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She did neither.
She right away sent me upstairs to my room so I could take a shower that she ordered me to. She also ordered that I change into comfy pajamas and come right back down so she could make me tea and also something to eat.
Now, she takes a seat across from me while also pushing a piece of cherry pie in front of me.
Which only makes me want to start crying again.
Because it’s his favorite.
“Oh no, I’m not hungry but thanks,” I tell her, taking a sip of my tea only out of respect for her.
It’s good but I stand corrected. His was better.
“Eat,” she tells me nonetheless with a stern look.
Normally I’d argue, but I don’t have the energy or the fight in me so I dutifully pick up the fork and take a bite, trying not to let tears well up in my eyes at the burst of cherries on my tongue.
“Good.” Mo nods approvingly before taking a sip of her own tea and pinning me with her warm brown gaze. “Now, I want you to promise me something.” I nod eagerly, setting my cup aside, but she goes, “No, don’t nod your head, Poe, if you’re not going to listen. If you’re going to keep doing it and lying and sweetheart —”
I reach out and grab her hand. “Mo, I’m not going to lie. I’m not. I’m…” I swallow down the emotions pressing against my throat. “I know that I do that. A lot. I lie and I plot and I do… bad things but…” I squeeze her hand. “I’m not doing it here. I realize how hollow that sounds since I’m sitting in front of you right now, after having snuck out, but I came because… Because I wanted to tell you. What I did. I wanted to confess and I…”
Wanted you to hate me for it.
Yeah, that’s why I came to the one person who’s close to him.
Who would take his side. Who would condemn me for what I did.
Echo and Jupiter were sympathetic when they saw my face after I ran back to the dorms from his office. I didn’t tell them what had transpired but they both could tell that something bad had happened. But since they’re such good friends, their concern was for me and not for him.
That’s why I came.
Because I need that.
I need condemnation. I need to be hated in this moment.
Like he hates me.
“You what, Poe?” Mo prods.
I blink back my tears, sniffling. “I just wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know what I almost did. To hurt him. And I hate myself for it. So I guess, I just wanted you to hate me.” I chuckle sadly which sounds similar to a sob. “But you’re giving me tea and pie. I don’t… I don’t understand that.”
Mo’s eyes grow even warmer if that’s possible. “I’m giving you tea and pie because I don’t hate you. I could never hate you, Poe. And I could never blame you for what you did.”
“But —”
“No, you did what you thought you had to do, and we all do that sometimes. The important thing is that you didn’t. That you pulled yourself back at the end. That’s the important thing, Poe.”
Still gripping her hand, I squirm in my seat. “I just… You didn’t see his face. His face was…” My heart squeezes and squeezes in my chest. “It was like he wasn’t there. He was but not really and God, I…” I try to breathe through the pain. “I never want to see that again. I never want him to go to that place again. Wherever he went. He was all gone. Like, there was no emotion there. And he’s got the best poker face but that was… something else. Something painful.”
You’re not the first girl to try to make a fool out of me…
Chills race down my spine again.
Something that’s been happening ever since he said those words to me. Something that I think will keep happening for a long time. Because it’s not good.
Whatever it is he meant by those words, it’s not good.
It’s awful and terrifying and just the thought of it, what it could potentially mean, is enough to make me want to throw up.
Mo sighs, her grip on my hand tightening further. “I know. And that’s why I’m going to tell you a story.”
I jerk back in my seat. “What?”
“About him.”
“Mo, no,” I protest. “You can’t.”
“I should’ve done this a long time ago but —”
“Mo, no, listen.” I pin her with a meaningful gaze. “Don’t do this. Please. I’m begging you. Don’t break his trust, okay? Just… He’s had enough of that for one day. For a lifetime I think. Just please, don’t. As much as I’d like to know, I don’t need to know anything. Because it wouldn’t change the fact that I still did it.”
