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But the thing is that I still want to know all his secrets badly.
I still want him to open up to me rather than me listening to a story from someone close to him. And I think he knows my weakness, and so right now he is using something against me.
And I’m so far gone that I don’t even care.
He can use whatever he wants against me.
He can do whatever he wants to me.
So swallowing, I say, “Okay.”
Even though I give him what he wants, he still flinches like he can’t believe it. He can’t believe that I agreed and now he needs to really tell me a secret. Then, in a grave, low voice, he says, “It won’t be just once.”
“What?”
He watches me for a thick, heavy, charged moment before continuing, “Four years ago, when I kept you here, at this mansion, against your wishes, it was because I was angry. Because I wanted to punish you for the things that were done to me in the past.”
He pauses here.
And simply watches me, his thumb raking over my skin, his eyes caressing me gently, tenderly.
But with a hunger that I’ve never seen before on him.
On anyone really.
It sends my heart racing. It sends my breaths racing as well as I prepare myself for what’s to come next.
“But the second time,” he begins, his fingers flexing. “After I wouldn’t let you graduate and you came to me with this grand idea of doing the extra work. That time when I kept jerking you around, when I wouldn’t listen to you, wasn’t because I was angry. It wasn’t because I wanted revenge or I wanted to make you pay.”
My own fingers flex in his hair as I whisper, “So then why?”
My question makes him chuckle. It’s slight and low, barely producing any sound and mostly a puff of air. “Why.”
“Yeah.”
“It’s because you were right all along. I’m the devil, Poe,” he says, his jaw clenching. “And you’re the cute little doe-eyed diva I wanted to trap in my dungeon.”
I don’t…
I don’t understand.
Not for a few seconds.
For a few seconds, all I can do is read pages and pages of regret on his face. Pages and pages of self-recrimination.
And then I get it.
Then I understand what he means.
I understand why he kept me here.
Why he wouldn’t listen to me, my grand, legitimate idea of finishing summer school early.
“You want me,” I whisper.
He flinches again, this time harder, and I can’t help but tighten my limbs around him. I can’t help but grasp his face and repeat, “You want me. That’s why you wouldn’t listen to me. That’s why you kept dismissing all my ideas. Because you wanted me. You didn’t wanna let me go. You wanted me for yourself.”
His jaw is clamped shut but somehow he opens it and rasps, “Yeah.”
“How… How long?”
“Since I came back.”
“F-from Italy?”
“Yeah.”
My mouth falls open. My eyes go wide.
My skin wakes up in goosebumps. My body wakes up with electricity and currents and fireworks.
He has wanted me since he came back from Italy.
He has wanted me for months now.
“I d-didn’t…”
“Know,” he says, his features a mix of regret and irritation. “Yeah, I know. I know you didn’t know, Poe. I know you had no clue.”
Then some tightness returns to his body as he goes on, “I know that you were in love with your fucking boyfriend. I know that. Not only do I know, it’s fucking tattooed in my brain. Which means I think about it all the time. I think about it. I dream about it. I fucking see his ugly mug behind my closed eyes. And every time that happens, I want to go back and strangle him. I want to go back and pop his eyes out of their goddamn sockets because you loved him. Because you chased after him. But not only because of that, Poe. Not only because your teenage heart beat for him but also because of what he did to you. Because of what he was planning to do. The only reason he’s alive right now is because he never got there. He never got to your mouth, your sweet, sugary, cherry pie mouth. If he had, I swear to God, I would’ve ended him. I would’ve killed him with my bare hands while you watched, Poe. While you fucking watched.”
Oh God.
Oh God. God.
He has fucking wanted me while I was plotting against him. While I wanted to run away from him.
He has fucking wanted me while I wanted someone else.
I don’t…
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to fucking do to make this pain go away for him.
To make this jealousy go away.
He’s been burning with it. He’s been choking with it.
And all this time, I never knew.
All this time, I was so blinded by the wrong things. By the things that I thought I wanted – Jimmy’s love, my mom’s love, my fucking freedom. While I’ve been free here.
