too fast just in case something happens, but I need to figure out who’s here. I turn my head, and it lands on one of the most ruggedly beautiful faces I’ve ever seen. All of my apprehension and fear just bleeds out of my system.
Malcolm’s lying here with me. A wave of pure joy washes over me when I take in every part of his face that I’ve missed since I’ve been with Dimitri. He has the start of a beard on his face making me think it’s been a few days since he’s had a shave. His hair is still cut down to a buzzcut. There is a deep wrinkle between his eyebrows that wasn’t there before, but besides that, he looks so at peace in his sleep. I turn to the other side and realize that he’s sleeping on the outside of the bed, and I’m against the wall. He’s basically trapped me in the bed. The logical part of me knows that I should feel panicked to be in this situation, but when I turn back to look at Malcolm, all I feel is safety. Being in Malcolm’s arms settles my heart rate, and I breathe easy knowing he’s protecting me. He’s giving me a security I didn’t even know I needed. I’d be surprised if he knew it.
I examine his face and see it’s still relaxed in his sleep. I take a chance and move closer to him. When he doesn’t move, I move a little closer until I can get my head on his chest, and I’m curled up into his side. I pull the blanket up, so it’s covering him too, and I try to go back to sleep, but my mind is racing with everything I want to say to him. This is the first time I’ve felt truly safe in so long, and the emotion is overwhelming me. The pressure in my chest feels like it might explode if I don’t say what’s on my mind. If I don’t tell him how I feel about him.
I know he doesn’t feel the same way about me. He’s always taken my schoolgirl crush as just that. A crush. Over the years, my feelings for Malcolm have grown, and although everyone seems to think I’ll grow out of it deep inside, I know I won’t. Even when I was entertaining the idea of being with Gaylord, I knew if Malcolm even hinted he wanted to be with me, I would’ve left Gaylord in an instant.
Still, even if Malcolm suddenly does believe my feelings for him are real, I know he’ll never be able to look at me as anything more than the woman he had to rescue. I’ll always be appreciative, but I hate knowing that we’ll never be anything more.
I look up into his face and see that he’s still sleeping peacefully. This may be my only chance to tell him everything I’m thinking about. I take a steadying breath and lean my forehead against his chest. I keep my voice whisper-soft, so I don’t wake him up.
“Malcolm, I’m so scared. Scared that I’m going to move on in life and never be able to fully get over what happened to me. I’m scared that you’re never going to be able to see past what happened to me. My feelings for you haven’t gone away. The way I need you and want you are still there but now attached to it are these feelings of embarrassment and shame. How could you ever see me as anything more than just the woman you had to save. You’ll only see me as the damaged little girl now. I wish I could just tell you all of this when you’re awake, but just like everything else, I’m too much of a chicken to do it.”
Hot tears spill out of my eyes and burn down my cheeks. I take in deep breaths, but the more I talk to Malcolm’s sleeping form, the more emotional I get until I have to squeeze the muscles in my body to keep from full-on sobbing. I hiccup against Malcolm’s side and bury my face deeper into his body.
“I don’t know how to do this, Malcolm. I’m not strong enough. I don’t want you to see me as this broken mess. I don’t want it to be like this.” I cry harder still, and I almost don’t recognize when his hand moves on my back. If he’s rubbing my back, how can he be asleep?
I hold my breath and focus on the way he’s touching me and the way my body reacts to him, “Malcolm?” I call out for him softly to see if he’ll answer. I’m going to be so damn embarrassed.
“I’ll never see you as a damaged or broken little girl. You’re not that. I’m always going to be here. No matter what’s going on, you’re always going to have me. Get some rest,mon trésor.”
I’m so shocked by his words. Shocked and confused. What does he mean by I’m always going to have him? Does he mean as a friend? As someone who is going to come to my rescue? I don’t bother to question him. If he’s going to let me go back to sleep without asking for more information, I’m not going to complain.
I pull the cover-up to my neck and do my best to get comfortable in his grasp, but it feels like I can’t get close enough. I shift a few times, and it’s almost like Malcolm is in tune with my needs because without asking, he turns on his side and pulls me even closer. He wraps his arms around me and lets me slip one of my legs in between his.
His arms feel like a weighted blanket, and slowly along with the steady beating of his heart, I’m lulled back to sleep. I don’t know any dream that’s more perfect than this.
