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‘Mr Allegri,’ she said, triggering the myriad emotions I’d been trying to suppress. ‘I think he wants to offer you your job back.’ She sounded so pleased and eager I didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth.
I hadn’t explained any of it to Jude. That I’d fallen in love with a man as damaged and ruthless as the men our mother had always gravitated towards.
‘I don’t want to see him.’ I couldn’t speak to him now, whatever he had to say to me. It would hurt too much to hash over it all again. And I couldn’t be sure that I would stick to my guns. That I had the strength to walk away a second time.
But Jude had already grasped my arm and was tugging me towards the library. ‘Don’t be daft, Edie. You have to see him. He came all the way here in his helicopter. And he looks... I don’t know...he looks a little desperate.’
Before I could muster the strength to tell her the truth, she had propelled me into the room, run out and slammed the door shut behind her.
‘Edie?’ Dante appeared out of the shadows in the room, which was lit by a single lamp in the corner.
The sight of his tall frame and broad shoulders had a predictable effect on me. I tried to stifle it, to stay strong. I’d thought it all through. I’d fallen into the same trap as my mother by falling for this man. But if I could just stay away from him, I’d get over it eventually.
‘You have to leave, Dante,’ I said. ‘I can’t come back to the casino, if that’s why you’re here.’ I’d done a good job, I knew that—which was probably why he had come. He was a practical, pragmatic businessman, and I’d managed to spot three cheats at the high stakes game in as many weeks.
‘I’m not here about the job. I have one simple question to ask you.’ He walked towards me. ‘Do you love me? If you do, it is not too late.’
Desperation assailed me at the intensity in his gaze. I shook my head. I wanted to tell him no. I wanted for it not to be true. How could I still be so besotted with a man who had hurt me? But I couldn’t say the words and I saw the spark of hope light his eyes.
‘Tell me you don’t still love me and I will go, bella,’ he said. ‘And we will never speak of this again.’
A part of me hated him in that moment. Because I knew he would see right through the lie if I tried to deny my feelings for him. But it was so grossly unfair, that I should be bound by my emotions, tricked into giving in to him when it would make me so vulnerable again.
Unable to speak, I turned to flee from the room.
But he followed me, flattening his palm against the door as I tried to open it. I stood in the cage of his arms, pressing my forehead to the worn wood, feeling my body succumb to desire—as it always did when he was near me. I could smell him, the tempting scent of salt and cedar and musk assaulting my nostrils as he stood too close behind me.
‘You cannot say it, bella, because it is true,’ he whispered against my neck. ‘You love me and you still want me, you know you do. Let me make it better. Let me fix this.’
I swung round and flattened my palms against his chest. He was going to kiss me. He wanted to kiss me. I could see the yearning in his face because it matched my own. But I found the strength from somewhere to hold him off.
‘Don’t you see it isn’t enough?’ I said. To my surprise, instead of taking advantage of my weakness, he let his arms fall and stepped back.
‘It doesn’t matter if I love you,’ I added, suddenly weary to the bone. ‘It doesn’t matter if I still want you. If I let you kiss me now, make love to me again, after the way you treated me, I’d simply be inviting you to do it again. I saw my mother eventually become a shadow of herself that way. Each time a new love affair started she would kid herself that this man would be different. She did everything in her power to make those men love her, but of course they didn’t because she was too compliant, too undemanding, too accommodating. She never asked for a commitment, for an equal stake in those relationships and, because she didn’t, they eventually grew bored of her, the way you grew bored of me.’
‘I never grew bored of you...’ he interrupted, his voice breaking now too. ‘I wanted you so much. I still do.’ His gaze roamed over me, the look of need in his eyes open and unguarded for the first time since I’d met him.
‘You’re just talking about sex,’ I said, despairing.
‘No, that isn’t it,’ he said, the fervour in his voice fierce and uninhibited. ‘I didn’t just want you in my bed. I wanted you to be a part of my life.’ He sighed. ‘Your wit, your joy, your kindness, your intelligence—everything about you turns me on, not just your delectable body.’
He lifted his hand as if to touch me, but then dropped it when I flinched.
‘It’s why I couldn’t stay away from you. Why I went insane when I saw you talking to Alexi. I am in love with you too, bella. Please tell me it’s not too late to make this right.’
His words crucified me, because I could hear the truth in them. He was serious. But I forced myself to stifle the hope that wanted to surge through me. Because it still wasn’t enough. In fact it was almost worse.
If he had fallen for me too, how could he have hurt me the way he had? And what was going to stop him from doing it again?
‘How could you treat me that way if you loved me?’ I asked.
He let out a heavy sigh and I could see the turmoil in his face, but I couldn’t let it go. I deserved an answer.
‘Because lov
ing you terrified me,’ he murmured.
The clouds passed over the moon as he said it and the silvery light shone through the library window, illuminating his face which had been thrown into shadow by the lamp behind him. For the first time, I saw circles under his eyes and the tight lines around his mouth. He was exhausted, I realised.
