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I can’t talk about this.
The panic burned a hole in Mac’s gut but he kept the turmoil of emotions off his face. ‘You don’t have to understand.’
Her big soulful eyes widened at the obvious dismissal. He ignored the stab of guilt. But as he turned to go she rushed forward and placed her hand on his arm.
‘Mac, don’t. Please don’t just walk away.’
He glanced at her fingers. Seemed she wasn’t going to let him off the hook that easily. ‘What is it you want?’ he asked. But he had a bad feeling he already knew.
‘The way you’re treating Daisy and Connor. It isn’t like you. You’re not cold or unfeeling. I know you’re not. I just want to know why.’
The complete faith in her voice made the burning sensation worse. He should have seen this coming.
Ever since she’d told him about her past, ever since he’d known about that bastard who’d as good as raped her, he’d felt the debt between them but he’d ignored it to get what he wanted. Watching her blossom in his arms, watching her lose her inhibitions had been irresistible.
So he’d rescheduled meetings, skipped interviews, turned off his cell phone and ignored the pile of scripts on his desk he was supposed to be reading to gorge himself on her.
And now here was the reckoning. She was calling in the debt, expecting him to bare his soul in return.
‘You don’t know me, Juno. You just think you do.’
‘What are you trying to say? That you’re somehow a bad person? I don’t believe that.’
He shook his head. He could walk away now. He probably should. But letting her believe he was a better man than he really was wouldn’t do either of them any good.
‘You want to know why Connor and I can never be brothers? It’s because of what I came from. And what’s in me,’ he said, feeling as dirty as the sweat drying on his skin. ‘Our da was a violent alcoholic.’ As soon as he’d said the words he could see the fleshy face, the mottled skin that had struck terror into him as a child. ‘He had a particular belt he liked to use when he was really drunk. It had a nice fat buckle.’ He formed his fingers into a square. ‘About this big.’ He kept his gaze steady on hers as he lowered his hands.
She hadn’t flinched yet, but she would.
‘And every time he went after Connor with that belt, you want to know what I did?’
Juno struggled not to recoil at the bitter cynicism in his voice, or the gruesome picture he’d painted. When Daisy had said tough she hadn’t realised it had been that tough.
‘What did you do?’
‘Nothing. That’s what I did. I did nothing,’ he said, his eyes dark with memory. ‘I’d hear the sickening thud as that buckle cut right to the bone. And I’d do absolutely nothing. Because all I cared about was that it wasn’t me on the end of that thing.’
‘But what could you have done? You were only a child!’
‘There’s only three years separates us.’ Emotion thickened his accent into a deep brogue. ‘And I’ve not got a mark on me. Not one. While I’m sure Connor has plenty.’
‘What about the scar on your arm? How did you get that?’ she pointed out, her voice faltering. Why was he punishing himself like this? Surely the villain here had been his father, not a frightened little boy so traumatised by the violence he’d been too scared to fight back.
He clasped a hand over his bicep, rubbed the old wound. ‘All right, I’ll grant you. That last night wasn’t too pretty.’ He shrugged, as if what must have been a terrible injury had no significance whatsoever.
Tears pooled in her eyes, slipped over her lids.
‘Hey, don’t be doing that now.’ He caught a tear on his thumb, looking appalled. ‘I didn’t tell you so you’d feel sorry for me.’
‘But what you’ve told me is terrible.’
‘No, it’s not. Not any more. I learned to live with it a long time ago,’ he said.
Had he? She doubted that. She scrubbed away her tears. It was obvious he didn’t want her sympathy. But her heart still ached for the little boy he’d been.
He gripped her shoulders, peered into her face. ‘I don’t think I’m a bad person.’ He tucked his finger under her chin.
‘But I am selfish. I look out for number one. And I always have. That’s who I am. I’m not interested in playing happy families. With Connor or anyone else.’
