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His eyes narrow and then he nods, a nod of acceptance. Fear trembles in my gut. Now that he’s here, I don’t want him to leave. The contradictory feelings tangle inside me.
‘I had to,’ he says slowly. He places the flowers in the middle of the bench. ‘I had to tell you in person that I messed up. Just like you said. I should never have left London. I should never have left you.’
I draw in a sharp, thick breath and shake my head. ‘Don’t. Don’t say this now. It’s too late.’
‘Is it?’ He moves closer to me but I still him by lifting my hand, holding it between us as a shield.
‘Yes! I’ve been through hell, Connor! You don’t get to fly back and tell me you’re sorry and then what? Go back to Dublin? To your criminals and your career and the justifications you exist on?’
He dips his head in silent acknowledgement of my charges. ‘Yes. I have to go back to Dublin.’
The sound that escapes me is pure outrage. It’s a wounded, defiant hiss. ‘Get out of here.’
‘Wait—’
‘No!’ Our passion has always been primal and now my rage is also. ‘No! No! No! I will not wait! We’ve said everything there is to say! You’ve made your choice and I’ve made mine...’
‘I’m not staying in Dublin.’ He speaks quietly. Softly. But the words have the power of a bursting dam.
‘What? Why not?’ I’m still yelling and I don’t care.
‘Because it’s too far away from the woman I love.’
Silence. Silence stretches like an elastic band and then I grunt angrily. ‘What is this? More redemption?’
‘Honesty,’ he says. ‘With you and myself.’ He moves towards me and I’m too shell-shocked to step away. ‘I thought leaving you was the only way to show you that I was worthy of you. I hate the idea of not being able to live up to what you deserve. I want to give you the world, the stars, the moon, the universe, and I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I’m enough for you.’
I sweep my eyes shut, needing a second to regain my breath without his distractingly handsome face right in front of me.
‘But I do know that I want to spend every day for the rest of my life trying to deserve you. I know that I got into this thinking you would somehow fix me, and you have. Not in the way I thought, Olivia. I don’t believe there is any kind of absolution that I want. But you’ve made me see how many possibilities there are for me. I don’t have to follow the same path I always have.’
I open my eyes and he’s right in front of me, staring into my soul.
‘You showed me what can happen when you’re brave enough to stick to your guns, even when the odds are stacked against you. Look at what you’ve done. You’ve made your dreams come true! You’ve worked hard and you’ve aimed high and now you’re getting everything you’ve ever wanted. I’m so proud of you and I’m so inspired by you.’
It’s too much. His words are like firecrackers under my grief. They shoot it upwards, pushing it out of me, leaving an eerie sense of weightlessness. I’m no longer in free fall. Now, I’m floating.
‘When I got the letter and you weren’t here, I hated you. I just wanted to share it with you so badly. I felt sick for missing you.’
‘I felt the same when I heard. I’ve never been happier nor prouder.’
I smile. It’s involuntary but it lights me up completely. And then I remember—all the reasons he left—and I am being pulled back down to earth.
As if reading my shift in emotion, he nods. ‘Six months,’ he says, lifting a hand to my cheek. His touch is like striking a match to tinder. My body sparks. ‘I’ll wrap up my caseload and begin to set up my London office. You’ll start at the CPS and settle in, so that by the time I’m in London there’ll be nothing untoward about us seeing one another.’
There’s too much there to digest. ‘Six months?’
‘Six months,’ he says with a nod.
‘Your London office?’
He nods.
But I frown. ‘Connor, that’s going to mean we’re working against each other. I don’t see how that’s viable.’
His smile is pure confidence. ‘I’m shifting my focus.’
‘Oh?’ My heart races.
