AllFreeNovel
Share Us
‘What did she say?’
‘I don’t want to do this.’
‘I know.’
‘I mean it, Holly. I’m done. This is shit.’
He stalks towards my desk, bracing his hands on its edge. I know I’m close. So close to whatever has brought him here, whatever brought us together.
‘Are you afraid?’
‘No!’ He whips around angrily and his face is pure emotion. Handsome but scarred by the wounds he carries. ‘I’m not fucking afraid. I’m bored. Sick of this. Over it.’ His nostrils flare as he draws in a deep breath, so deep his chest puffs with it. ‘Two months ago she wrote to me to say she had cancer. That she needed me to know how much she loved me and how goddamned proud she was of what I’d achieved.’ His chest falls as he exhales. ‘Two weeks after that, she died.’ He pauses, his eyes spearing mine like blades. ‘There you go: the answer you’ve been looking for this whole fucking time. She died, I went to the funeral and since then I haven’t been able to sleep. Ta-da! It’s no deeply held secret—it’s life, and it’s my life, and I want you to butt the hell out of it.’
I’ve had patients shout at me before, but only one man I loved has ever done so. I have endured so much worse from Aaron, but it never hurt like this. I brace my back against the wall because I’m not sure I can stand any more.
‘You think you know what makes me tick?’ he says, moving closer towards me, his body a contortion of rage. I am not afraid, not like I would be if this was Aaron. I am afraid for him, for the emotions that are coursing through him. For the pain he feels and how it controls him.
‘I’m trying to,’ I say softly. ‘I want to.’ A muscle near my heart throbs and I know then what I need to admit to him and myself. ‘I want to love you, Noah. I want you to let me love you. I know that’s not going to be easy for you, but I’m falling in love with you and I need you to be brave enough to own that. I want to help you deal with this so we can be together. Properly.’
He stares at me like I’ve started speaking a foreign language. ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ he whispers, haunted and cross.
‘Fight your instinct to push me away. Isn’t that what bothers you? That you pushed away Julianne? That you pushed away her love when you wanted it so badly?’
‘You don’t know shit about me, Doc.’ He stalks towards me, close but not touching me. ‘You think this is love? This is sex. I like fucking you. I decided I’d fuck you the first moment I saw you to prove that I could. That’s who I am and that’s what this is. You think I have issues with love? Maybe you’re right. But they’re nothing compared to your issues. You have a sick need—you want to love someone who’s going to hurt you. You were hurt by your parents—you could never win their approval. You weren’t what they wanted. So you look for that hurt now—you found it in Aaron and you’re looking for it again in me. You know this is a disaster waiting to happen—we both do—but at least I’m smart enough to walk away before it explodes. Fucking bloody love!’
I am shivering and hurting and shocked in equal measure. ‘Noah...’ I lift a hand to his chest. His heart is beating slowly, like he’s not even bothered by what he’s just said. But I take a punt. ‘You’re angry. Maybe I’ve pushed you too hard. Let’s...just...let this go for now.’
‘You don’t get it,’ he says condescendingly. ‘That’s what I’m doing. I’m letting it go. I’m letting you go.’
‘Wait a second.’ I shake my head, trying to see things clearly with a heart that’s breaking. ‘You’re doing what you always do. You’re pushing me away before I can push you away. I’m not going to hurt you, Noah.’
‘Oh, for God’s sake, Holly. I don’t think you’re going to hurt me. You don’t hold that power over me. I don’t love you.’
I pull in a breath, shocked. Hurting. Aching.
‘I’m not single because I’m damaged or running from love. I’m single because I want to be. I like being on my own. I like fucking a variety of women. You must know that about me. Surely you’ve heard the rumours? Well, Doc, they’re all true.’
My heart shreds. I stay standing, somehow.
He straightens and turns away from me.
He’s pushing me away, that’s all. But he’s doing a damned good job of it.
No one’s ever loved Noah enough to fight for him through his bullshit. But I’m going to. ‘You’re angry,’ I say calmly, even when my insides are on fire. ‘You’re trying to hurt me because I’ve hurt you. I understand.’
He laughs. ‘Your optimism is a marvel.’ He grabs his leather jacket from the back of the chair. ‘How can I put this more simply? I’m walking out that door and I don’t want you to follow me. I don’t want you to call me. I don’t want to see you again. You and your so-called love can go fuck themselves.’
He doesn’t even slam the door when he leaves. I stay, staring at the door, exactly where I was, pressed against the wall, my body trembling, my heart cracking, my mind spinning. What the fuck?
That did not go as I planned. I walk towards my desk... My underpants are still where they were dropped. I bend down to pick them up and a single tear falls onto my wrist.
I am almost certain that I’m right. That he’s just pushing me away however he can, terrified by what he’s revealed and what I’ve offered him. Terrified of losing him.
I reach for my
phone. My fingers are trembling, but I type a quick message to Diane, asking her to keep Ivy for the night.
Something’s come up with a client, sorry.
