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“Our marriage was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.” His voice was little more than a growl, the words spoken softly, but they cut through her, making her flinch.
“Then why repeat it?” She hissed, squeezing her eyes shut against a wave of fresh pain.
“It was a mistake because I lied to you. Not intentionally, but the damage was just the same. I thought you understood the purpose of our union. It was only afterwards that I realised you wanted so much more from me than I had any intention of giving.” A muscle jerked low in his jaw and sadness welled within Alessia at his correct summation of the situation. “You were collateral in a deal between your father and me.”
She winced, pulling away from him and spinning angrily. “What a perfectly succinct way to put it.” She stormed towards the windows, her breasts moving quickly with the rise and fall of each tortured breath. “Collateral.” She shook her head firmly, repeating the word that was so apt.
“Yes, collateral.” He was right behind her. She straightened her spine, her eyes tormented. “Your father needed my help and our marriage was the only way he’d take it. I couldn’t see him go bankrupt and so I agreed.”
“And did you think of me, Max?” She spun around, sadness hovering in the tight lines of her features. “Did you think how our marriage might affect me?”
His lips were a grim line on his handsome face. “No.” He groaned softly. “I had known you a long time, but you were still in many ways just a child to me. The deal I struck was between myself and your father. I was arrogant and wrong, but I honestly didn’t think of you as a woman with your own needs until our wedding night, and by then it was too late.”
His honesty and sincerity should have done something to soothe her frazzled nerves but it didn’t. Instead, everything felt worse, the world too bright and too hot.
“I hated that I was hurting you,” his words pulled at her insides, bit by bit. “And I hated how miserable you were.”
“I was miserable, si,” she agreed, grabbing hold of that reminder like a lifeline. “So why in the hell do you think I’d torture myself by marrying you again?”
He lifted a hand to her stomach, curving it around the bump there, his palm flat against her clothing. “Marry me because our daughter deserves for us to try.” His eyes locked to hers and wouldn’t let go, so her heart slammed into her ribs.
“She deserves to know she’s loved and to be raised in a way that makes her happy. Do you honestly think us repeating the disaster that was our marriage will make her life any better?”
“Yes.”
His certainty did something strange to her belly, filling her with a swarming sense of doubt at her own wants and needs. But their marriage had almost destroyed her, and their divorce had been even worse. She shook her head,
resolution coming back at last. “No,” she contradicted fiercely. “You want to talk about collateral? Imagine what it would be like going through what we did – having a child bear witness to the breakdown of our marriage.”
“This marriage will not break down. This time will be different.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because there will be honesty and transparency now – each of us listing what we want from this. You thought we were in love,” he shook his head with frustration, “and while I suspected you had a crush on me, I didn’t realise the extent of it until we were already married. If I had known how genuine your feelings were, I would have done everything so differently.”
Embarrassment ran through her. “It wasn’t love,” she promised him, wondering at why the words didn’t feel quite genuine. “I was stupid and young and got carried away by the idea of…” family. Of belonging. She bit down on her lip, holding the word back. “I didn’t love you.” It felt so important to assert that now, and when his eyes flashed with an emotion she couldn’t comprehend, it nonetheless filled her with pleasure. As though she’d hurt him in some way!
“Fine,” he dipped his head in silent acceptance of that. “Even better – we shouldn’t let love cloud the reasons for our second marriage either.”
Indignation burst through her. “There is no reason to marry except for love.”
“A child is a reason.”
“Are you some kind of cave man, Massimo? Women have been doing a damned fine job of raising kids on their own for decades now.”
“But children deserve to know –,” he shook his head, the strength of his emotions silencing him.
“What?” She demanded.
“Children deserve to know both parents want them.”
Her heart rocked. She closed her eyes for a moment, the reality of his upbringing impossible to ignore in all of this. Parents who’d all but abandoned him so they could continue their hard-partying ways, leaving him to be raised by doting yet strict grandparents.
“Then be a part of her life,” she said gently, surprising them both by lifting a hand to his arm, curling it around his strong bicep. “Love our daughter, see her often, leave her in no doubt as to what she means to you.”
“That’s not enough.” He moved closer so the words breathed against her temple. “I want her to be a part of a family, and I think you want that too.”
Her heart trembled.
