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How had her mother handled it?
‘I don’t want to ruin his summer,’ she added. ‘He’s having such a good time. He’s even enjoying g
oing to school with Toto.’
The novelty of his accent and his encyclopedic knowledge of Pokémon and the Marvel Universe had transformed him from the weird kid to the cool kid and he was loving it.
‘Then don’t tell him yet,’ her mother said, making it sound so simple.
How would she handle it if Josh responded the same way she had to the news? With tantrums and diva strops and endless complaints? Not that Josh was likely to do that, because it wasn’t in his nature to have a diva strop, but even so…
Ellie began to shake, the enormity of everything she’d been avoiding closing in on her. Her mother clasped her harder, the smell of fresh herbs and yeast surrounded her.
‘But every time I think about it…’ Or every time she avoided thinking about it. ‘Every time I hear him talking to Dan.’ And every time she avoided talking to Dan too, in case he brought it up and asked why she hadn’t told Josh yet. ‘I feel so dishonest.’
‘It’s not dishonest, there’s no rush,’ Dee said. ‘I piled so much onto you when I brought you here,’ she murmured against her hair. ‘Much more than you were capable of handling and, as a result, I lost you. That you’re being cautious is not a sign of failure or dishonesty. It’s a sign of your selflessness and your love.’
Ellie clung on to her mother. And hugged her tight, really tight, for the first time since she was a little girl. She could feel the rise and fall of her mother’s breathing, that solid strength that had always been there, and that had been gone when she returned to London with her father.
‘I did so many things wrong that summer.’ Her mother’s breast rose and fell as she gave a heavy sigh. ‘Pam and I should have waited longer to come here, but she was…’ Her mother’s voice faltered and Ellie shifted back to look into her mother’s face.
Unlined and pale, Dee’s face appeared younger than her years, but today Ellie could see the grief, that hollow sadness that would never lift.
‘You and Pam were together?’ she asked. ‘Before that summer?’
‘Yes, we’d been seeing each other for two years. Your father and I hadn’t had a physical relationship for a long time.’
Ellie sniffed. ‘Two years? But you never said anything?’ How had her mother kept that a secret for so long?
She thought of Pammy, the woman she’d tried so hard to hate that summer, but who had never shown her anything but consideration.
‘Why hadn’t you and Dad had a physical relationship for years?’ Had her mother always been a lesbian then?
Dee sat down heavily beside her, studied her hands, twisting the ring she always kept on her finger, the ring Pam had given her.
‘He cheated on me the first time, less than a year after we married. He couldn’t be faithful, and I tried to ignore it at first, but eventually there wasn’t really any need to, because we lived separate lives in the same house. He had a mistress and I didn’t mind.’ Her mother sent her a weak smile that spoke of how much she’d endured.
Ellie felt the twist of humiliation in her own chest, recalling all those times she had gone to an event in Orchard County with Dan, and known her husband wasn’t being faithful. And every time she’d made a conscious decision to ignore the evidence.
‘When I met Pammy,’ Dee said, ‘I discovered what it was actually like to be in love. Passionately in love. And I realised I had never felt that way about your father. So no wonder he wasn’t faithful to me.’
Ellie took her mother’s hands, and rubbed her thumbs across the knuckles, slightly swollen from all the hours she put in kneading dough or stirring something. The map of tiny cuts, the red mark across the base of the thumb where she must have burned herself.
She met her mum’s gaze, the pale blue eyes misty with tears. ‘If he couldn’t remain faithful, that’s his fault not yours. He didn’t deserve you.’
Just like Dan hadn’t deserved her.
‘And anyway it was Pam you loved.’
Her mother’s lips curled on one side, the smile weak, but there. ‘I know. But I always loved you more than anything. You were my child. And because I chose to stay here, you stopped believing that.’
‘You couldn’t have stayed with him, and I made the choice to go back to London, so what choice did you have?’ Why had it taken her so long to see this?
Her mother touched her cheek. ‘Don’t let me off so lightly, Ellie. You were a child and I was your mother. I’ve been over the events of that summer again and again over the years, once we’d grown so far apart, and I tried to figure out what I could have done differently. And I came to the conclusion, it was a mistake to bring you here. A selfish decision I made without taking your feelings into account.’ She glanced around the cosy country kitchen, and for the first time Ellie saw it through her mother’s eyes. How much she’d done to the place. ‘It wasn’t ready. You weren’t ready.’
Ellie squeezed her mum’s hand. ‘I’m ready now, and so is this place. You’ve made it into something really beautiful, Mum. Josh loves it here.’
Her mother turned her hand palm up, and squeezed back. ‘I’m glad.’
