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‘I’m aware of that.’ Her voice was scathing.
Great. He’d offended her once more. ‘I mean that we have this history. Even before I knew about your pregnancy, I came to America intending to be with you again. From the moment we met I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. You take up too much space in my brain and I can’t have that, Daisy. I can’t.’
Her lips parted, her eyes widened, and she was completely still, perhaps replaying his admission.
‘You don’t want me to leave because you don’t like me?’
He frowned. ‘Why would you think that?’
‘Because you’ve been ignoring me for a week?’
He was quiet a moment. ‘I can’t offer you what you need, and it’s not fair for me to take what I want from you when I want it—’
‘Sex,’ she interjected acerbically.
He dipped his head in a silent admission. ‘I won’t use you like that.’
‘So don’t use me. Open yourself up to more.’
Her words burst through him, but he was already shaking his head, denying that. ‘There’s no more. My responsibilities require my full attention.’
‘Liar.’
His laugh was a sharp burst. ‘I don’t think anyone’s ever called me that before.’
‘Perhaps you’ve never lied before but you’re lying to me now, and to yourself. Why do you think you can’t get me out of your head, Sariq? Hmmm?’ There was a challenge in her voice, an angry, determined tilt to her chin. ‘Why do you think you came to the embassy and propositioned me?’
‘Sexual infatuation is one thing,’ he said firmly, his tone flat, but she shook her head, dismissing it before he’d even finished.
‘If it was sexual infatuation we’d have been sleeping together ever since our marriage. You wanted me, I wanted you. Instead, you’ve deliberately kept me at arm’s length because you’re terrified of what this could become. You keep everyone at a distance. You have no friends, no family. Malik is the closest person to you and he’s a curmudgeonly old man who exists purely to serve you. That’s not about your damned duty to Haleth. It’s about fear. You don’t want to get hurt so you’re pushing everyone away. I won’t let you do that to me.’
He stared at her, disbelief numbing him. ‘You can have no idea what my life is like,’ he said, after a moment. ‘So do not stand there and judge me, Daisy.’
‘I know what your life could be like.’ She changed tack, her voice lower, softer, working its way into his bloodstream so he had to work hard to hold his course. ‘Do you think this is easy for me? I’m terrified! Terrified of telling you how I feel, of opening myself up to you, of opening myself up to yet another disastrous marriage. And yet I’m standing here, saying that I feel—’
‘Don’t.’ He lifted a hand, silencing her. ‘Don’t say what you cannot take back. I don’t want to hear it. I can’t. I can’t offer you the same, and it will be easier for both of us if we pretend—’
‘Coward!’ She stamped her foot, and he shifted backwards a little, shocked by her reaction.
‘I’m in love with you. There! I’ve said it! Now what are you going to do? Are you going to admit you love me too? That we fell in love in New York and it’s inconvenient and crazy and unpredictable but that doesn’t change the fact we’re in love? Or are you going to cling to the notion that your life will be better if you stay closed off, completely your own person? Immune from emotional pain but so lonely with it.’
His heart was like a hammer inside him, relentless and powerful. Another challenge, just as she always hit him with. He stared at her, and shook his head slowly, his mind like putty.
Her words threatened to overrun him with joy, but the rational, sensible approach to life he’d fixed on many years earlier was not easy to shake.
‘I have never suggested I would love you.’
‘Damn it, that’s not an answer.’ She pushed his chest again, her frustration understandable. ‘Tell me you don’t love me. Say you’ll never love me.’
Say it! Tell her what she needed to hear, if that was how he could put an end to this conversation.
Except he couldn’t say those words. Contrary to what she had accused him of, Sariq was not a liar. In fact he was unstintingly honest. ‘No.’
Her eyes flared wide.
‘I will not talk about you and me in the context of love. That’s not what our marriage is predicated on.’
‘Yes, it is! You’re a fool if you can’t see that we fell in love in New York. It’s not a one-sided thing. I know, because I’ve been in a relationship like that and this feels completely different. I believe you love me. And I think you’re trying to send me away because love is a complication you’re not prepared to deal with.’
