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Grant and Stefan had to run to the country club to help them deal with an emergency or something. The club is hosting a cookout at one of the member's houses, and a bartender was running late ... I really don't know the details. But they said they'd be back in a couple hours. And when he does come back, I hope he doesn't take my being high as his answer to the PDA question.
An hour later, we're lying under a tree, our sundresses splayed on the grass around us. Ashton is using Squirrel's stomach as a pillow, and my head is on her stomach, so we create a zig-zag pattern.
Ashton sweeps her fingers across my forehead, brushing my overgrown bangs to the side and tucking them behind my ear. The tickle of her fingers on my skin is sedating. A rustle of leaves has captivated my attention. It's like they're waving to me.
"Why do they call you Squirrel?" I ask out of nowhere.
"Because, when I was little, I used to hide food in my closet. When my parents asked me why, I told them it was for hibernation."
Ashton and I laugh. "That is the best story!" she exclaims. "I love it. Except ... love is so confusing." Her stomach flexes beneath me as she talks, jostling my head.
"I don't believe in love," is my response.
Squirrel starts laughing so hard that Ashton is forced to sit up, which makes me sit as well. When he realizes we aren't laughing with him, he slowly calms. "I didn't know you were serious."
I nod.
"Love exists, whe
ther you believe in it or not. Just like magic."
I look to Ashton, who is seriously contemplating this as valid. "Yeah, you're right."
"Um ... what?"
Ashton lays on her side, her head propped on her elbow, to face Squirrel. I turn toward him and sit cross-legged, tucking my skirt beneath me, preparing to absorb whatever wisdom Squirrel is about to unleash.
"Love isn't something you can hold onto, or will into being. It already is, because we are it. Love is us at our essence."
"Then how come it hurts us then? Breaks so many hearts? Destroys lives?"
"That's not love. That's fear. Fear rules our minds. Every time we overthink and try to talk ourselves out of something, that's fear talking. And when it's threatened, when love starts to take over, it speaks louder, trying to make us believe we're not worthy of being loved, or it's only going to hurt us. But love never hurts. Not ever."
I just stare at him. His words are like butterflies flitting around his head, and I try to hold on to them, but they're all jumbled up and I'm not sure which butterfly spoke first.
"What was in the brownies?" I ask.
"I don't really remember, but it's organic," Squirrel says, twirling a strand of Ashton's hair around his finger.
"What happens when we fall in love?" Ashton asks, lining the palm of my hand with hers and examining the way our fingers press together.
"You don't get to choose who you love. You are love. So when you share that love, you're sharing you. You never really fall in love exactly. It's a connection. A bond. Our souls recognize that connection long before we do. Love can't be given or taken away, it can only be experienced in a beautiful symbiotic way that fills up your entire being."
"Like light," a voice inside me says.
Squirrel is quiet for moment. "Yeah. Like light." I guess he heard that voice too.
"What are you doing over here?" Kaely asks, sitting down next to me.
"Being light," Ashton replies, running a finger along my arm that sends a cascade of shivers through my body.
"Oh," Kaely says, thinking about this. "I don't understand."
"That's because your fear is talking," I tell her. I think I got that right.
"Are we sharing our biggest fear?" Kaely asks, getting excited. "I'm so afraid of falling down a hole and getting stuck, and then calling out and nobody hearing me. Then I'll be stuck in the ground by myself forever."
"That's terrible!" Ashton exclaims, like she can feel her fear. "You have to step over those holes so they never get you."
