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“How could I not know how miserable you were? I am apparently useless at understanding women and their emotions.”
Jane stared at him in frustration. “Don’t play dumb. You’re one of the smartest people I know. It’s not fair to just throw your hands up in the air as if I was behaving like some childish prima donna and you couldn’t comprehend my tantrums.”
He shook his head, and put his arms around her waist. “On the contrary, Jane. If anything, I am impressed by the remarkable grip you seem to have on your emotions. Not once did you convey your misery to me, until the very end.”
“You were the one who stormed into our bedroom and told me you should never have married me.”
Carlo’s expression changed. A flash of shame was obvious on his face. “I’ve explained that. I spoke without thinking and I have regretted those words every day of every year that you’ve been gone. You might have been close to leaving me anyway, but I know I gave you all the push you needed.”
She nodded. “We just don’t work.” Her voice was heavy with desperation. “I can’t go through this again. I think it’s better if we just focus on the baby.”
“Not possible.” When she went to push away, he kept his arms wrapped around her waist. “I will kiss you if I need to prove to you that you want me,” he warned.
She shook her head. “There’s too much… too many secrets and lies.”
“All to protect you and to protect our marriage.”
Her eyes glowed with challenge. “A strong marriage shouldn’t need lies.”
“Have you considered, for a moment, how terrified I have been of losing you? That it is literally the worst thing I have ever lived through? And I have done it twice? Do you understand, Jane, that with all my being, I want you in my life? And if you weren’t in my life, I needed to know that you were safe in yours?”
Jane closed her eyes. Grudgingly, she said, “I can understand why you employed Liz.”
His eyes showed the hint of victory, as he could feel her resistance flagging. “Can you understand that I exist in a state of torture when you are not with me?”
She glared at him, her temper rising. “I don’t believe you. If you truly felt that way, you would have been a better husband. And you wouldn’t have left me for three years.”
“You asked me to leave you alone,” he reminded her with fierce determination. “I would have done anything to get you back, except make you unhappy.” He closed his eyes briefly. “You said you would be happy if I left you alone.”
“So you were just going to what? Forget all about me?”
His lips twisted in a hollow imitation of a plan. “I was hoping you would realise how much you missed me. That you’d come back to me of your own accord.”
Jane blanched. “You didn’t love me. I was humiliated.”
“You’re wrong. I loved you so much Jane. I still love you. I have never stopped. You are my reason for living.” He moved a hand to her stomach. “You, and now this little person.”
She groaned. “I don’t want to believe you, Carlo. I don’t want to believe you, and then have all my dreams come back to mock me when you start ignoring me for your work, or other women.”
He made a strangled sound of annoyance and wrapped his arms tightly around her back, crushing her body to his. “I’m sorry, Jane. I thought only of protecting your body from harm, and never realised that I was hurting your spirit. I will do whatever it takes to make our marriage work second time around. Surely there’s a husband school you can send me to,” he added finally, a hint of humour in his voice.
She laughed, and a sob thickened in her mouth too. “You are unteachable, I’m afraid.”
“No, I’m not. For you, I would do anything. What is that expression you English have about babies and bath water?”
She frowned. “As in, not to throw the baby out with the bath water?”
“Right. Surely you have enough love left for me to make our marriage work. You must see that there is so much more good in what we share than there is not.”
Tears were thick on Jane’s eyes. She blinked furiously and stared up at the ceiling. “I don’t know,” she whispered finally, haunted.
Carlo had heard the expression about hearts breaking. And now he understood it. He felt like his was being cleaved in two. “Do you love me?”
Jane shook her head, but of course she did. “Yes.”
“Then trust me. Trust me to be what you need. Trust me enough to tell me when I’m not meeting your needs. Trust that I want only your happiness, cara.”
She closed her eyes, and out of nowhere, saw that diving board again. Accepting that she wanted a future with him would require that same leap of faith, but she just didn’t know if she was brave enough to take it.
