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He nods, as if he understands. But how can he? How can he realise how impossible I’m finding it to function? How can he know that his being here is undoing four weeks of hard, hard work?
‘I’m sorry it’s been a month.’
A month? It feels like so much longer.
‘I’m sorry about what I said in your office. I’m sorry about the night at my place. I’m just so sorry.’
I squeeze my eyes shut, shaking my head, locking him out. But I can’t do that, not completely. ‘How are you?’ He touches me. Just a light touch against my cheek, but I pull away.
‘Don’t.’ It’s a gasp. A gasp of fear, because I am so close to wrapping my arms around his waist.
He nods, a muscle jerking in his jaw. ‘I didn’t mean to.’ He jams his hands into his pockets, as if to physically keep himself away from me. ‘Will you give me five minutes?’
Five minutes? I’ve given him my whole life, whether he knows it or not. ‘Fine.’ But my grip tightens on the door. ‘But out here.’
I can’t say why, but it’s important to me to keep him out of my house, as if symbolically that will stop further incursions into my heart.
‘Okay.’ He nods, and I’m relieved. Relieved he doesn’t push this. ‘You were right about me.’
My heart tingles. ‘In what way?’
‘About Julianne. About you. About why I wasn’t sleeping.’ He hesitates, his eyes locked to mine. ‘I’ve been seeing Dr Chesser. He’s helping me.’
I sob, a sob that comes out of nowhere. ‘I’m so glad.’
Something sparks between us and he moves closer, just a fraction of an inch. ‘It’s hard work, like you said. I still fucking hate therapy, Holly.’
‘I told you, there’s no magic cure...’
‘Damn right,’ he grunts, but his lips are soft, as though he wants to smile, or cry, I don’t know.
‘I haven’t had a drink in a month,’ he continues.
I close my eyes because I don’t know what to say, and looking at him is hurting me.
‘I didn’t want to need you, I didn’t want to need anyone. But, fuck it, I can’t live like that. Not any more. Not now I’ve met you. I want you in my life, Holly.’
My heart is being blown up like a balloon. It hurts so much.
‘And I know I’m messed up and that I’ve messed this up. I know I need to work out my own shit, but I’m asking... I’m here today, asking if you’ll wait for me. If you’ll wait for me while I become the man you deserve. I don’t want to lose you, and I know you should go, that you have to think of yourself, and Ivy, but God, Holly, I don’t want to lose you and I know I can be what you need.’
It takes all my willpower not to show how much his words mean to me. Because he’s right. He’s messed this up. ‘You’re not the only one with baggage, Noah. I have every reason to stay away from you. I don’t want to be with another man who makes me miserable.’
‘Your happiness is my life’s mission,’ he says with such h
onesty that my heart lurches.
Trust is a force at my back, but I’m stronger than I used to be and I ignore the emotion. ‘I’m glad you’re getting help. I really am. I want you to be happy and well. But I don’t for one second think I can trust you again.’
‘Then let me show you.’
I open my eyes, looking at him, trying to understand, and I’m shaking my head.
‘I’m not talking about what we were,’ he says softly. ‘I know we’ll never be that again. I can’t undo how I was. I wish, I wish beyond any words I can offer, that I had listened to you. That I’d got help at the beginning. But I’m doing it now, and I’m doing it because it’s important, and I want to not feel like this. And because I want a future with you, and I know I’m going to have to work my arse off to deserve you.’
I bite down on my lip and taste tears; I hadn’t realised I’d let them fall.
‘I just... I’ll never forget the sight of you with her.’ I shiver and push away from the door so I can support my back on the wall just inside. ‘I’ll never forget the things you said. And I know it’s because you’re messed up and you needed to push me away, but... Don’t you get it, Noah? You were my pleasure. You were everything I’d been waiting for and I loved you so hard and I gave you my whole heart, all of it.’
