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I shiver. It was one of the most horrifying nights I can recall.
‘I climbed into my tree house and waited it out there. But a flash of lightning came down so close and so loud it smoked on the ground at my feet.’
He nods thoughtfully, but I can tell he’s unravelling the story.
‘When did you get back into your home?’
‘Not until morning. I fell asleep eventually, and it wasn’t until Nanny discovered me missing and the alarm was raised that I heard the staff looking for me. I woke up and all was well. Except that I can’t stand storms now. Even the smell of rain in the air makes me afraid.’
He strokes his chin thoughtfully.
‘So I’m not entirely fearless,’ I finish lamely.
‘Lots of people are afraid of thunderstorms.’
‘Are you?’
‘No.’ His smile is perfunctory. ‘There isn’t much I’m afraid of.’
‘But...?’ I ask, sipping my wine, curious to the point of distraction.
‘Yes, I have fears,’ he admits grudgingly.
‘Like...?’
He makes a deep, guttural noise. ‘This was a crappy idea.’
I laugh softly. ‘Ghosts? Spiders?’
‘No.’ He’s quiet for so long I wonder if he’s not going to answer, and then he continues, his voice hoarse. ‘I’m afraid of powerlessness. Of watching someone I love die.’
His grief hits me like a web
and I am caught in it.
‘You’ve watched someone you love die and you’ve survived.’
‘Barely.’ He shakes his head. ‘Try the chicken. It’s great.’
I don’t move. The ghosts of his admission linger between us, haunting our table.
‘Were you with her when she died?’
He recoils as though he’s been slapped and I briefly regret the agreement we’ve made. But I want to know this stuff. It’s so important to me to understand. I feel like I’ve got only half of the picture and bit by bit I want to piece him together.
‘Yes.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I wanted to be with her.’
‘Of course.’ I nod. ‘How long were you married?’
‘A year.’ He clears his throat. ‘Can we talk about something else?’
Sympathy is thick inside of me but instinctively I know talking about this will help him so I don’t back down. ‘You told me I could ask what I want.’
‘And this is what you want to know?’
