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Specificity was vital. “So you want me to stay for her?”
“I don’t want you to leave her because you’re running away from me,” he said firmly. “If that’s it, then I’ll go. She shouldn’t have to lose you because of what we’ve had going on.”
Lauren’s heart stretched inside of her. He didn’t love her. He could flick a switch and walk away, just like he was accusing her of doing.
“What do you want, Lauren?”
She pressed her lips together, blocking the words from emerging. She wouldn’t tell him what she really wanted. She closed her eyes and thought of Thom and tears filled her eyes. What had she done?
“I want to leave,” she said on a watery sigh. “I want to go home to England, to another job, to people who need me more
than Yaya does.”
“So you can go and wrap yourself in more death and doom and gloom?”
Her heart twisted.
“You need to stop doing that.”
She flinched. “What do you mean?”
“You lost someone you loved, years ago, and since then, you’ve spent your entire life paying a macabre homage to death. No wonder you can’t get over him. I’ve never known anyone so determined to douse themself in loss.”
His words cut through her. She stared at Raf, ignoring the fact he was only saying what her mother, and Thom’s mother, had said – albeit more gently – on numerous occasions.
“I do what I do because it’s important.”
“Bullshit. You do what you do because it lets you keep living out your own loss. You do it because you’re terrified of living your life.” He expelled an angry breath. “It is important work, si. But you’ve paid your dues. You’ve helped a lot of people over the years. Now it’s time to help yourself. Can’t you see that you deserve that?”
She took a step back, shaking her head, her heart in tatters. She loved him and that gave him a unique power to hurt her. He wouldn’t realise, of course, how these words, coming from him, were uniquely able to cut through her.
“You don’t understand.”
“I understand perfectly. You’re having fun with me so you’re running away to wrap yourself up in a new patient, to feel more grief, more sadness, because you feel like that’s a way to honour Thom. But is this really how you want to live your life?” He closed the distance between them. “Because I’ve got news for you, Lauren. This isn’t living. You’re existing, but it’s not life.”
She shook her head, pain lashing her. “You don’t understand. You have no right to comment –,”
“Fine,” he snapped, his nostrils flaring, his chest moving with the force of his breath. “I won’t comment then.”
“And you have no right to talk! You’re a professional loner! You travel from country to country, indulging your ridiculous adrenaline sports, pushing everyone away just like you’ve accused me of doing!”
He stared down at her, and she felt something shift between them, the air sparking with renewed frustration.
“Yes,” he said with a nod. “That’s what I do.”
“So how come it’s okay for you and not me?”
“Because I’m happy.” He caught her chin and lifted her face, as he’d done so many times. Her eyes clashed with his and her footing felt unsteady. “Can you say the same thing?”
Chapter Thirteen
WHY WASN’T HE JUST letting her go? This was easy. Obvious. It was always meant to be temporary and she was completely right – Yaya didn’t need her anymore. So what? Did he need her? How twisted was that? Raf didn’t need anyone. He never had, and never would.
But the way she was living her life infuriated him, that was all. How could such a beautiful, kind, loving woman be so determined to push everyone away?
“This is the way it has to be.”
“Because he died,” Raf intoned flatly, wondering at the zip of something low in his gut.
