AllFreeNovel
Share Us
‘I don’t want to change you...’
‘You just want to “heal” me,’ I say.
‘Is that so wrong?’ she whispers.
‘Yes. I don’t need to be healed. Now kindly fuck off.’
She draws in a harsh breath, but determination is stoked anew in her gaze. ‘No.’
‘Well, I hate to break it to you, Holly, but I’ve got plans and, unless you’re into threesomes, you’re not invited.’
More tears. ‘You’re such a bastard,’ she says.
‘Yes. But that’s your thing, right?’
‘Apparently.’ Her face is pinched. ‘Fine. Go and...and fuck her. See if I care.’
‘You don’t care, Holly, not really. That’s the whole damned point.’
I stare at her for a long second and then turn away, my blood gushing through my body and my chest feeling like it’s been split in half.
When I go inside, I lean against the door, my back pressed to it for several moments while I come to terms with what’s just happened.
That afternoon I had Holly in her office and she was so sassy and confident, bribing me with sex for therapy, and I loved seeing that she knows how many cards she holds with me. For using them to her advantage. I loved her confidence.
And then it all unravelled.
The night I thought we’d share had become this.
I feel like I’m halfway down a river, there’s a waterfall at the end and the current is going too fast to turn back. I am at the whim of the tide and it’s definitely turned against me.
* * *
I can’t breathe. I stare at the front door, and it’s as though my body has been tortured, or silenced, as though I am withering from the inside.
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to breathe, trying to think.
Noah is going to have sex with that woman. And I’m what? Going to let him? I can’t. I have to do something.
But what?
Barge in there? Pull him off her? What good is fidelity if it’s achieved through such measures? I grip the railing and move down the steps slowly, my body feeling bruised all over.
I knew he was broken when I first met him; I saw the pain in his eyes and still I went and fell in love with him. Maybe Noah’s right. Maybe that’s my thing. Maybe I like men who are closed off. Maybe I’m addicted to healing and fixing.
I reach the bottom of the steps and turn to face the door. No. It’s more than that. Aaron wasn’t broken when we fell in love. At least, not in any of the ways I could have recognised. His wounds were buried deep inside him.
And I love Noah despite his hurts, not because of them. I love him anyway. I love all of him, body and soul, mind and magic, and that means accepting him as he is.
But this? How can I possibly accept this?
I swear under my breath, wrapping my arms around myself. There is a bar somewhere nearby and it’s playing Christmas music. I move in that direction without thinking, my feet going one in front of the other. The crooning sound of Diana Krall is instantly familiar to me. ‘What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?’ makes my stomach drop.
Because I know that whatever I’m doing, it won’t be with Noah.
My life suddenly drags before my eyes—everything I’ve been, everything I’ve done and now this. The absence of him.
I’ve acknowledged that I love him, but it’s only now, right here, that I understand what that really means. It’s a complete infiltration of my life. He has found a space in my being, in my home life, despite the fact he’s never been there, in my family life, even though he’s never met Ivy. I have imagined him there, I have foreseen a time when he would be with me all the time, by my side.
