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‘I’m sorry,’ she blurted out. He had never wanted her to fall in love and, as much as he’d manipulated her, he’d never lied to her about that.
He frowned, focused on her. ‘Sorry for what?’
She wiped the errant tears off her cheek. ‘I tried to make this something it isn’t. You never …’
‘Don’t,’ he said, touching a finger to her lips. ‘Don’t do that.’
‘Don’t do what?’ she said, confused by the curt command.
‘Don’t make excuses for me.’ He ran unsteady fingers through his hair,
then swore softly. ‘I don’t deserve it. If anyone needs to say sorry here, it’s me. Not you.’ He lifted her hand and pressed his lips into her palm. ‘Maddy, it wasn’t the loss I couldn’t get over. It was the anger at the pointless way they died.’
She tilted her head, hopelessly baffled by the self-loathing in his voice. ‘I don’t understand.’
He threaded his fingers through hers and held on. ‘I should tell you what happened.’
She shook her head. She’d tried to make him relive this once already for her own selfish reasons. She wasn’t prepared to do it again. ‘You don’t have to tell me, Rye. It was never any of my business.’
‘Yeah. It is.’ He gave a rueful smile, confusing her even more. ‘My father had an accident on his board.’ He ducked his head but she could hear the tension in his voice. ‘It was a World Championship Competition; he wanted to qualify for the top league.’ His eyes met hers, the grief so intense it took her breath away. ‘She begged him to be careful. But he didn’t listen. He took a stupid risk, wiped out against a reef and broke his neck.’
‘Rye, please—’ she tightened her grip ‘—don’t do this. You don’t have to.’
‘Yeah, I do.’ His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. ‘She took an overdose of sleeping pills three weeks later. But really it was like she was already dead. She left me a note. You want to know what it said?’
She flinched at the bitterness in his voice, tears streaming down her cheeks. ‘What?’
‘Sorry. That’s all it said. Sorry. Like that was going to make up for leaving me.’
‘Please, Rye. I didn’t mean to bring all that …’
‘I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad. I’m telling you so you’ll understand something. They were selfish people. They loved me, sure. But they always put themselves first. And I’ve done the same damn thing to you.’ He looked at her and the tenderness she saw made her heart stop. ‘And it’s taken me forever to see it.’
‘That’s not true,’ she said, automatically leaping to his defence. ‘You did what you had to do to protect yourself. You were just a little boy.’
‘But I’m not a little boy any more,’ he said, interrupting her. ‘And I haven’t been for a long time.’ He rested his hands on her hips. ‘The truth is, losing them the way I did became a convenient excuse to have everything I wanted without risking anything in return.’ He touched his forehead to hers and sighed. ‘You want to know what’s really ironic?’
She blinked, still baffled, but at the same time oddly elated. The shutters had lifted. She’d never seen Rye so open, had never even thought it was possible.
‘Yes, I would,’ she said softly.
‘Because I kept getting away with it. Because I came out of each relationship unscathed, I always thought I’d be able to choose—who I cared about and how much. And then you came along and suddenly I didn’t get to choose.’
Was that gratitude she could see in his eyes or something more?
‘I wanted to be with you all the damn time,’ he continued. ‘And you were right, I wanted to make that all about the sex and nothing else.’ A rueful smile tilted his lips. ‘But it was never that simple. Was it?’
‘Not for me,’ Maddy murmured.
‘The only difference is,’ he added, ‘you had the guts to admit it. And I didn’t.’
The sensual grin spread, making heat pulse at her core and warmth wrap around her heart. He paused to take a deep breath. ‘I do love you, Maddy. In fact, I think I’ve loved you for weeks. But I was too scared to say it. Even to myself.’
‘Oh!’ she whispered, pressing her fingers to her lips, tears of emotion pricking the back of her eyes. ‘Do you really mean it?’ she said, and immediately felt like an idiot.
What was she trying to do—ruin her big romantic moment?
But he didn’t look offended or even surprised; his grin just got bigger. ‘I do if you do.’
