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“I did the same thing,” Kaely said, her expression serious. “But then it was taken away from me. I lost everything I cared about. I ... I’ve never admitted this to anyone before, but I considered suicide. I really didn’t know who I was, or even why I was alive.”
“But now you’re back in the BAU, so you’ve found yourself again.”
Kaely shook her head. “No, Alex. I did find myself, but it was before I got here. It was even before I ended up in St. Louis. I reached out to the only Person who could show me who I was truly meant to be. I found God. Without Him, I have no idea where I’d be right now. You see, positions, success, praise from people—none of that lasts. If you judge yourself by human standards, you’ll fail. The only way to truly know yourself is to know the One who created you. Without Him, we’ll never find our way. No matter what happens, nothing will ever rob me of my identity again. And even though now I can actually give myself to another human being, which was impossible for a long time, I will never see myself just through Noah’s eyes. I’ve learned to see myself through God’s eyes. Do you understand?”
“I think so.... But the dream?”
“You’re not chasing me, Alex. You’re chasing yourself. You’re not sure who you are. You’re afraid of things because you’re trying to retain control of your life. The fear of germs, keeping your distance from people, these are the tools you use to protect your heart.”
“But when I cried out to God...”
Kaely smiled. “The light came. Inside, you know all this. You’re just afraid to embrace it. To put everything you are into God’s hands. To trust Him completely with your life.”
Alex had clenched her hands into fists before she even realized it. “No one has ever proved trustworthy. My parents. My so-called friends. No one.”
“Have you ever had a close friend try to kill you?”
“Uh, yeah.”
Kaely’s eyebrows shot up, and for some reason, it made Alex laugh.
Kaely broke out in laughter too. “I didn’t expect that response. Boy, we certainly have a lot in common—and very interesting lives.”
“I guess that would be a fair assumption. Wow.” Alex wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry. You were making a point?”
“My point is this,” Kaely said. “You’re stuck at a place called There.”
“There?”
“Yeah, there. You see, I could have camped out at the discovery of who my father really was. And how my mother acted. Or even at the friend who betrayed me. I could have stayed There at that point in my life. But I don’t want to live tied to events from my past. I want to live here. I want to keep following God, becoming the person He created me to be. But I can’t do that if I stay There.”
Tears filled Alex’s eyes. “But what if you don’t know how to get here? What if you’re really stuck at There?”
Kaely came over to where Alex sat on the edge of her bed. She joined her and reached for her hand. “Alex, you are so special. You’re strong. Strong enough to make it through circumstances that would have stopped most people cold. You’re talented, and you’re compassionate. Many people who closely guard their hearts don’t have any way to offer love to others. I saw how you reacted to Chunhua’s death. You’ve managed to hold on to your compassion. But unless you find a way to move on, you’ll never be able to give yourself to another person. Get married. Have children. Enjoy the life God gave you.”
“I don’t want marriage and children.”
Kaely shrugged. “Hey, not judging. If you don’t feel called to be a wife or mother, that’s between you and God. But if you’re ruling it out because you’re afraid...”
“Then I’m camped out at There, and I can’t go forward.”
Kaely nodded. “The hardest part of leaving There? Forgiving. You have to forgive your father for taking off. Forgive your mother for taking her life and leaving you behind. And forgive your aunt for not being who you needed her to be.”
Kaely took a deep breath. “The toughest person I had to forgive? Me. I made so many mistakes because of the past. Because I let it shape me. But the longer I’ve known God, the freer I’ve become. I don’t want to live There anymore. I have too much to look forward to. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “‘I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
Alex wiped tears from her cheeks. “Logan told me about that Scripture, but I hadn’t really applied it to me.”
“Maybe it’s time.”
“Maybe it is.” Alex gave Kaely a hug. “Thank you. I guess I need to stop chasing myself and stand still and let God lead me.” She sighed. “I’m afraid trusting Him might not be easy for me.”
“The funny thing is you’ll find it’s easier than you expected. He has a way of healing us on the inside. I’ve always said that one of the ways the world should be able to see that Christianity is real is to watch the way it changes people. We can’t change ourselves. False religions or self-help gurus can’t change hearts. Only Jesus Christ can create a brand-new human being.”
“Thanks,” Alex said. “Really. I won’t forget what you said.”
Kaely went to her own bed. “Actually, you probably will. It’s a process. I fell down so many times on my way to learning this lesson. I can’t say I’m perfect at it, but at least I’m headed in the right direction. And I’m more at peace. I know I’m not alone.” She laughed lightly. “I’m so stubborn. No matter how many times I’ve blown it, I just don’t give up. I never will.”
“I’m glad you have Noah.”
Kaely smiled broadly. “I am too. And I’m grateful I was finally able to open my heart to another person. But I want to be strong on my own. So confident in the Lord that if tomorrow Noah said he didn’t want anything more to do with me, I’d be okay. I don’t need him to keep me grounded. I have God.”
Alex thought about what she’d said. She didn’t have a fiancé, so she couldn’t really relate to that, but she knew it was hard to lose someone you loved. She thought about Monty. He’d lost his grandmother, but he had to go on. She’d lost her parents. Now she needed to rely on God to heal her heart and the empty places inside.
“First shower?” Kaely asked, pulling Alex out of her musings.
Alex shook her head. “Go ahead. I’ll probably take mine in the morning.”
After Kaely stepped into the bathroom, Alex changed into her sweats and T-shirt. Then she turned down the lights and got into bed. She turned toward the window and watched the snow falling while she thought about everything Kaely said. Finally, she closed her eyes and silently asked God to help her leave her past behind and find the life He had for her.
Within minutes, she was drifting off to sleep.
