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I didn’t know why those words made me suddenly emotional. I glanced to the blanket-covered lump that was Bee’s body and swallowed a wave of emotion. Bee didn’t know he’d been beaten. It was his hope that he could still have things the way he’d wanted them that had done him in.
“Are you coming?” Jace asked. I hadn’t noticed them walk several yards on ahead.
I thought about it, then shook my head. “In a minute. I have to say goodbye first.”
Jace nodded, but as he walked off, I heard him mutter to Jorgen and Hati, “Why do people always feel the need to explain themselves to corpses.”
I almost laughed. Why indeed?
Whatever the reason, I moved to the lump that was Bee and knelt beside him. I took a deep breath and steeled my courage before pulling the blanket back from his head.
He didn’t look much different than he had that morning, when he was still alive. Jorgen had cut his throat deeply, but very little blood had spattered on his face. Someone had closed his eyes, and if I concentrated hard enough, I could almost have believed he was asleep.
I could almost have believed he was the boy I’d experienced so much with all those years ago.
“I’m sorry it had to come to this, Bee,” I said, sinking until I sat beside him.
We’d sat beside each other in the grass so many times before, sharing our thoughts and our hopes and dreams for the future. It struck me then, of all moments, that we’d never talked about making a future together. We’d fooled around, but neither of us had thought anything like that would even be possible back in those days.
“I will take good care of Premila and your son,” I told him. “And the other child, if it makes it to this world. I…I will raise them as my own.”
I paused and swallowed as strong emotion welled up in me. “I don’t know what I’ll tell them about you,” I said. “I think I’ll make something up. I’ll tell them that you died in battle, defending your home and your loved ones, just like Maldurik.”
I didn’t know why Maldurik rushed to my thoughts at that moment, but he did. With memories of him flashing through me, I started to cry. The only two significant lovers I’d had before Avenel were dead now.
“I’ll tell them about the good days we had together,” I went on, sniffling wetly, then wiping my face with the back of my sleeve. “I’ll tell them about how we laughed and had our adventures. I’ll tell them about how you liked to eat honey straight from the comb, about how you won that archery competition when we were twelve, and about the night we climbed over the fence into Lord Fineas’s pasture and drank milk straight from his cows.”
I laughed at that memory. We’d been fourteen and full of ourselves. Lord Fineas guarded his cows so zealously that we used to joke that he fucked them when no one was looking. For all I knew, he did.
I lost my smile and sighed, resting a hand on the blanket over his chest. “I won’t tell them about how you treated Premila,” I said. “That’s for her to tell, if she ever wants to. I won’t tell them that this new world, after the Dying Winter, was too much for you. I’ll say that you tried, that you honestly tried to adapt to the new way of things, and that you died defending what you loved.”
It was the best I could do. My friends would probably say I was being generous with Bee’s memory. But I didn’t want his children to grow up thinking their natural father was an embittered man who turned to violence when to deal with his disappointment. I wouldn’t even tell them about Bee at all until they were ready to know him, and even then, I would wait until Premila wanted them to know the truth.
“Goodbye, old friend,” I said at last, sniffling and wiping my face one last time. “May your next life be happier than this one.” I shifted to kneel again, pulling the blanket up to cover him once more. “I’m sure I’ll see you there someday,” I said. “Don’t wait for me if you find someone on that side who makes you happy.”
Part of me wanted to kiss him one last time, but the thing that lay in front of me wasn’t Bee anymore. It was only the flawed vessel that had once held my friend.
I covered him, then stood. I gave myself a few minutes to just breathe and look up at the nearby tree that gave the spot where Bee would rest some shade. I thought I could make out some rose bushes not that far away as well, which meant there would be something beautiful in that spot come spring. I wondered if I would be back to see those roses bloom.
That thought brought me too close to tears again, so I turned away and marched across the gardens until I was back at my own cottage. Avenel was in the garden with the other pups again, stacking the last of the dishes into the baskets the food had been delivered in. The moment he saw me, he rushed to throw his arms around me.
“I’m alright,” I said in answer to his silent question as he rested his head against my shoulder. “I’ll be alright now.”
We stood like that for a few more minutes, but I knew I needed to face just a little more music before I could take some time to just sit somewhere and hold Avenel.
Sure enough, as soon as I walked back into the cottage, Sai stood from where he’d been sitting with Magnus.
“You’re leaving too?” he asked me, looking bereft at the idea.
I glanced to Magnus for a moment, then back to Sai. “I have personal matters I need to take care of in Gravlock,” I said, not really wanting to elaborate. I was beginning to feel like I didn’t need to elaborate. I was a man, a powerful one, which meant I didn’t need to explain my decisions. “If you are amenable to it, since Magnus and I just discussed the matter, I’d like to return in the spring to resume my duties as ambassador.”
Sai looked so relieved I almost laughed. “Yes,” he said on a heavy breath. “I would very much like that.”
His grateful acceptance of my request was a huge relief. I smiled and felt positive about the future for what felt like the first time in ages.
“I’m glad,” I said, letting out a breath and hugging Avenel. “By then I’m certain I will have learned more about what it takes to be an effective ambassador.” I glanced to Magnus.
“You are already one of the most capable ambassadors I have ever met,” Magnus said, smiling at me with pride. I expected him to add something along the lines of, “Which isn’t saying much, considering the ambassadors I’ve know,” but he didn’t. He meant his compliment genuinely.
