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“No.” He dropped his forehead to hers. “I hoped. I hoped when I had no reason, I hoped every night when I went to your room and stared at your empty bed and wondered where you were, and how you were. I hoped that you were missing me, that you loved me. And then you sent the divorce papers and I had my answer, yet still I hoped. And now I hold you in my arms and I am so close to having everything I want and need in life, but it all rests on you. Chloe, did you leave me because you wanted to? Did you leave me because you couldn’t bear to be married to me?”
“What are you talking about?”
“After the way I treated you, I would understand. I cannot believe the way I behaved. How I bossed you around and … how you must have thought and felt. I cannot believe I let my passion for you turn me into such a bastard. I wanted to change that – I wanted to show you that I could do better, but I knew it would take time. And you left…”
She sobbed and shook her head. “I told you, I left because you need an heir and I thought, up until a moment ago, that I couldn’t give that to you. I learned the truth about Amit only hours before discovering I couldn’t have a baby. I’d thought we might move on from the fact I couldn’t conceive – if that was the case – but only because of Amit. And when I realized he wouldn’t be able to act as your heir… what choice did I have?”
A muscle jerked in his jaw. “I hate that you ever though leaving me was a choice you should make.”
“You need an heir, Raffa. I understand that.”
“Yes. And you’re pregnant.”
She sobered, squeezing her eyes shut. “But that’s a miracle. I may still not be able to have this baby. Doctor Schultz told me that even if I could conceive, carrying to term would be difficult.”
Something like sorrow flashed in his gaze. “I’m so sorry that you have shouldered this worry alone, habibte. But I want you, Chloe. Regardless of whether we have a child together or not, I want a wife – I want my wife. And I want to be your husband.” He frowned. “God, a better husband than I have been. I want to be the husband you deserve. When you left, I was glad, you know, in some part of me, because it was what I deserved. I have treated you in a way that beggared belief and when you took yourself away I knew that I had been wrong, that I deserved your contempt and your hate.”
“I never hated you,” she whispered.
He arched a brow. “I seem to recall you saying that to me one night – and I deserved that too.”
“I hated how much I loved and needed you and how little you felt the same for me.”
“How can you say that? I spent every moment of every day thinking about you –,”
“But never talking to me,” she interjected. “It was very easy to believe this was all about sex for you.”
“I was an idiot. I didn’t admit, even to myself, that I was in love with you. I was scared of love, scared of what it means to be vulnerable to someone. I knew for months that this wasn’t about a baby – that I was coming to you each night because I needed you. But when you left, how could I not admit what I felt? I lost a part of myself when you disappeared Chloe, and I would have given my life just to know you were safe.”
“Raffa,” she stood up on tiptoes. “I had no idea I could hurt you like that. I truly believed that I was doing the right thing in leaving you. I believed you’d divorce me and remarry, and be as happy as before. You told me those were my options, remember?”
His frown showed he didn’t.
“On the night of that ball, when we made this baby bargain, you told me that you would remarry if I didn’t agree.”
He swore under his breath. “A stupid, meaningless threat.”
Chloe’s heart turned over in her chest. “I didn’t know that. I thought you were serious, and that you planned to replace me if I didn’t fall in with your plans.”
He shook his head angrily. “God, Chloe, no. It was never my intention…”
She lifted a hand to silence him. “So when I found out I couldn’t have children, when Doctor Schultz told me that, I presumed you’d simply do as you’d said. That you’d be relieved to get the divorce papers, for it would allow you to move on officially.”
“Relieved?” The word was a hoarse, thick plea, and then he reached for his desk, lifting the papers in his hands. With a single, fulminating look at his wife, Raffa ripped the papers down the centre. “Seeing this on my desk was one of the lowest points of my life. Almost as bad as the pain of hearing that you’d run away. Of knowing you were out there somewhere, and that I may never see, touch nor speak to you again.”
Her smile was a ghostly imitation. “If I had known you were as miserable as I’ve been, believe me, I would have been here with you – I would have told you the truth. I wanted nothing more than to stay here, but how could I when I’d failed you?”
“Failed me? Never speak to me in those terms again! I won’t have it. Chloe, Sheikha, you are more than a dream come true. With or without this baby, you are all I could ever want.” He stroked her cheek. “Do you know something?”
She shook her head. “Apparently I know nothing.”
His grin made her heart flip over. “I’m ashamed to admit this, but I was almost glad when you didn’t conceive. Each month that passed meant I would have more time with you, more reason to come to you.”
“And I was terrified of conceiving because it would put an end to what we shared.” What idiots they’d been! What fools!
“I wanted to share so much more with you. In the desert, I wanted to talk to you – to show you that I wanted more than your body, that I wanted our marriage to be a real one in every way. But then I ruined it by making love to you the second we were alone and in private…”
“That didn’t ruin anything, believe me. It was magical.” Her cheeks flushed and then her eyes widened as she worked back the dates. “In fact, that must have been when we …”
