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Was he angry with me? Was that why he had avoided me since Remy’s death? But as soon as the thought occurred to me I dismissed it. I was being paranoid, insecure, and this was not the time. This wasn’t about me, or about what we’d done seven nights ago. He wasn’t angry with me. I simply didn’t mean that much to him, I knew that, whatever Remy in his optimism had said about our liaison.
Alexi was angry at his brother’s senseless death and probably furious with his father, who had arrived drunk at the funeral, not to mention angry at the fates who had robbed him of the last of his family—or the only part of his family who’d ever mattered to him.
He didn’t want me sexually. He’d made that very clear after we’d slept together a week ago. It had been a mistake.
But that didn’t mean I couldn’t offer him friendship. If nothing more, I could offer him comfort in our shared grief, because I was the only other person who felt Remy’s loss as keenly as he did.
‘I wanted to make sure you’re okay,’ I said.
‘Of course I’m not okay, I killed my brother.’
‘Wh...? What?’ The shiver at the coldness in his voice, and in his eyes, racked my whole body despite the warm day. Was he serious? How could he believe even for a moment he was to blame for Remy’s death?
‘You heard me,’ he said, his anger slicing through my shock.
‘But he wanted to be a driver, Alexi. It was his dream, his passion, for so long. You mustn’t hold yourself responsible,’ I said, trying to grasp the reason for his guilt.
Alexi had been managing the Galanti Super League team for two years now, ever since his father, Gustavo, had begun drinking so heavily he was no longer capable of hiding the extent of his addiction. Alexi had given Remy his chance as a test driver and had let him have his first lead this season. Was that why he blamed himself for Remy’s accident?
He stared at me blankly, then his lips flattened into a grim line. ‘Don’t play the innocent with me. It won’t work a second time.’
‘I don’t... I—I don’t understand,’ I stammered, the cynicism in his gaze chilling.
I hadn’t bled when we had made love a week ago, even though Alexi was my first lover. I’d felt the pinch, the slight soreness, when he’d thrust heavily inside me—he wasn’t a small man. But the pain had been so slight, so fleeting—the pleasure overwhelming in its intensity only moments later—that I was sure he hadn’t realised about my virginity. At the time, I had been grateful. I didn’t want him to think of me as a child. But when he spoke again I wasn’t grateful any more.
‘Stop playing the innocent. Remy knew what we’d done. He pretended it didn’t matter, made some joke about it at the track that day before he went out, but you were always his girl. I should never have touched you. That’s why he got distracted on the track, took the turn too fast.’
‘But I... I was never Remy’s girl, not like that. We were just friends,’ I said, suddenly understanding where Alexi’s guilt came from and wanting to make it right.
His eyebrows flattened, the muscle in his jaw jumped and the cynical twist of his lips sharpened as the chill in his blue eyes darkened.
‘Was it you?’ he hissed. ‘Did you tell him we slept together even though I told you not to?’
‘Yes,’ I said, blurting out the truth.
I could have lied. A part of me wanted to lie—the agonising guilt in Alexi’s eyes now fired by the light of fury—but I wasn’t ashamed of what we’d done. Remy had been pleased about the possibility of us dating, not upset.
Alexi didn’t understand about my friendship with Remy because he didn’t know his younger brother was gay.
If only I could tell him that now. The truth lingered on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t voice it as I saw the pain behind the guilt in Alexi’s eyes.
It would only hurt him more, to know Remy had confided in me and not him—and it had always been Remy’s secret to reveal. If he’d wanted Alexi to know, wouldn’t he already have told him? How could I break my confidence to Remy now, simply to save myself from his brother’s wrath?
‘Why did you tell him?’ he asked, the accusation in his voice as raw as the pain.
‘Because...’ I stuttered to a stop.
Because Remy was gay, because we were friends, because he knew how much I had always loved you and he wanted us to be together.
But the words got stuck in my throat, behind the huge dam of emotion forged by the disgust etched on Alexi’s face.
‘Don’t answer that,’ he said before I could get the words out. ‘I think we both know why you told him. Because you thought I was the better catch, didn’t you? You figured, being the older brother, I was worth more.’
I was so stunned by his accusations I couldn’t even begin to defend myself.
‘You little whore. I knew I shouldn’t have touched you, that it was wrong, but I never realised how wrong.’
His words were like physical blows—each one more painful than the last.
