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“Why?”
I’m genuinely curious. Why now?
And then I remember the photographs. The pictures of me with Jonathan’s arm around my waist. He must have heard about them. Or seen them. I feel a slight thrill imagining his reaction. I’m clearly childish.
He cocks his head, studying me. There’s not much to see. Or at least not much that interested him. He had me to himself for eight years and decided he wanted something else. “Grace, I made a mistake. Is that what you want to hear? I made a fucking mistake and I’m so damn sorry.”
My brain can’t compute what he’s saying.
He’s sorry. He made a mistake.
“How does one make a mistake of slipping their penis into a woman who isn’t their wife? Seriously, explain that to me. Is it like you fell and tripped into her?”
Steven’s eyes narrow. “Don’t be crude.”
I laugh loudly. Bitterly. “Crude? I’m sorry. Did you or did you not fuck someone else?”
“Well, it looks like you’ve done the same thing, Grace. And I’m willing to look past it and work on our marriage. We’ve both had our kicks. Gotten it out of our system. Now we can settle down, have kids, and move past all this.”
I put my face in my hands; I’m at a complete loss over this conversation. I can’t even respond. Quite frankly,I don’t want to. I don’t owe him an explanation and yet I want to set the record straight.
I have slept with someone, and it’s not Hanson, and it was the best sex of my life. The best orgasm of my life. I’d love to rub that in my ex’s face because unlike him I waited until after he kicked me out of our bed.He did it while I was still at home sleeping in it.
But obviously I am not going to admit to that.
“Get out,” I whisper, not bothering to look up.
As I hear him shuffle out of the chair, my shoulders relax, believing he’s finally listening to me. Until I feel him beside me, on his knees, pulling my chair in his direction and placing his head in my lap. “Grace, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. This is why I wanted to take you to dinner. To apologize. To talk. To do this right. My temper…I just…fuck, Grace, I’m trying here.”
I look down at him with little emotion. A month ago I would have hoped for this situation. I mean who wouldn’t want their cheating husband to grovel? But in that time I’ve come to realize that he did me a favor. I don’t want this. I don’t want him. And at least he had the balls to realize that we didn’t have what it takes for a happy marriage.
I shake my head and run my hands over his hair, pushing his head off me. Steven looks up at me hopefully, as if he thinks I’m touching him for my own pleasure and not just to remove him from my lap.
“You were right before,” I say. He smiles. “No, before, before. Last month when you said we didn’t make each other happy. You were right. I’m happier without you. And I’m sorry if that hurts, but you were right.”
Steven eyes me with disgust and stands up. “Is this because of him? Because of Jonathan? Are you with him now?”
I roll my eyes. “No, Steven, it’s because you and I weren’t good together. I’m with no one. I’m learning to stand on my own two feet and spending time by myself.”
He scoffs. “That’s not what the pictures look like.”
Breathing out my annoyance, I shrug. “Believe what you want. I ran into Jonathan with a client. But yes, I’ll probably go out with Jonathan. And other men. Because we aren’t together. And I will let Marion know that. I shouldn’t have tried to hide our divorce. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We just didn’t…work.”
It feels good finally admitting it to myself. Letting myself off the hook for having a failed marriage. Acknowledging that his affair may have ended us, but it wasn’t what broke us. We weren’t right to begin with and that’s okay.
Steven eyes me and then reaches out, pushing my hair out of my face, a thing he used to do when we were dating. The nostalgia pulls at me, but only a little. “I really am sorry, Grace.”
I smile sadly. “I know. And I appreciate it. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry too. I wasn’t a great wife, and I can see that now. But I think it’s because I knew something was missing. I’m just happy we realized it now, before…” I don’t finish the sentence as we both know what I mean.
Before we brought kids into this. I’m so utterly grateful that we didn’t do that.
“After I talk to Marion, I’ll reach out to an attorney and we can get the process started,” I offer.
He shakes his head. “I know you say we’re done. And that you’re happier. But can we just pause on the divorce? I…” He hesitates, and I wonder what he’s thinking.“It’s a big deal, Grace; one we can’t undo. I just want to make sure we approach this the right way. Take your time, stand on your own two feet, and make sure this is what you want.”
I shake my head, knowing what I want, but his pleading eyes give me pause. Really, what does it hurt holding off on signing? I’m sure the entire process will take a while anyway.
I give him a curt nod. “Fine. I’ll be in touch.”
