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I crawl up beside him, snuggling in the crook of his arm and his fingertips lazily drift across my shoulder as mine caress his chest. ‘Makes a difference when we don’t have to be quiet, huh?’ I ask.
His chest shakes with laughter. ‘I hadn’t really thought about it, but yeah.’ He kisses the top of my head. ‘So, still wanna go for that run?’
‘Nope.’
‘Really?’
‘Why don’t we just stay here all morning?’ I look up at him, catching the surprised expression on his face.
‘We haven’t done that in a while.’
I think back over the past few months and try to remember the last time we stayed in bed all morning, talking and making love. I have a vague memory of a rainy Sunday, but it was too long ago to remember the specifics. ‘Then we’re overdue.’
His expression shifts. ‘I love you, Sarah,’ he says, a shallow crease forming between his brows.
The emotional heft of his words bring tears to my eyes. ‘I love you, too, Josh.’
He studies my face for a sec. ‘So, you’re not … you’re not having doubts?’
What?!I prop myself up on my elbow. ‘What do you mean? Doubts about what?’
His gaze falls away and the crease between his brows deepens. ‘Never mind.’
‘Josh, no … what? Please tell me.’ I sit up now and peer down at him. ‘What do you mean?’
‘It’s just …’ I rest a hand lightly on his shoulder, wanting the connection?needing it. What on earth is going on with him? Now he sits up, resting against the bedhead and pulling the covers over his nakedness. Uh-oh, that’s my move, my protective move when being naked feels figurative as much as literal. My stomach curdles.
‘Josh, please … you’re scaring me.’
He looks at me now, his expression clouded by a myriad of emotions and none of them good. ‘It’s just that over the past few months … in the lead up to this trip …’ He huffs out a ragged sigh. ‘You’ve been a little … I don’t know … distracted?unhappy even.’
Now I’m frowning as I scour my memories again, only this time it’s for instances of ‘distraction’ and ‘unhappiness’. And then it hits me. I’ve done an utterly shitty job of hiding this undercurrent of unease about turning forty and my poor boyfriend has been stewing over this for months?worried the whole time that it’s about him, about us.
But what did I expect? Both Cat and Lins have mentioned it and Josh knows me as well as they do?better in some ways.
‘Josh?’
‘I just wondered if it was me,’ he says, adding fuel to this awful fire. ‘If you’re dissatisfied with me, with our relationship.’ Oh, god, I was right and I’m a terrible person. How the fuck have I let this go on so long?
‘Josh, no, no! I promise, this has absolutely nothing to do with you?with us. You are perfect.’ He cocks his head, clearly doubtful. ‘Well, not that you’re perfect … you’re as human as the rest of us but … fuck! I just mean that you’re perfect for me. We are perfect together. This is …’ I spot the sheen of tears in his eyes and my heart breaks that I’ve unwittingly hurt him so much.
I grab his hand. I must make him understand. ‘Josh, babe … I am so sorry that you’ve been worried about this. But I love you. I love our life together. I love it. It’s everything I never knew I always wanted,’ I say, hoping to bring some levity to this conversation. It doesn’t. ‘And this shit that’s been going on with me … it’s hard to explain, and believe me, I’ve tried?with Cat, with Lins, even my dad?but it’s about me?’
‘Wait, what?’ Oh, shit. I’m totally fucking this up. ‘You haven’t been able to tell me what’s going on but you can tell your sister and your best friend?and even your dad? Well, that’s awesome. That’s just fucking awesome.’
He shoves the covers aside and climbs out of the bed, retrieving his jocks and jeans from the floor and roughly stepping into them. ‘I’m supposed to be your partner, Sarah. We’re supposed to be able to share these things?work them out together.’ The sound of his zipper emphasises his anger?his completely justified anger. Why did I think that keeping this from him?this distraction, as he so rightly pegged it?was a good idea? It shouldn’t have mattered that it was difficult to convey. I should have found a way.
He grabs his T-shirt from the end of the bed and slips into it. ‘Josh … please … can I explain?’
He glares down at me. ‘I don’t know, Sarah. Apparently, you’ve had months to figure out how to explain, but here we are.’ He looks around the room and spying his phone on his bedside table, takes it and shoves it into his front jeans pocket.
‘Are you leaving?’ I ask, though him hurriedly dressing should have been my first clue.
‘I’m … I’m not leaving. I’m going for a walk. I need … I just need to be anywhere else right now.’
Tears splash onto my cheeks as I watch him walk out of our bedroom, leaving the door wide open. The front door to the apartment slams behind him, the sound reverberating against the tiled floors.
‘Well, fuck,’ I say to the empty room.
