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“Right, but that’s not feasible, except with you. I can’t say all that stuff to Jarrett.”
“No, but you can’t keep stuffing your emotions inside, either. It’s like pushing a beach ball under water. No matter how hard you try to keep it down, eventually, it’s going to pop to the surface.”
“Yes, but I don’t have any choice. I have to find some way to hide it, to protect Jarrett. And in the end, I’m protecting Gabe, too.”
“Listen, I know how hard it is to do what I’m asking. I didn’t even follow my own advice when Cole and I were in our temporary marriage. But you need to stop trying to guess Jarrett’s feelings and making decisions based on what youthinkhe feels.”
“This isn’t like you and Cole,” Rylie argued. “Jarrett’s been in love with my sister all this time. And I’m not guessing what he feels—he told me.”
“You could be right.” Brooke’s tone was laden with empathy. “But whether or not that’s true, you have to learn to be vulnerable. That means letting your feelings show, even if the result is rejection.”
“I don’t see how that’s going to help anything. What do you want me to do? Tell him I love him and force him to give me an official rejection? I’ll just be moping around and crying all the time. He would never like me if I was acting like that. I wouldn’t even like me.”
“I’m not suggesting you go home and confess your love. I’m just saying you should stop hiding how you feel. If he says something that hurts you, let yourself react. If he asks you about it, be as honest as you can. Baby steps. You can’t change all at once. Crying a little bit now and then might keep you from exploding.”
Rylie’s face grew cold in the wind, and she realized her cheeks were already wet with tears, simply from thinking about doing what Brooke wanted her to do.
“Wouldn’t that be manipulating him?” Rylie asked. “Trying to make him change how he acts toward me? Because I know he would never do anything to hurt me on purpose. I can see him pretending he cares just to protect my feelings.”
“As long as you’re truthful, it’s not manipulation.”
“I don’t know. I don’t think I could do it, even if I wanted to. I’m not good at expressing myself. It’s not who I am.”
“Or maybe, it is who you are, but you’re stuffing yourself away, only showing a tiny part of yourself,” Brooke said. “You’re right about one thing, Rylie. You can’t keep going like you are… pushing that beach ball under the water. Embrace it, and it will hold you up.”
“Okay. I’ll try it. Thanks for talking to me.”
“Do you feel any better? Less panicky?”
“I think so.”
She’d already broken the be-honest rule, because deep inside, Rylie felt more hopeless than before.
* * *
Rylie and Jarrettfell into a daily routine… work, a run or bike ride, dinner, bath and bedtime routine with Gabe, followed by reading or TV time before bed. At Rylie’s insistence, Jarrett had agreed to alternate nights getting up with Gabe. Thankfully, some nights Gabe was able to fall back asleep on his own.
Jarrett kept his in-ear monitor a secret, just in case Rylie ever looked extra tired. Something weird had happened to her. The woman who’d never shed a tear now cried at the drop of a hat. He suspected fatigue was the problem.
Not that he was frightened by her tears. Growing up in a house full of sisters had given him lots of exposure to crying, on both happy and sad occasions. In fact, his sisters often spanned the gamut of emotions on a daily basis, while complimenting him on his stoicism, part of the reason he’d made it a point to keep his own feelings in check.
But it broke his heart to see her cry, especially when he wasn’t allowed to hug her. She’d pushed their physical boundaries back to the hand-holding-only-in-public level, which left him more frustrated than ever. Even friends should be allowed to hug, right?
She’d kept a brave front when Gabe’s hair started falling out, using the clippers to shave it off, while telling him how thick it would be when it grew back. Later that night after Gabe was in bed, she’d made an exception to her no-hugging rule. As she’d sat on the couch, her tears wetting Jarrett’s shirt, he’d held her against him, stroking the soft skin on her arm and repeating the assurances she already knew.Gabe’s prognosis was good. Losing his hair meant the chemo was working. All the suffering would be worth it in the end when the cancer was in full remission.Oddly, comforting Rylie made Jarrett feel better as well.
Four Saturdays after her first visit, the caseworker came to observe again. She stayed longer this time and asked more in-depth questions about their daily schedule. Gabe impressed her with his verbal skills, and Jarrett was so proud, his chest hurt. Elaina left without giving an indication when her next visit might happen, but she assured them everything seemed to be in order.
Their lives were rocking along with only a few rough waters to disturb their boat. Though the next day, when all his sisters came to visit, had the potential to be a tidal wave.
Not long after Elaina left, Juanita called, saying she happened to be in the neighborhood and wanted them to meet another of her cousins. She arrived at their front door within minutes of her call.
“This is Lottie’s brother, Manny.”
One look was all it took. Jarrett didn’t like him. The man oozed testosterone, from his pumped-up biceps to his bulging quads, and he aimed it toward Rylie.
“Manny’s a photographer,” Juanita said, beaming. “I thought he could take pictures of Rylie and Gabe.”
“You’re right about her, Juanita,” Manny said, his beady eyes raking up and down Rylie. “She’s gorgeous.”
