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Winter
Shards of ice piercing through my body…
That’s what the cold water feels like when the ice beneath my feet breaks, and I fall through it.
I panic as soon as my body hits the water, and it’s colder than anything I’ve ever felt. I can’t swim, and no one is around to help me. My fear of drowning skyrockets.
I frantically kick my feet, hoping to propel my body back up to the surface, but it’s no use. My coat is soaked and heavy on my body so I keep sinking to the bottom.
After all the shit I’ve been through in the last few months, I’ve thought about dying. But when I thought about it, this isn’t how I thought it’d go. Seeing as I still can’t swim and the water terrifies me, I’m not sure how I’m going to get out of this pickle that I’ve found myself in.
In all honesty, whenever I thought about dying, I thought Mason would be the one to finish me off, not some random weirdo that I don’t even know. I’m not being dramatic when it comes to Mason because I wouldn’t put anything past him. He’s not the man I used to know. He’s more…
For the millionth time, beginning since my return to Ravenwood, my life flashes before my eyes. My world is constantly being flipped upside down and I’m finding it difficult to keep up with everything going on. It’s just all-around chaos.
Just trying to get through each day has been a struggle and I admit that I’ve been floundering, trying to keep my head above water. Now, that thought is literal. If there ever was a time for irony, this would be it.
Somebody really should give me the world record for being the person with the worst luck. It’s just been one thing after the next and it just got worse when I got back home.
Home…
No. It isn’t home anymore. Maybe it never was, and I was just deluding myself into thinking so. Ravenwood is the one place where I’ve felt the most pain in my life and your home, the place where you should feel like you belong the most, shouldn’t hurt like mine does.
The people in Ravenwood either hate me or they envy me. The only person who ever loved me unconditionally is six feet under, leaving me all alone in this cold and brutal world. I never realized how much he sheltered me from the nastiness of the world until now, until I didn’t have his protection anymore.
It feels as though I’m bleeding every single day. My life and soul, and any happiness I thought I could have, are slowly bleeding out of me and it’s only a matter of time before I have nothing left.
There are days when the voices in my head are so loud it’s a wonder I haven’t succumbed to their murmurings yet. Half the time, they tell me if I die, it’ll be the best thing for everyone and the other half, they whisper in my head, asking me how long I think I’ll be able to stay strong enough to fight them off.
Plus, I have too many enemies…
Some are known and some are not. Meanwhile, I’m on the edge of this precipice, trying to figure out which direction to go to survive.
I don’t know if God exists, but at this moment, I send up a small prayer, begging to make it out of this alive.
It took the few seconds before falling into the water to realize that I’m worth being here, even if there are people who hate my existence. The only individual who matters is the one person who is glad I’m still here, and that’s me. I can only rely on myself, and I will not die at the hands of some stupid goon.
The man who was about to kidnap me said he was working for someone else, though I don’t know if that was a fake name or not. Bad things are always happening to me when the guys are around. I don’t know if it’s just a coincidence or if they’re the ones responsible and the man just said someone else’s name to hide that fact. Argh! This is all just so confusing.
The guys could’ve been the ones to hire him to take me out, though they don’t want me dead that bad, do they? Mason wouldn’t stoop so low, would he?
I really have no idea who to trust anymore. After what they did to me in Mason’s room, I guess I wouldn’t put anything past them anymore. I won’t get any answers if I don’t find a way to get myself out of here.
Water is filling my mouth and I know soon my lungs will be filled as well. My body is getting heavier and weaker by the second.
I know it’s because of the wound on my stomach; it’s making me get weak faster and all the energy I’m exerting isn’t helping matters either.
When the hell will my life stop being such a train wreck? Where the hell are those assholes when you need them? They should’ve been able to hear the gunshots, right? They’re always showing up when I don’t want them to, like on this trip, but not when I actually need them to.
I was supposed to start swimming lessons after Mason shoved me into the pool last time… but I never got around to that.
At this point, just fuck my life!
“This isn’t over, bitch! We’ll be back for you… you’ll never be safe,” was the last thing I heard that man yell after me, just before I fell into the water.
It’s crazy how all these thoughts are running through my head so fast but yet it feels like they’re going in slow motion. In reality, I just fell in here.
I try to take my coat off, but it’s zipped all the way up and my fingers are too frozen and numb to attempt to get it off.
I let out a scream, but all I get is another mouthful of freezing lake water in my mouth. My body is so cold, it’s penetrating my system and I’m shivering uncontrollably in the water. Drowning has always been one of my worst fears, and it’s happening. All I can think about is how much I don’t want to die in a watery grave.
I don’t think anyone will find me in time at this rate, but I’m still hoping that they do. My lungs are now on fire from filling with water and my brain is beginning to feel muddled. Everything feels like it’s lagging at a turtle’s pace, and that is making me feel worse.
I’m fading away and losing consciousness. When it finally feels like I don’t have the capacity to do anything more, like fight or struggle to get back up to the surface, I stop.
Hopelessness fills me and I just let myself sink further down. What’s the point of even trying anymore?
