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16
Logan stood by the front window, holding the blinds back just enough to see Alex get into her car. She sat there for a while, her car running but not moving. Finally, she pulled out of the parking lot.
He wanted to call her back. Desperately wanted her to stay with him. Talk to him. But he had to deal with this by himself.
He returned to the couch, where he’d been sitting ever since he’d arrived home. The doctor’s words reverberated in his mind over and over.
“We found a brain tumor,” he’d said. “It’s what’s been causing your symptoms. Besides the headaches, you may experience dizziness, instability, problems with your eyesight and memory.” He’d paused and stared at Logan for a while, as if making sure he understood.
Logan had felt as if his mind was frozen. He couldn’t quite process the doctor’s words. This couldn’t be right. Surely he was mistaken. But by the expression on his face, Logan knew he wasn’t.
Then Dr. Morton said, “It has to come out, Logan. At this point I don’t want to hazard a guess as to whether it’s benign ... or not. Let’s wait until we know for certain. I’ve already run the scans past a surgeon who says she’s fairly confident she can get it all out—if you move right away. We have no idea how fast it’s growing, but the suddenness of your symptoms concerns me. You should have had that MRI last week. I’m sorry my staff dropped the ball. We can get you into surgery on Wednesday but only because the surgeon had a ... cancellation. Please don’t put this off. Dr. Schmeidler’s one of the best with these kinds of cases.”
Had a cancellation?Logan could tell by the doctor’s body language that the cancellation hadn’t come about because someone was mysteriously healed and flew off to the Caribbean for an impromptu vacation.
Logan started to breathe quickly and realized he was having a panic attack. He’d only had one other in his entire life—when he’d heard that an evil man had kidnapped Alex with the intention of killing her. He struggled to get his breathing under control, but he finally did, although it took a while.
He suddenly realized that he hadn’t prayed since he’d talked to the doctor. Why was his first reaction to panic? Shouldn’t he have cried out to God first?
“I’m sorry, Lord,” he choked out. “I always thought I’d be stronger if I heard something like this. To be honest, I never really thought I would. I don’t know why.” He took a big gulp of air and tried to calm down. “I ... I’ve told people facing tough things that they need to release their problems to you. Sometimes it helps, and other times it seems as if they don’t want anyone telling them what they should do. Several said they just wanted someone to listen to them. God, forgive me, but I think I’ve seen that as unbelief. I was wrong. Right now I wish Alex was here and I could talk to her. Just lean on her. Have someone with me who cares. But the truth is she’s still dealing with what happened to her. How can I ask her to walk me through this? Wouldn’t that be selfish?”
He took another deep breath, trying to push away the temptation to panic again. Maybe he didn’t have a person here to talk to, but he did have God.
Logan picked up his Bible and opened it. The pages seemed to turn themselves. When they stopped, he found himself looking at 1 Peter 5:6–7. Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God ... casting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares about you [with deepest affection, and watches over you very carefully].
Logan liked the way the Amplified Bible shared this Scripture. He read it several more times, then prayed again. “So I humble myself by giving all my problems to you, God. All my anxieties, all my worries, and all my concerns because I’m ... I’m not you. My shoulders aren’t big enough, but yours are. Help me do this right. I know I can’t get through it without your strength.”
Logan put the Bible back on his coffee table and did something he rarely did.
He cried.
When Alex got home, she let Krypto out right away. The rain was down to a light sprinkle, which he completely ignored. He ran into the backyard with enthusiastic fervor. He loved being outside. During the week, her neighbor Shirley let him out around noon, and when her kids came home from school, they took him for a walk. They loved the big white dog, and he adored them too.
After sniffing almost every inch of the backyard as if there had been a circus performing there that day, he finally did his business and came running back to Alex. They sat together on the steps of the covered porch for a while, Krypto’s wet head in her lap, the rain continuing to fall. Alex loved spring—the scent of the burgeoning flowers, the leaves sprouting on the trees, the fragrance of new growth carried on light breezes. And now the scent of rain in the air.
She stroked Krypto’s large head and told him how much she loved him. Alex knew they’d have to say good-bye someday, but she couldn’t deal with that now. Still, it was like a little bug wiggling around in her brain, trying to get her attention. Trying to get her to face something beyond her ability to comprehend.
“Let’s get you something to eat,” she finally said.
Krypto jumped to his feet and wagged his tail so fast it was almost invisible. As much as he loved the outside, he was even more excited about food. If Alex let him, he would eat 24/7. She was pretty sure that was because his previous owners hadn’t fed him much. He’d been extremely abused and was so broken by the time he was dumped at a local shelter that the staff there planned to put him down. But Alex recognized the look in his eyes. She’d seen it in the mirror when she was younger, and she decided she would save him the way she’d been saved.
She went to the shelter every day, talking to him, sitting near him, until one day he rose from the corner where he cowered almost all day. He walked over and put his head on her leg. The staff was amazed. A day later, Krypto was home. It took a while, but he became a changed dog. No trace of the pain he’d endured. Clear proof of what love could do.
Alex smiled to herself as she watched him devour his food. Krypto and Alex had changed together. Her love had changed him, and God’s love had changed her. The Lord had done so much for her. Why was she having such a struggle with what happened in that warehouse? It was as if she were saying God’s power wasn’t enough to completely heal her, and she knew that wasn’t true.
She suddenly remembered a chance encounter not long after she’d finished with the psychologist the Bureau had arranged for her. It was with the assistant pastor at the church she, Logan, and Monty attended—Pastor Bryant. She hadn’t planned it. She’d gone by the church to pick up the Bible she’d left behind on a Sunday morning and ran into him. She wasn’t sure why he invited her to have a cup of coffee with him in his office, but she found herself sitting across from him, suddenly wanting to talk. He’d waited quietly as if he knew she needed to talk. After telling him what she was going through, he nodded.
“God has heard your prayers, Alex, and He’s healing you,” he’d said. “But you must remember that just like a physical injury needs time to get better, our internal hurts may need time as well. Wounds need air to heal. Hiding your feelings won’t help you. Air them out. Come and talk to me anytime you want. That’s why I’m here.”
He’d leaned forward then and earnestly gazed at her. “Alex, the devil wants to make you feel guilty, as if you’re weak in faith, letting God down somehow. But God doesn’t see it that way. Yes, He wants you to have faith, but it won’t come through guilt. It comes through learning to trust Him and allowing Him to do His work in you in His way and in His timing. Just like you must get to know someone before you can trust them, time with God will build the kind of relationship you need right now. Read the Bible every day and let God speak to you. You and God have to navigate this together. Learning to do that will make you stronger. And the next time something happens, you’ll have more confidence in His ability to meet you where you are and get you where you need to be.”
He’d smiled at her. “Believe me, God knows exactly how you feel, and He’s capable of handling it. You’re not a disappointment. He loves you unconditionally. He wants to help you, not make you feel ashamed.”
As she ran Pastor Bryant’s words through her mind, she was comforted. How could she have forgotten about that meeting? Although his comments had been more God-centered, they echoed some of the same things the therapist had said. She sighed. Time for her to listen now.
She made a sandwich, poured some tea, and sat down on the couch. As she ate, she read her New King James Bible, stopping when she reached 1Peter, chapter 5, verses 6 and7: Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. It was as if the words were burning like fire in her heart, and she had to blink away tears. She read on to verse 8: Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.
It was exactly as Pastor Bryant said. She’d been feeling ashamed of her weak faith, but that was what the devil wanted. She’d been playing right into his hands.
